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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask H2B to include my DS

201 replies

Fedupb2b14 · 15/04/2019 02:16

H2B is having his DS as groomsman & hasn't considered asking my DS. Doesn't want my DS dressed the same as he's not part of the bridal party. Both children are similar age. Feels like my DS is being excluded AIBU?

OP posts:
LimaLemur · 15/04/2019 23:22

Hi OP - sorry if this has been suggested already as I haven’t yet read the whole thread Blush I’m just wondering if your DS could be a pageboy, to be a part of the bridal party? Hope it all works out well Flowers

5thSparrow · 15/04/2019 23:28

Your h2b should have him as a groomsman like his son, for your sons benefit not his! It will be wonderful memories for both the boys. This should be a wonderful day to celebrate and neither you or your son will enjoy the day if he is not equally included. You will not enjoy the photos either if it's blatantly obvious he was not equally included. Good luck, stand your ground for the sake of your son.

Jamiefraserskilt · 16/04/2019 01:20

Wow. Flip it. If you had your daughter as a bridesmaid and excluded his daughter from the bridal party, how would he feel? Get him involved on your side of things. You could ask him to give you away, jointly if needs be but he wears the same as the lads, not to do so means it is us and them.

robinsarebins · 16/04/2019 02:19

I really don't like the idea of a young son 'giving away' his own mother. Especially to a petty silly little man like the groom is in this case.
Just feels odd to me. My son is only small, I never want him to 'give me away' he couldn't, I'll always be his mum first and foremost and I'll always be his mum no matter which man comes or goes.
This one would be going.
No way would I marry a man that wanted to exclude or downgrade my son on my wedding day. No matter what his age.

MarthasGinYard · 16/04/2019 02:23

Sounds to me

As long as all the photo's are posed properly

You'll be grand Hmm

GirlRaisedInTheSouth · 16/04/2019 02:23

I would not marry a man who treated my DS like this. Sorry.

Blondebakingmumma · 16/04/2019 04:16

I think PP are suggesting DS to ‘give away’ more so to walk her down the aisle to have a significant job as opposed to the role and responsibility of giving away

Blondebakingmumma · 16/04/2019 04:17

I totally agree with pp that I couldn’t marry a man who treated our kids so differently

Blondebakingmumma · 16/04/2019 04:19

OP- you should ask your H2B what he would do if you were getting married and you both had daughters. Would he expect his own daughter to do? Watch your daughter be a bridesmaid and you insist that she not be allowed to wear a gown that looked like she was in the bridal party?

Zoflorabore · 16/04/2019 04:22

A bit different op but my ds was 13 when his dad got married and was an usher and dressed in the same suit and tie as the rest of the men.
His wife didn't have her own children at the time but had nieces who were involved either by being bridesmaids or flower girls, depending on their age.
No child was left out.

Ds also read a poem at the service.

My dp has always treated my ds as his own and has never made him feel inferior and that's with his dad on the scene too. He knows his boundaries etc but wouldn't have lasted 5 minutes with me if he had ever treated my ds so unfairly.

This is your wedding too. Your ds isn't just a random family member, he's a key part of the family and should be very much involved.

Moorfields · 16/04/2019 07:16

I wouldn't marry this man as the emotional abuse towards your son will get worse after marriage. If someone shows you what they are op, you'll do well to listen.

Notreallyhappy · 16/04/2019 07:25

You include him however you want & end off. You 2 will always be a team whoever your with.. stand up for him now..our s2bh is being unkind & a dick.

TheSerenDipitY · 16/04/2019 07:28

hes in or you should be out... he doesnt want him dress in anyway to look like the rest of the family will be, not in many of the photos.... got a cupboard under the stairs he could be shoved into? poor little bugger really is being set up to be the "red headed step child" isnt he
this issue should be the line, it should be the hill you are prepared to die on, he is either an equal member of the family or he isnt... find out the answer to that before you walk up that aisle and make that child's life a living hell

Fucket · 16/04/2019 07:33

I bet this has more to do with your H2B and the relationship with his own son. 13 is such a tricky age, you’re going to have to figure out a way to involve your son in the bridal party and not the grooms side.

13 year olds don’t respond well to logic, you are trying to blend 2 young men with volatile hormones.

Personally I wouldn’t remarry until the kids were adults. It sounds like there are some deep issues. Do your sons get on? Are there some jealousy issues?

Your h2b isn’t going to love your son the same as his own, just like you are not going to love his the same You both love the kids of course, but unless you’ve been in both children’s lives since they were babies you cannot say you love them equally. It wouldn’t be right to either. Your stepson is going to want reassurance he is still top spot in his dads eyes. Having his stepbrother in the same role is going to do some serious damage to that child’s self esteem and relationship with his dad. You have to view things from his perspective also, especially if your son spends more time with his dad. Your son has to accept this, and you have to find the role for him in the bridal party.

Put your foot down on who you get in the bridal party and what roles, if your h2b is still being an arse about that then yes I wouldn’t be getting married to him.

youwouldthink · 16/04/2019 07:36

YANU
I honestly wouldn't go ahead with this wedding if your H2B can't see how much this would affect your son

gamerwidow · 16/04/2019 07:40

Do you really want to start your family life together by excluding your DS in such a visual way. If he can’t be part of the wedding party and dressed as such then really who can? This is a terrible idea.

gamerwidow · 16/04/2019 07:43

Ps I understand why he shouldn’t be a groomsman but to exclude him altogether is awful.

Idonotlikeyoudonaldtrump · 16/04/2019 08:18

Don’t marry this man,OP. Put your child first.

But if you do go ahead I like the idea of having your son walk you down the aisle.

Justanothernameonthepage · 16/04/2019 08:18

I would not marry anyone willing to be so cruel to my child. You are blending families and already leaving one out. Much better to not marry and look at other ways to protect one another.
If he is not willing to compromise or put the children first over something so small to him, but important to the family, how the hell will he act once it's something really stressful?

Pardonwhat · 16/04/2019 08:29

Please don’t marry this man. Your poor poor son Sad

OKBobble · 16/04/2019 08:40

Have your son give you away instead.

WellThisIsShit · 16/04/2019 08:43

Hoping this thread has given you the courage to have a serious chat with your partner. It may be that he’s trying to balance the ‘unfairness’ for his own son not living with him by making the wedding unfair weighted the other way. However clearly this will create more problems than it will solve.

Shelby2010 · 16/04/2019 08:49

One more question:

If DS isn’t part of the bridal party, where is DH expecting him to sit at the reception? Presumably his son as best man will be with you at the top table........

Chocolateisfab · 16/04/2019 08:54

"Off you pop cunty chops" is the perfect mn phrase to ltb.

BeUpStanding · 16/04/2019 09:09

Don't marry this man. It is appalling that he is excluding your son like this.