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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask H2B to include my DS

201 replies

Fedupb2b14 · 15/04/2019 02:16

H2B is having his DS as groomsman & hasn't considered asking my DS. Doesn't want my DS dressed the same as he's not part of the bridal party. Both children are similar age. Feels like my DS is being excluded AIBU?

OP posts:
MissPhonic · 16/04/2019 18:45

This man seems to lack the emotional intelligence to understand that this wedding is about blending 2 families together rather than balancing photographs FFS. He is waving big red flags OP.

Chamomileteaplease · 16/04/2019 18:53

Am I missing something? Surely your son would be part of your party ie not a bridesmaid but something. As someone else said, perhaps with the same colours as the bridesmaids. So that he is seen as part of your team and is very much included.

Lunde · 16/04/2019 19:08

SandyY2K - These are the same role as pp have said. What does he think a groomsman will do that an Usher won't do?

Groomsmen are an American import which seem to be catching on in the UK - but they are not the same as an usher at all

Usher - stands at the back of the church handing out orders of service etc. Not in Bridal party & not in main photos.

Groomsman - like a male bridesmaid really - escorts bridesmaids down the aisle and stand with bridal party. Part of the bridal party and in the main photos.

I would not be happy with my child being demoted to a minor role and not being allowed to dress the same as the other DSS.

dyslexicbrian · 16/04/2019 19:30

Do the right thing OP. You know what that is otherwise you wouldn’t have posted on here. This will be a defining moment in your sons childhood. Something similar happened to me when I was 15 - I have never forgotten and I have never truly forgiven. It continues to affect my relationship with those involved over 20 years later.

Smotheroffive · 18/04/2019 01:37

All my ushers were very much involved in photos Confused...they were all the key male members of mine and il family, including young ushers all in morning suits complementing the wedding colours.

I have no idea what groomsmen are,but they sound like grown men equivalents of brides maid/matron.

Both boys should be ushers with the men.

Otherwise he needs to find someone else to smooze. Can't understand how he could be so insensitive to your own child.

WatchingFromTheWings · 18/04/2019 01:46

He's saying that your son isn't as important as his. I'd listen if I were you.

Whoops75 · 18/04/2019 02:01

op do you know what the problem is?

Do the boys get along?
Is his son feeling sad he lives with your ds?

He is making a bad call and without knowing his motives it’s hard to understand.

VetinarisTerrier · 18/04/2019 02:58

I find it interesting that posters seem to think that the DP is now trying to make up to his son for having been tight with the OP's son. I would wonder if it were more a case of the 'sucking up to the woman through her son' and of course now that the actual wedding is in the offing, the sucking up is no longer necessary. Just a thought, as he does sound somewhat controlling and manipulative, so I would keep eyes open.

Good luck OP and trust your gut Flowers

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 18/04/2019 03:05

If H2B is going to continue with this I certainly would call the wedding off-my 13yr old DS would be so upset to be left out like this and would never get over it.

barryfromclareisfit · 18/04/2019 03:06

Don’t marry this man

SandyY2K · 18/04/2019 03:42

@Lunde

SandyY2K - These are the same role as pp have said. What does he think a groomsman will do that an Usher won't do?

Groomsmen are an American import which seem to be catching on in the UK - but they are not the same as an usher at all

Usher - stands at the back of the church handing out orders of service etc. Not in Bridal party & not in main photos.

Well at my wedding, we had Groomsmen. They handed out the orders of service in the church before the service started, then they came outside the church to walk in with the bridesmaids (so yes.. I had an
equal number) and they were all in the main photos too.

You can do what you want in a wedding to suit you.

Mummaofmytribe · 18/04/2019 03:57

If each partner has a child of the same age, they should have equal and identical roles in the wedding. It's not like your son is a toddler. I would be very hurt and wary in your place. When I married the second time the children were all included as was age appropriate. I wouldn't have contemplated anything else.
It's a big thing for a kid when their parent remarries. They need to know they're considered important and included.

grumiosmum · 18/04/2019 08:32

OP hasn't come back to the thread. I guess she doesn't want to hear what we're telling her.

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 18/04/2019 09:38

I'm assuming you both only have one son each so this is what I'd do. Each son accompanies their parent as chief supporters (no father givjng away as that's ridiculous at this stage) and each parent has three friends/siblings to walk behind in mixed pairs as the bridesmaid/best men element. Obviously the dp has his own ideas on what it should look like and I think it's up to you to give your son an important role albeit on your side though.

AryaStarkWolf · 18/04/2019 09:57

OP hasn't come back to the thread. I guess she doesn't want to hear what we're telling her.

Yeah I was hoping for an update on this one

Fiveredbricks · 18/04/2019 10:00

OP why in gods name are you marrying someone who thinks it's OK to sideline your kid like that? Are your eyes even open to this?

Holidayshopping · 18/04/2019 10:03

Both kids are the same age and he’s involving his and not yours?? And he tells you what bridesmaids to have.

There are so many red flags here it’s untrue.

You do know the story of Cinderella, don’t you...?

Nanny0gg · 18/04/2019 10:03

@murmuration

So what is the point of groomsmen?
Ushers do actually have a role.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/04/2019 10:07

This is very wrong, your son is a part of the family, way to go for building up a bond. He is excluding his step son, especially when his similar age brother is included.

Abra1de · 18/04/2019 10:08

What’s a groomsman? Is it an usher?

You can have any number of ushers.

Shoxfordian · 18/04/2019 10:12

Don't marry someone who isn't going to include your son or treat him like his

AryaStarkWolf · 18/04/2019 10:22

What’s a groomsman? Is it an usher?

You can have any number of ushers

I don't know where the Op is from but in Ireland, people mostly would have a best man and groomsmen, I suppose they're the male equivalent to bridesmaids. From what I've read on this thread, groomsmen would do what Ushers would do in the UK but they're also art of the wedding party and would wear the same suit as the best man/be in photos

Aeroflotgirl · 18/04/2019 10:23

I think if he could, he would exclude your son from the wedding, not letting him wear the same clothes as the groom's party is making a massive statement. On the surface he is good to your D's, but wit until you are married. Watch what he is telling you!

Crazyladee · 18/04/2019 11:00

Those suggesting that OP asks her son to walk her down the aisle so that her son can be given a role and including him in the wedding party are missing the underlying issue that her son has been completely overlooked and sidelined by his stepfather to be.

I would be having major second thoughts here OP and feel very sorry for your son.

Popsicle434544 · 18/04/2019 11:36

Im getting maried in june, h2b asked my dss to be his mini best man and also asked my ds aswell, both equal, dressed same.
My dsd is my bridesmaid also.
Its about our family coming together and the children need to feel part of it and equal.
If my parter was like yours i dont think i would marry him.

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