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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask H2B to include my DS

201 replies

Fedupb2b14 · 15/04/2019 02:16

H2B is having his DS as groomsman & hasn't considered asking my DS. Doesn't want my DS dressed the same as he's not part of the bridal party. Both children are similar age. Feels like my DS is being excluded AIBU?

OP posts:
cricketmum84 · 15/04/2019 09:53

Sorry but I wouldn't be marrying him. Refusing to allow your son to be involved even to the point of not having him dress the same because he's "not part of the party" is a huge red flag. What's he going to be excluded from next?

Honeyroar · 15/04/2019 09:56

Your h2b sounds like a groomzilla. He sounds way too into tradition and looks for your wedding. It's a bit too late to worry about rigid tradition when you've both got children from other relationships. Is it just the wedding, or is it in everyday life? You need to sit down and find out why he feels like that. If it's just because of tradition he'd be getting a row from me. But you need to really understand why.

When I married my husband, his 10 yr old son was a central part of the wedding. He was joint best man, he signed the register as well as the two adult witnesses, so is named on our wedding certificate, he played here comes the bride on his keyboard as I walked down the aisle, and he rode in the open top car with us from the ceremony to the reception. I couldn't have had it any other way.

EarlyWarning · 15/04/2019 09:56

When I married my DH, we made sure that all of our DCs (we each had our own) were center stage and treated completely equally. What kind of man cares about a 13 year old being dressed the same as his 13 year old??? and even notices how many bridesmaids there are, tbh. Sounds like a Groomzilla to me and I'd be running a mile.

DowntonCrabby · 15/04/2019 10:08

He sounds like a controlling prick.

Does he call the shots everywhere else within your lives? I’d think long and hard about this marriage.

Omzlas · 15/04/2019 10:15

Is anyone 'giving you away' OP? Could your DS do that instead? As PP said, what about having your own best man?
Both my dad and brother walked me down the aisle (brother has a different father) as I didn't want to choose between them or make anything uncomfortable. I'd be pissed off too if your DS isn't even included in the bridal party - he's as much of a son as YOUR DS!

Alaria44 · 15/04/2019 10:23

It is making a massive statement by giving his son this role and excluding your son.

Going forward, you are joining families, therefore no child should be treated "better" than the other.

It would be a no brainer to most people here, both sons should have equal roles and that's that...

Your DP is actively excluding him though and further suggesting he doesn't even wear the same clothes... I'm actually shocked.

All children within blended families matter and SHOULD be treated equally. They are all just children and they never asked for a blended family.

MortyVicar · 15/04/2019 10:24

Is anyone 'giving you away' OP? Could your DS do that instead?

Others have suggested this too. I may be overthinking it, but if the groom is making a big thing about his DS having a more important role in the day than the OP's I'm not convinced that giving his mother away into that set up isn't going to make him feel worse, not better.

How about having your DS walk you down the aisle (without the giving away part) together with your bridesmaids? That would make it nice and even - two pairs walking down the aisle would look very tidy Grin

Actually what I would do (long before I said anything to DS) is tell your DP that that's what you're going to do, and see his reaction. If he won't have that either, then I'd tell him the wedding's off.

Charley34 · 15/04/2019 10:25

What a horrible man. my child comes 1st no matter what and this proves what he is really like, all children should be involved in the wedding .your son will never forget this !

merrymouse · 15/04/2019 10:25

the bit that stands out to me is that your h2b doesn't want your son dressed the same as the groomsmen which includes his own son.

Agree.

Assuming you are in the UK, 'Groomsmen', aren't a traditional part of a UK wedding, so there is no particular protocol for how they should dress. It's a red flag if you can't discuss this.

It's quite possible that DonutCone is right, and this is a way of showing his son that he is still important (particularly if he won't be living with you) - but if you can't talk about this now, when will you be able to talk about it?

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/04/2019 10:29

THis is all about him and his kid isnt it? Him, his kid, their day.

Not us, our kids, our day.

I cannot believe you are even thinking about agreeing to this, much less marrying a man who would so blatantly cut your child out of the very day that is supposed to be all about joining you all together.

Are you really so desperate to get married that you will allow your son to be treated like this?

LordPickle · 15/04/2019 10:32

Honestly he sounds awful OP. This is so unfair on your DS.

Maybe it would help him understand if you explained it as a reverse? As in, what if you both had daughters, he would be livid if only your daughter could be a bridesmaid and not his.

The exclusion is cruel and unnecessary and is the opposite of what this wedding should be about. It's blending 2 families, not highlighting differences.

AryaStarkWolf · 15/04/2019 10:38

Really bad form not to have all the kids involved in your wedding. There is no good reason not to, I can't imagine a 13 year old to not feeling excluded by what you've described there. You need to talk about this and really see what's going on with your DH-to-bes logic here before marrying him

notatwork · 15/04/2019 10:39

You say that your fiance gets on well with your DS and will spend lots of time with him, far more than his own DS.
I think that he's sending a signal to his own DS that he is still very much a part of his life and getting married won't change that.

He isn't thinking about the impact on your DS because he's concentrating on the son he feels guilty about. This is a thoughtless of him but not necessarily a red flag unless he dismisses your concerns when you discuss this.

It's up to you to find a role from the bride's part of the bridal party, and of course your son should be dressed like the other members of the whole bridal party.

PinkiOcelot · 15/04/2019 10:40

I’m late to this thread, but please don’t marry him! He is alienating your son. What else will he alienate him from, family holidays, Christmas?!
He sounds like an awful man. And from the snippets you have given here, quite controlling as well!

Petitprince · 15/04/2019 10:44

He sounds like a Groomzilla. Seriously Groomsmen? He is being way too precious, and forgetting that a wedding is about people and not about the photos. I'd reconsider marrying him at all.

Snowdropheaven · 15/04/2019 10:46

No I don't think both boys should have the same role. Your son being an usher is the perfect solution.

SandyY2K · 15/04/2019 11:00

Matching the numbers of bridesmaids and groomsmen is quite normal.

I had mine walking in paired up, so it needed to be the same of both genders.

I've only read 2 pages...so this may have been covered....but you say your DS is shy...would he want to have a role in the wedding?

I do think a suitable role for him is accompanying you down the aisle. That is a role to be proud of.

The groom usually chooses his side and vice versa.

You've said he treats your son well...and you've both agreed one child doesn't appear in more photos than others, so you would need to judge the whole situation and not just this.

Does he have a good relationship with your DS? Does your DS like him?

BoxOfBabyCheeses · 15/04/2019 11:00

Sorry, I haven't RTFT but have read OP's posts.

So he has offered to have your DS as usher but you've refused this? I think you're cutting your nose off to spite your face. He's trying to include your son, but unless he;s treated exactly the same then you're not happy. Why don't you ask your son if he would like to be usher instead of making the decision for him?

SandyY2K · 15/04/2019 11:10

What's his reason for not wanting the boys to wear the same outfit? I would ask and expect an answer to this question.

Does he think his DS is better than his or something?

CornishMaid1 · 15/04/2019 11:10

I do not like that one bit. They will both be your (as in you and H2B's) sons. They should both be included and they should both be dressed similarly.

If he wants his son on his side as a groomsman, have your son on your side. Presumably the groomsmen and the men involved on your side will be dressed alike?

Could DS walk you down the aisle? If your DM/DF is walking you, why not have one on either side and have DS with you?

SandyY2K · 15/04/2019 11:15

No ushers as of yet H2B suggested that for my DS but I don't feel that's right I think both boys should have the same role

These are the same role as pp have said. What does he think a groomsman will do that an Usher won't do?

AryaStarkWolf · 15/04/2019 11:16

What's his reason for not wanting the boys to wear the same outfit? I would ask and expect an answer to this question.

Does he think his DS is better than his or something?

It sounds like he wants his own son to feel more included than the other son, it's probably coming from a place of guilt and over compensating because maybe he sees the stepson more than his own son but what he's either not thinking about the negative effect it might have on the step son or worse he doesn't care.

It's really shit in situations involving blended families like this because alot of times parents can make issues with the kids when none ever existed in their own heads before

Poppins2016 · 15/04/2019 11:31

I think matching numbers of attendants 'for the photos' is rather silly.

I agree... A close friendship of mine cooled down rather suddenly when she told me I wouldn't be her bridesmaid because she had to have even numbers. That told me what she thought of me (after I thought she was a close friend and she was my bridesmaid)...Clearly our friendship was one sided, I just hadn't realised. (Caveat, there were some other factors, but that was the straw that broke the camels back).

My point is, if you care enough about someone, you'll find a way to include them and honour the relationship.

fargo123 · 15/04/2019 12:47

If you marry this man, you are failing your son.

timeisnotaline · 15/04/2019 23:18

Is there some confusion as to what an usher is? Where I come from an usher is nowhere near equivalent to bridal party. There’s bridal party, then close family or friends doing readings, and ushers are good friends helping hand out booklets etc.