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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask H2B to include my DS

201 replies

Fedupb2b14 · 15/04/2019 02:16

H2B is having his DS as groomsman & hasn't considered asking my DS. Doesn't want my DS dressed the same as he's not part of the bridal party. Both children are similar age. Feels like my DS is being excluded AIBU?

OP posts:
SosigDog · 15/04/2019 07:51

Massive red flag. This is his stepson. Of course he should have the same role as his biological son and be treated equally.

This tells you everything you need to know about how H2B will treat your son in future. He will make a difference between the two boys and give his own son special treatment. He doesn’t see them as equals and your son will always be worse off. If you die first I wouldn’t be surprised if he disinherits your son and leaves everything to his son. Imo this is sufficient reason to call off the whole wedding.

BangingOn · 15/04/2019 07:54

I think it’s up to you to include your DS in the bridal party or by doing a reading. Unless there’s other issues between your DH2B and your DS I don’t see it as him excluding him, just that he is your son and so should be on your side of the wedding. The father of the bride, for example, wouldn’t usually be the best man or a groomsman.

CherryPavlova · 15/04/2019 07:56

I don’t talk in American so am a bit unclear. Is this right - His own son is going to the best man. That seems entirely right and proper. It isn’t right for his soon to be stepson to be excluded from any role at all. Why can’t he be an usher? That would be the norm, surely?

Choosing who will be bridesmaids or ushers based on photography is shallow. Very shallow. Surely you choose those nearest and dearest to you?

Jingzhou · 15/04/2019 07:56

I wouldn’t be able to get past this at all.

Either you are marrying someone and becoming one unit of you aren’t.

Weddings, especially when you have children, aren’t about balancing photographs or having the same tie on as your dad, they are about joining two people together. Either this man wants you and your son or he doesn’t.

It sounds like he wants the wedding day but not the actual marriage.

grumiosmum · 15/04/2019 07:58

Great suggestion from BangingOn - get your DS to do a reading. Then he has an important role to play. He should certainly have some role in the wedding.

brizzlemint · 15/04/2019 07:58

Your son is more important than this man that you are planning to marry, take note of the red flags and do not marry him.

jackstini · 15/04/2019 08:01

RTWT and see your HTB has already suggested your DS be an usher, so he will be in wedding party clothes

What does he think the difference is between ushers and groomsmen? They are exactly the same - one is the English word and one the American!
What roles does expect them to play & what does he think each should wear?

The bridesmaid thing for photos is bonkers - it should be who you really want supporting you; not a picture filler Hmm

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 15/04/2019 08:01

Could your DS walk you up the aisle?
And yes, he should wear the same outfit as all the men involved the wedding.

Catchingbentcoppers · 15/04/2019 08:04

I really don't think you can allow this to happen OP. Your fiance's reaction to this would be a deal-breaker for me.

Veterinari · 15/04/2019 08:05

Your DS needs to be dressed as part of the bridal party. Can he walk down the aisle with you?

evaperonspoodle · 15/04/2019 08:05

I'd see this as a massive red flag, sorry OP

I see it more of a field of red marquees. It doesn't matter what you call the role: groomsman, usher, whatever. The man you are choosing to marry is making an active move to marginalize and exclude your son. For this alone I would be calling the wedding off. You being complicit and trying to think of ways to 'equalize' him will send him the message that you are ok with this.

mummmy2017 · 15/04/2019 08:05

Get your son the same outfit as the DSS.
Ring bearer, bouquet holder.
Is your Dad giving you away?
As your son could walk his Nan in, and sit with her...

evaperonspoodle · 15/04/2019 08:06

Meant to add YABU to think that you even need to ask for your son to be included, it should be a given!

NaturatintGoldenChestnut · 15/04/2019 08:07

Would not marry this man under any circumstance. The good ol' 'he's good with DS'. Whenever someone trots that out, the guy's always a twat.

BertrandRussell · 15/04/2019 08:07

Dump. Sorry-but just do it.

SosigDog · 15/04/2019 08:10

All of the suggestions for how to include the DS are completely ignoring the fact that the H2B doesn’t want to include him. That is the real problem here.

BreastSideStory · 15/04/2019 08:12

I’m getting married to my DP, I have DD9 and DS4, he has my DSD14 and DSD10.

His girls and my DD are my bridesmaids and will be getting ready with me and be an important part of our day.

My DS who is only 4 is one of my DP’s groomsmen and will be wearing the same as DP.

To do it any other way seems cruel.

How can he honestly think leaving your son out is ok?

More importantly why doesn’t he want him in the same suit with the other important males in his life? That seems very telling to me Confused

I couldn’t imagine not wanting my DSDs to be my bridesmaids with my DD.

Ohtherewearethen · 15/04/2019 08:12

Ask you fiance what he would say if you both had a daughter and you insisted that only your daughter was allowed to be bridesmaid and that his daughter wasn't allowed to wear anything similar.

Ohtherewearethen · 15/04/2019 08:12

*your

TokenGinger · 15/04/2019 08:12

OP, could this be more about his son than yours? You've said your DP spends more time with your son than his own. Maybe his own son is feeling unspecial to his father, maybe he's asked his dad to be involved, to feel special to his dad without having to share that with your son, too?

Before I read that comment, I was all for saying he should include him, but then I think there might be more to it.

I think as he's your son, you should have him do something on your side.

Behind you and whoever is giving you away, can't he walk your daughter if you have one, or your chief bridesmaid, down the aisle? That's what we did at my brother's wedding. I as chief bridesmaid was walked down the aisle behind the bride with a man.

JaneEyreAgain · 15/04/2019 08:12

If your newly created family will have two children in it, then both should have equal roles as part of the wedding and in the photos.

PoptartPoptart · 15/04/2019 08:13

When DH and I got married, my DS (12yo) walked me down the aisle with my dad (I was in the middle with one each side of me).
DH had two best men - one grown up friend and his DS (14yo).
Both of the boys also had responsibility for a ring each, so at the point in the ceremony when we exchanged rings they both got to step forward and present a ring to us.
They also did a joint reading, it was a really lovely one I found about our two families becoming one.
Imo, when you have existing children a wedding / marriage is not just about two people. It is about all members of the family joining together.

LannieDuck · 15/04/2019 08:13

That's a good question - if he had a daughter, would he expect her to be a bridesmaid?

ohmydaysagain · 15/04/2019 08:14

Both boys should have the same roll and same outfit. It is totally unfair to your son to exclude him from the wedding in this way.

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 15/04/2019 08:14

Usually I would be one to say Grooms choose their Groomsmen and Brides their Bridesmaids from their own friends and families.
However I could not imagine getting married and not including my step daughter although I have known them since babyhood.
He should WANT you DS to be in his party, not have it forced on him.
He should DEFINITELY wear the same outfits! But maybe not have the title? X