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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hurt because my 75 year old dad married in secret and has signed his entire will over to his new wife.

234 replies

Easyroad · 14/04/2019 16:40

My dad is 75 and i am 46. I’m an only child and parents have been separated since i was 18. Dad has been through 3 serious relationships since then plus various dalliances. His current has been going for 12 years and is 73. She moved in about 10 years ago - sharing his house where I grew up and renting out her own house miles away.

in the early days of their relationship I was very very happy he had found her and she was kind and attentive and lovely to be around - and very kind to my two small children. She has no children of her own but has treated her two adult nephews as sons - giving them much love and financial support.

In past 3 years she has grown remote and it has felt almost as if a switch has flipped and our links with her have stopped. this has made life hard - my kids love her and my dad is reluctant to do things without her so we see him less and less despite him being only a mile away. They do see her adult nephews a lot more - neither have kids.

I was always very close to my dad - he is lovely but also quite child-like and always very consumed by his relationships and I have often felt out in the cold until relationships have ended and then our closeness has tended to return.

1 year ago I told him he needed to find legal help to sort out a will - his existing one left everything to me - but I was conscious of his partner’s security - living in his house and being vulnerable. I was trying to do the right thing for her. They did seek advice from a solicitor. Now I'm regretting it!!!

Today my dad asked to meet with me in a cafe and told me 1) they married in secret - they did this to enable him to pass on my inheritance to me without being stung by tax (?but you'll see in a moment this doesn't seem to make any sense - it does benefit her however I think?). They say didn’t want to marry it was just for tax reasons and that i must keep this a secret from everyone - especially my two kids (who would be delighted). 2) they have decided to leave everything i.e. his estate to her - he will have two wills - the second will say she must pass his estate to me when she passes away.

I am confused and unaware of the legal reality of any of this - but my initial feelings are to be hurt. I feel alone with the knowledge that they married as I can’t tell anyone. I am in a spin about the new status of their relationship. I feel left out and sad that I couldn’t be part of this. And I am facing the truth (one I wasn’t aware of till now) which is that I don’t really trust his new wife to respect his intentions regarding his will. Finally I am afraid of what will happen after he dies - will it fall to me to liaise with her about the will? What if she has to release all the equity in order to fund her own care? Her own house will be left to her nephews - will she sell this before she dips into my Father’s estate? Euch.

Is this a mess or am I being a bit of a baby? I know I need to get over this and take a more thoughtful view but for now I cant I feel so upset. AIBU???

OP posts:

ajandjjmum · 14/04/2019 16:43

Once your father passes, nothing that they agreed between themselves will matter, if it has not been dealt with legally.

Sounds a little odd - particularly the two wills bit!

Propertywoes · 14/04/2019 16:45

Now they are married surely his property just passes to her if he dies?

Original poster

Easyroad · 14/04/2019 16:46

Yes the two wills bit is crazy and I think he maybe threw that in when he was explaining things to me to distract from the reality that this is simply a non-legal intention expressed by him.

OP posts:

Bibijayne · 14/04/2019 16:46

You can contest his will though.

eurochick · 14/04/2019 16:47

He can't have two wills. If he leaves everything to her and she makes a will now leaving everything to you, she would be perfectly free to change that if your dad passes away first. I'm afraid to say you are likely to find yourself with nothing in this scenario.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/04/2019 16:47

The "two wills" is bullshit. Once he dies, she gets everything and can do whatever she wants with the estate. SHE would have to be the one to make her own will and leave everything left to you. I think your dad has lost the plot. I'm very sorry.

Original poster

Easyroad · 14/04/2019 16:47

Yes now they are married everything passes to him so why did he tell me that marrying was to save the cost of tax for me if I inherit anything this is a complete red herring?

OP posts:

Oysterbabe · 14/04/2019 16:49

She's his wife of course his money should go to her, if it hasn't all been spent on care home fees.

StealthPolarBear · 14/04/2019 16:49

Why are they assuming he will die first?
Do you have any idea why your relationship has grown more distant? I am wondering if she is ill

Original poster

Easyroad · 14/04/2019 16:50

what a mess. i think he has been bamboozled by legal advice - she is very sharp and has maybe led the conversations. But what on earth can I do about this? I can only think of appealing to their better judgement and asking them to think again?

OP posts:

DPotter · 14/04/2019 16:51

Ooo that's a low blow for you - can understand you're feeling confused and upset.

2 things spring to mind - it's very underhand for your DF to tell you he's married but not to tell anyone else. I personally would contact him and say you can't do this. The information will be in the public domain anyway as forthcoming weddings have to be publicised, so it's not as if non one else knows. You don't have to make a big thing out of it - tell your kids, get them to write a card, buy a small gift and take them around.

secondly as I understand it - you can't leave anything in your will to someone else and then require them to leave it to someone else. Once it's given, it's their to do with as they wish. He could leave his property for her to 'enjoy' for the rest of her life, a life time interest, and then it falls to you or whoever when she dies. You could ask him to clarify this and check who he has designated as the executor of the will as they will be responsible for carrying out it's terms. If he hasn't asked you to do this - you're not the executor.

IceRebel · 14/04/2019 16:51

As I understand it if they are married then all his estate passes to her, unless his will says otherwise. Regardless of a document saying she must pass it on to you when she dies, she doesn't have to pass anything onto you at all.

Original poster

Easyroad · 14/04/2019 16:52

Stealth polar bear that is a good point - she has been unwell recently - though not as far as I know chronically. And yes we are all assuming my dad will die first -perhaps driven by my worst fears.

OP posts:

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 14/04/2019 16:53

First of all I cannot see why you would be asked to collude in the lie that they are married...this seems really odd.It just doesnt seem to make logical sense.I would if I were you maybe through gritted teeth go round and or invite them both to dinner and just get everything out in the open...no more secrets...He can of course leave what he wants to whom he wants that goes without saying but surely as his wife she is if she outlives him entitled to the home she lives in etc...too many secrets here OP and I would want to get to the bottom of this odd behaviour...Good Luck figuring it out but the only two who can help you is your dad and his wife...Your head must be spinning...pin em down and ask them what the hell is going on....dont mention inheritance just see why the huge secret and see what comes from that...

lyralalala · 14/04/2019 16:53

The inheritance tax thing could be a misunderstanding on your Dad's part. His estate that goes to her won't be subject to any tax, then when she dies she'll have both of their IHT limits to use. So there will be less tax to pay at that point than if he left it to her as his partner and then she left it to you.

His wishes are entirely dependent on her making a will that includes his wishes.

You can contest his will though.

Unless the OP is financially dependent on him there are no grounds to contest his will. And even when there is grounds contesting a will costs a fortune.

nauseous5000 · 14/04/2019 16:54

Honestly I'd be gutted if my dad got married without telling me, but decidedly meh about the will thing. I don't think our parents owe us an inheritance and I hope my parents spend their money on themselves to be honest

Pythonesque · 14/04/2019 16:54

The only thing I can think is if his will gives her a "life interest" in the house, after which it goes to you. If he is saying things that don't make sense - do you think he made a will that he was competent to agree to? If you have real concerns it might be worth arranging to talk to the solicitor who did his will, just to clarify whether his wishes seem to have been correctly recognised.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 14/04/2019 16:56

You can contest his will though.

On what grounds ?

theprobatedepartment.co.uk/contest-a-will/

Original poster

Easyroad · 14/04/2019 16:57

Dpotter yes thank you this point about being asked to be secret about the marriage feels very controlling - possibly worse than the issue about the inheritance. He said that she is not telling any of her family but he said he needed to tell me - which means I cant tell anyone in case her family find out. What a bloody childish mess.

I had always thought that he would stipulate in his will that I should let her stay in the house until she dies - almost has her rent-free landlady. That would require her to trust me - but I think that they have opted for a situation that requires me to trust her!!!!

OP posts:

Guyliner · 14/04/2019 16:57

I know an older couple who have got married in secret. They did it to give themselves the security and ease of paperwork that comes with marriage, but didn't want to nake a fuss. She's quite independent and didn't want the trappings of marriage. This will all get sorted out when civil partnerships come in for everyone. I don't see why you care if they are married and want to tell your children. Nothing has changed they are in a long term relationship already and if they aren't worried about it I can't see why anyone else should be?

CherryPavlova · 14/04/2019 16:57

They’ve been together ten years. Of course he wants to secure her future in case he dies. Of course she’ll inherit over you. Why is that an issue?

Hearhere · 14/04/2019 16:57

I would be wondering what happened to make the 'switch flip'
I would also assume that when he talks to you he has her (metaphorically) whispering in his ear

YouBumder · 14/04/2019 16:59

If it’s to avoid tax it doesn’t make any sense as any inheritance to her will be tax free anyway as they’re married but will be liable to tax when she dies. It would have made more sense to leave a share to you and any remainder to his wife to mitigate IHT. I suppose there’s not a huge amount you can do but it may be worth pointing this out to him.

Chocolateisfab · 14/04/2019 16:59

My df also married without my knowledge. Soon after they won vast cash. Although sm decided since she actually filled in the slip it was her money. Dh has no assets - they bought a house cash and she told me via phone call I was getting none of the cash.
He never paid cms or bought me anything as a dc.
He apologised on the sly and said I would be getting anything left from his share on his death (!?)
Sm is at least ten years younger and persuaded df to go nc 20 years ago.
They are welcome to each other and the cash.

TheClaifeCrier · 14/04/2019 16:59

My Dad has done something similar. He has left everything in his will to my step-mum and stated that she should then split everything between myself and my siblings / her children when she dies.

Pretty positive for many reasons that she won't follow this and there's little chance of him outliving her.

To be honest it doesn't bother me. It's not my money and it's up to him to decide what to do with it.

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