Hurt because my 75 year old dad married in secret and has signed his entire will over to his new wife.

[Easyroad]

My dad is 75 and i am 46. I’m an only child and parents have been separated since i was 18. Dad has been through 3 serious relationships since then plus various dalliances. His current has been going for 12 years and is 73. She moved in about 10 years ago - sharing his house where I grew up and renting out her own house miles away.

in the early days of their relationship I was very very happy he had found her and she was kind and attentive and lovely to be around - and very kind to my two small children. She has no children of her own but has treated her two adult nephews as sons - giving them much love and financial support.

In past 3 years she has grown remote and it has felt almost as if a switch has flipped and our links with her have stopped. this has made life hard - my kids love her and my dad is reluctant to do things without her so we see him less and less despite him being only a mile away. They do see her adult nephews a lot more - neither have kids.

I was always very close to my dad - he is lovely but also quite child-like and always very consumed by his relationships and I have often felt out in the cold until relationships have ended and then our closeness has tended to return.

1 year ago I told him he needed to find legal help to sort out a will - his existing one left everything to me - but I was conscious of his partner’s security - living in his house and being vulnerable. I was trying to do the right thing for her. They did seek advice from a solicitor. Now I'm regretting it!!!

Today my dad asked to meet with me in a cafe and told me 1) they married in secret - they did this to enable him to pass on my inheritance to me without being stung by tax (?but you'll see in a moment this doesn't seem to make any sense - it does benefit her however I think?). They say didn’t want to marry it was just for tax reasons and that i must keep this a secret from everyone - especially my two kids (who would be delighted). 2) they have decided to leave everything i.e. his estate to her - he will have two wills - the second will say she must pass his estate to me when she passes away.

I am confused and unaware of the legal reality of any of this - but my initial feelings are to be hurt. I feel alone with the knowledge that they married as I can’t tell anyone. I am in a spin about the new status of their relationship. I feel left out and sad that I couldn’t be part of this. And I am facing the truth (one I wasn’t aware of till now) which is that I don’t really trust his new wife to respect his intentions regarding his will. Finally I am afraid of what will happen after he dies - will it fall to me to liaise with her about the will? What if she has to release all the equity in order to fund her own care? Her own house will be left to her nephews - will she sell this before she dips into my Father’s estate? Euch.

Is this a mess or am I being a bit of a baby? I know I need to get over this and take a more thoughtful view but for now I cant I feel so upset. AIBU???

My Dad and stepmother both executed wills leaving everything to each other on the basis that the surviving spouse would leave everything to be split equally between me, my siblings and step-brothers. The rationale being that they wanted their spouse to have the best retirement, care etc. I did understand the reasoning behind it.

My Dad died a few years ago and it is really up to his widow what happens next. She and my step-brothers understood his intentions and I think that they would honour them but nothing is guaranteed.

DH and I have just updated our wills. We have a DS and neither of us have been married before, no other children. The solicitor suggested we set the wills up with life interests for both of us, to cover any possibility of one of us remarrying after death of the other spouse so DS wouldn't miss out on his inheritance.

Can you check with your DF whether the will has been set up with a life interest for your step mum?

She will likely leave it all to her nephews.

A married couple can have tandem wills. DH and I both have children drom precious marriages so we’ve done this. We sat down together and decided what was a fair division, which turned out to be that 75% is for my two kids and 25% for his four. This is in case we die together in an accident etc. Obviously if one of us died and the other remarried then the survivor’s will would be invalid and therefore their choice of how to leave the money, we just have to trust each other.

Your dad sounds really mixed up about it. Could you ask him to bring his papers and the two of you see a solicitor together, making the excuse that you just don’t understand what he means?

Is it still possible to leave properties in trust for someone? I thought this was a fallacy be interested to hear if anyone knows?

I think it’s worth preparing yourself financially to receive nothing from his estate. I know two horror stories - one, a woman in her fifties still flatsharing in London because her mother died very unexpectedly when she was a teenager, left everything to her husband who remarried and left everything to the second wife “don’t worry, she’s promised you’ll be gifted 50% of my share to save inheritance tax and will leave you the other 50% and her own to her own daughter” - within weeks the second wife said she wanted to be clear that she would need the money herself, my friend should find herself a husband to keep her and anything left over at the end of her life would be willed to her child. He was really quite wealthy.

Another story - very similar; having money does make people very tight. They’re full of good intentions and promises until there it is in their bank account and they have to give it away. Then their priorities change.

If your DF wants to guarantee you receive any of his estate he needs to leave it to you with his wife having a lifetime interest. Otherwise, he really is just leaving her everything and crossing fingers. Which is absolutely his right.

Well it’s his money so really he can do what he wants.

I suspect solicitors have given the best advice for their clients him and his now wife. It’s nothing personal from a legal standpoint this is the best set up for the SM in the circumstances that the DF passed first. The SM has security and when she passes you get that house inheritance and her nephews hers. When they sat down and went through all the assets the solicitor gave advice based on that.

Unfortunately children can be money grabbing arseholes once parents die (not saying OP is) and the SM who is a long term figure can get screwed over, so a solicitor will advise based on what’s best for them rather than what might hurt children’s feelings- especially fully grown ones!

I would suggest going round to get clarity on the two wills (I think this is a wording error) and ask if you are wanted to be an executor. If they want to keep the marriage secret it could be they don’t want a fuss but really can’t police who you tell, so make it clear will do best you can but if slips out it slips out!

If he died without a will, as he's married, HALF of his estate will go to his wife, (up to a certain amount I think) and the other half, divided between any children. It doesn't all go to his wife.

No it’s slightly different. The spouse gets the first £250k of any estate then half the remainder with the other half to the children.

So if the estate is only worth, say, £300k the children will get £25k

The SM has security and when she passes you get that house inheritance and her nephews hers.

That would be the fairest outcome. However, the way the wills seem to have been made, means that when the SM passes she can choose to leave it all the the nephews.

I would agree that if everything passes to her, she can do what she likes with it and will, most likely, pass it on to her nephews. I would certainly prepare yourself for that. BUT it doesn’t sound to me like that’s what your dad is expecting. I think he really believes that you will eventually inherit and that is his intention. While I suspect you will end up with nothing, I don’t think that it should make you doubt your relationship with your father.

Really puzzled why they don't want anyone to know they are married. Could it be that she is still married to someone else?

I don’t agree that he wants to leave it all to his wife, I don’t think there’s enough evidence that he wishes to disinherit his daughter - he seems to imagine she will receive the house, but after his wife dies. It’s his money to do with what he pleases BUT it would be a shame if he thinks he’s protected both women he loves but has actually been misled and is only helping one. You need to talk to him OP.

No it’s slightly different. The spouse gets the first £250k of any estate then half the remainder with the other half to the children.

So if the estate is only worth, say, £300k the children will get £25k

Plus if the property is switched to joint tenants it doesn't form part of the estate, which can mean there is nothing passed onto the children if the property is the bulk of the estate.

That's where the OP's father mentioning the IHT might come in as she'd have the double IHT allowance to set against the house value when she died.

Is your real concern that if your father dies first - then when his wife dies she will leave everything to her nephews?

You need to know if your father has organised ‘life interest’ for her but then everything goes to you.

They've been together 12 years. It would seem reasonable to me that they marry and name each other as beneficiaries in their wills. What am I missing?

You could point out to him that the life interest route would stop your inheritance being swallowed up if she is unable to continue living in the house at any point (after his death) and has to go into a care home. That's an easier way to raise it than 'she might not actually follow your wishes'.

You said the secrecy over the marriage is because of her family. Perhaps she knows that it won’t go down well with her nephews- after all, they’re presumably in the same position as you: if she dies first, her house might pass to him (or so they would fear) and they risk losing their expected inheritance.

I wonder what happened three years ago that changed the relationship? Have you asked your dad, OP?

I suspect the 2 wills thing is him trying to say they have mirror wills ie. to each other and then his house to you and her house to her nephews. It might not be as drastic as you think. However she could still change her will if her were to die first to leave it all to the cats' home if she wanted to.

“They've been together 12 years. It would seem reasonable to me that they marry and name each other as beneficiaries in their wills. What am I missing?”

Tne possibility that the woman who inherits everything will then not leave one penny to his Dd.

So the whole of his estate, that he earned and built up before he met her, goes to her relatives and not to his own Dd.

This has happened to two friends of mine.

If a family member destroys a Will, unless there are copies lodged elsewhere there is sweet FA the police can do. It happened in my GF family.

OP, that's really tough. It definitely sounds as though what he has told you he intends is not what the legal documents actually say. I think it's important that he seeks legal advice himself and shows a solicitor what has been done, what he wants, and what he needs to do to set things right.

you can leave someone a life interest in a house even including down sizing etc
your dad could definitely leave his wife an life interest in his share of the house so she doesn't have to move when he dies, that is perfectly reasonable no one would want their spouse to have to move immediate;y for a house sale, however it is also perfectly reasonable for him to leave his share to you and she can leave her share to her nephews, you would not get your share until either she dies or moves into permanent care
so my Dad is quite a bit older than my mum so in the natural order if and when my father dies my mum gets to live in the house she can move to another house but my father's half is ours ( my sisters and I) when the house is finally sold either at my mothers death or if she needed to go into care, in that case her 50% (-16K) would end up in care home fees but my fathers 50% would be shared amongst us,
my mum could re write her will after my Father's death but she can't alter what happens to his 50% she can't cash it in ( not that she would anyway)

I think he wants to leave everything to SM but is too embarrassed to tell you straight so has come up with convoluted story to hide behind.

I’m sorry OP but I also think this is probably the case. I’m in no doubt I’m going to be in the same position in the future and making up a story to save embarrassment and confrontation is exactly what I’d be expecting from my DF too (I also wasn’t at his wedding - I wasn’t invited despite having a good relationship)

I think your 2 options are, swallow the hurt and accept it is what it is, or ask them round for dinner and tell them you’d appreciate them explaining it all honestly so that you have the full picture for when one or both of them pass away. I’m not sure what I would do.

Has she also made a new will? You could ask him if they've made mutual wills?