Hurt because my 75 year old dad married in secret and has signed his entire will over to his new wife.

[Easyroad]

My dad is 75 and i am 46. I’m an only child and parents have been separated since i was 18. Dad has been through 3 serious relationships since then plus various dalliances. His current has been going for 12 years and is 73. She moved in about 10 years ago - sharing his house where I grew up and renting out her own house miles away.

in the early days of their relationship I was very very happy he had found her and she was kind and attentive and lovely to be around - and very kind to my two small children. She has no children of her own but has treated her two adult nephews as sons - giving them much love and financial support.

In past 3 years she has grown remote and it has felt almost as if a switch has flipped and our links with her have stopped. this has made life hard - my kids love her and my dad is reluctant to do things without her so we see him less and less despite him being only a mile away. They do see her adult nephews a lot more - neither have kids.

I was always very close to my dad - he is lovely but also quite child-like and always very consumed by his relationships and I have often felt out in the cold until relationships have ended and then our closeness has tended to return.

1 year ago I told him he needed to find legal help to sort out a will - his existing one left everything to me - but I was conscious of his partner’s security - living in his house and being vulnerable. I was trying to do the right thing for her. They did seek advice from a solicitor. Now I'm regretting it!!!

Today my dad asked to meet with me in a cafe and told me 1) they married in secret - they did this to enable him to pass on my inheritance to me without being stung by tax (?but you'll see in a moment this doesn't seem to make any sense - it does benefit her however I think?). They say didn’t want to marry it was just for tax reasons and that i must keep this a secret from everyone - especially my two kids (who would be delighted). 2) they have decided to leave everything i.e. his estate to her - he will have two wills - the second will say she must pass his estate to me when she passes away.

I am confused and unaware of the legal reality of any of this - but my initial feelings are to be hurt. I feel alone with the knowledge that they married as I can’t tell anyone. I am in a spin about the new status of their relationship. I feel left out and sad that I couldn’t be part of this. And I am facing the truth (one I wasn’t aware of till now) which is that I don’t really trust his new wife to respect his intentions regarding his will. Finally I am afraid of what will happen after he dies - will it fall to me to liaise with her about the will? What if she has to release all the equity in order to fund her own care? Her own house will be left to her nephews - will she sell this before she dips into my Father’s estate? Euch.

Is this a mess or am I being a bit of a baby? I know I need to get over this and take a more thoughtful view but for now I cant I feel so upset. AIBU???

Ok - don't panic. This can all be sorted. He cannot have two wills: and he cannot rely on his 'wife' honouring his wishes.

His Will can document that on his passing he leaves the house to 'wife' on a lifetime tenancy (Assuming she is not on the deeds/mortgage) she can stay into the house for the rest of her life - it then passes to any beneficiaries he dictates in his will (you).

As for other money etc you'd have to approach that separately.

My grandad has done this for his grandkids (me) and his second wife has left her family home to her grandchildren.

I have another will related issue in my family and it's not pretty. I feel your pain! Don't feel grabby - what you are doing is ensuring your Dads wishes are documented. Good luck OP.

He has taken the option that trusts his wife to make choices after his death that reflect his wishes rather than taking the choice to trust his daughter to reflect his wishes. I think I would be hurt too. I wonder whether your SM feels more vulnerable then she should (you sound like a trustworthy person, but does she believe that?).

I've seen similar scenarios go very wrong...

The care costs eating everything away got me. I wonder if you should suggest to your dad that he leave it to you in trust with right for yourSM to live there as long as she was alive/excepting being n a care home for a least 3 months. Then even if she lived there it couldn't be robed to pay for care costs?

I honestly would think carefully, get legal advice about an alternative and go to him with a counter proposal.

I don't think he wants to hurt you. I think he feels torn. Help him find a solution that works well for all parties.

Oh dear, I'm sorry OP.

I would sit your dad down again privately and explain to him that what he has done will mean that his estate will end up going to his wife's nephews rather than his own grandchildren. Ask him if that is what he wants.

Make it very clear that if that isn't what he wants he needs to leave his estate to you but with provision for his wife to live in the home until her death and if she needs it some sort of yearly income.

He needs to understand that if he leaves the estate to her (or whatever this two wills thing is) then there's no reason why his wife will then honour any wish of his after his death, especially as she's been freezing you out recently.

I would want to revisit this solicitor with your dad without her and redo it all. She doesn't need to know.

But if he realises that you're unlikely to end up with anything and won't change his will there's nothing you can do I'm afraid, but I couldn't forgive it. I would be more than happy to make provision for a stepparent until their death but would feel very resentful about my own children then not inheriting the estate eventually. Many on Mumsnet will say 'his money his choice' but in real life most people don't tend to think like that.

Your spouse dies then you have to leave your home? Is that a normal occurance?

I don't know about "normal" but i happened to a friend's partner of 19 years (they weren't married if that makes a difference)

She left everything to her 3 kids by her late husband and nothing to him, and they soon made it very clear they wanted him out. Admittedly he wasn't a very pleasant man, but it was still pretty ugly to watch

@givemesteel, are you seriously suggesting OP encourages her dad to undo the wills they've made together behind his wife's back? That's outrageous.

My MIL married her husband late in life, cared for him for years and was then left nothing in his will where everything went to his kids. That’s unfair, too. He was horrible, though.

Your dad has chosen to solely prioritise his wife, and it sounds like should he die first you would inherit nothing, which is hurtful. He sounds like he’s consistently prioritised his romantic relationships over you.

I wouldn’t keep the marriage secret, would have firm boundaries around the DCs seeing either of them.

Isn’t it MN law that men prioritorise their wives?

over their parents / friends perhaps: not over DC!

I think that only applies to dependent children, not middle aged ones!

I wonder what happened three years ago that changed the relationship? Have you asked your dad, OP?

OP didn't say if he said when they'd got married, so I'm wondering if they got married 3 years ago. Once she was legally entitled to most of his estate, maybe she didn't feel she needed to keep up the "close" relationship with OP and her children.

I don't know about "normal" but i happened to a friend's partner of 19 years (they weren't married if that makes a difference)

It makes a massive difference! That's why women on here are encouraged to get married if they have children, because of the legal rights you only have if married to your OH. Unmarried partners are not entitled to anything in their partner's estate if it hasn't been willed to them.

Unfortunately, there are still many people who don't realise this, and have a nasty shock when they're bereaved.

I'm not sure if the 'can't be declared intestate if they had a will' was aimed at my post but what I said is true. The will he made BEFORE he married his 2nd wife was revoked on that marriage. He should have had it rewritten. This was told to me by his solicitor who wrote the original will.

What’s the issue? As his wife, she inherits.
What possible grounds have you to contest his will?

Oblahdeeoblahdoe, no, it was Buggeroffandgooddaytoyou's post tht talked about a widower declaring his wife intestate.

(Fine names, in both cases!)

I don't think it was Oblahdeeoblahdoe I think it was querying BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou post which said

My Mum died, she knew she was dying. She HAD written a will stating that her half of the house was to be split between me and my brother but Dad could stay in it as long as he wanted... Dad declared her intestate so EVERYTHING went to him.

The above situation seems strange, as unless the will wasn't valid it should have been acted upon.

Something must have triggered this?

In past 3 years she has grown remote and it has felt almost as if a switch has flipped and our links with her have stopped. this has made life hard - my kids love her and my dad is reluctant to do things without her so we see him less and less despite him being only a mile away. They do see her adult nephews a lot more - neither have kids.

Could it be they got married then?

I’d discuss this again with your father and explain the fact two wills doesn’t make sense and he should be leaving whatever he wants to leave to you, the grandchildren and his wife in one will.

@AndOutComeTheBoobs just the op said they got o well until recently and then it all changed. Im wondering if the wife has a personality change and the DH wants to kook after her in sickness and in health

Two wills does not work. Only the first is legal.your dad is 75 - he should know this!

I wouldn’t trust your father’s wife as far as I could throw her.

Try to see your dad on his own and ask him if this what he meant - for his money, if he dies first, to go to his wife’s nephews.

Did he make the wills with a solicitor?

The above situation seems strange, as unless the will wasn't valid it should have been acted upon

Sounds more like the will was ‘lost’ - which is easily done if they are kept at home. Especially DIY wills.

A sad situation and if you are thinking of contesting the will seek legal advice. Personally the secret wedding and not being invited would be the thing that would offend me most.

Thanks for many kind and helpful words.

I do want to stress that it was me who suggested my dad and his then girlfriend see a solicitor because I cared about her wellbeing. My dad was adamant I would inherit everything and I could see this was awful for her i.e. her home and security and would leave lots of unresolved issues after his death for the two of us to sort out. But I never for a moment foresaw this new outcome as he showed no inclination to change his plans to pass on his inheritance to me and my kids through his will and I’d always assumed she would do the same for her nephews with her smaller estate.

I do understand I have no right as such to his estate and see how much her love and support to him are worth. But I’m pretty gobsmacked by this dramatic change of plan.

Thanks for all the help it really has armed me with more info.

I think part of the justifiable frustration in threads like this is when a parent makes clear what they want to happen to their estate but then they make a will that leads to an outcome that goes against this. They create a mess because they want to avoid having uncomfortable conversations.

Our Mam has made a will equally splitting her estate between her children. That's fine. However, she gave over £10000 to one of my siblings and rather than account for this in her will, she told me that I will need to approach this sibling after her death and get them to hand money over to me to settle what our Mam sees as an inequality. It wouldn't surprise me if this hasn't been mentioned to my sibling and so she's sowing the seeds of a nasty dispute. As far as I'm concerned I plan to let this thorny issue lie. However, if my older brother is aware of this I would expect him to demand his "share" of the £10000.

If she said the £10000 is none of the other siblings' business, that would be great. If she said it's our business and so the will accounts for it, that would be great too. What's not great is the "solution" she has created that could cause an unpleasant war between her kids.

It does sound like the truth is they actually got married 3 years ago and that's why the woman was suddenly less friendly, feet under the table, didn't have to pretend anymore

The secret wedding is very telling, I think it sends the message that you don't have a place in their new life together

In Scotland, a third of an estate is always ring-fenced for any children, and they divide it equally. This is set in stone by Scottish law, whether the surviving spouse wants this to happen or not.