My dad is 75 and i am 46. I’m an only child and parents have been separated since i was 18. Dad has been through 3 serious relationships since then plus various dalliances. His current has been going for 12 years and is 73. She moved in about 10 years ago - sharing his house where I grew up and renting out her own house miles away.
in the early days of their relationship I was very very happy he had found her and she was kind and attentive and lovely to be around - and very kind to my two small children. She has no children of her own but has treated her two adult nephews as sons - giving them much love and financial support.
In past 3 years she has grown remote and it has felt almost as if a switch has flipped and our links with her have stopped. this has made life hard - my kids love her and my dad is reluctant to do things without her so we see him less and less despite him being only a mile away. They do see her adult nephews a lot more - neither have kids.
I was always very close to my dad - he is lovely but also quite child-like and always very consumed by his relationships and I have often felt out in the cold until relationships have ended and then our closeness has tended to return.
1 year ago I told him he needed to find legal help to sort out a will - his existing one left everything to me - but I was conscious of his partner’s security - living in his house and being vulnerable. I was trying to do the right thing for her. They did seek advice from a solicitor. Now I'm regretting it!!!
Today my dad asked to meet with me in a cafe and told me 1) they married in secret - they did this to enable him to pass on my inheritance to me without being stung by tax (?but you'll see in a moment this doesn't seem to make any sense - it does benefit her however I think?). They say didn’t want to marry it was just for tax reasons and that i must keep this a secret from everyone - especially my two kids (who would be delighted). 2) they have decided to leave everything i.e. his estate to her - he will have two wills - the second will say she must pass his estate to me when she passes away.
I am confused and unaware of the legal reality of any of this - but my initial feelings are to be hurt. I feel alone with the knowledge that they married as I can’t tell anyone. I am in a spin about the new status of their relationship. I feel left out and sad that I couldn’t be part of this. And I am facing the truth (one I wasn’t aware of till now) which is that I don’t really trust his new wife to respect his intentions regarding his will. Finally I am afraid of what will happen after he dies - will it fall to me to liaise with her about the will? What if she has to release all the equity in order to fund her own care? Her own house will be left to her nephews - will she sell this before she dips into my Father’s estate? Euch.
Is this a mess or am I being a bit of a baby? I know I need to get over this and take a more thoughtful view but for now I cant I feel so upset. AIBU???