Hurt because my 75 year old dad married in secret and has signed his entire will over to his new wife.

[Easyroad]

My dad is 75 and i am 46. I’m an only child and parents have been separated since i was 18. Dad has been through 3 serious relationships since then plus various dalliances. His current has been going for 12 years and is 73. She moved in about 10 years ago - sharing his house where I grew up and renting out her own house miles away.

in the early days of their relationship I was very very happy he had found her and she was kind and attentive and lovely to be around - and very kind to my two small children. She has no children of her own but has treated her two adult nephews as sons - giving them much love and financial support.

In past 3 years she has grown remote and it has felt almost as if a switch has flipped and our links with her have stopped. this has made life hard - my kids love her and my dad is reluctant to do things without her so we see him less and less despite him being only a mile away. They do see her adult nephews a lot more - neither have kids.

I was always very close to my dad - he is lovely but also quite child-like and always very consumed by his relationships and I have often felt out in the cold until relationships have ended and then our closeness has tended to return.

1 year ago I told him he needed to find legal help to sort out a will - his existing one left everything to me - but I was conscious of his partner’s security - living in his house and being vulnerable. I was trying to do the right thing for her. They did seek advice from a solicitor. Now I'm regretting it!!!

Today my dad asked to meet with me in a cafe and told me 1) they married in secret - they did this to enable him to pass on my inheritance to me without being stung by tax (?but you'll see in a moment this doesn't seem to make any sense - it does benefit her however I think?). They say didn’t want to marry it was just for tax reasons and that i must keep this a secret from everyone - especially my two kids (who would be delighted). 2) they have decided to leave everything i.e. his estate to her - he will have two wills - the second will say she must pass his estate to me when she passes away.

I am confused and unaware of the legal reality of any of this - but my initial feelings are to be hurt. I feel alone with the knowledge that they married as I can’t tell anyone. I am in a spin about the new status of their relationship. I feel left out and sad that I couldn’t be part of this. And I am facing the truth (one I wasn’t aware of till now) which is that I don’t really trust his new wife to respect his intentions regarding his will. Finally I am afraid of what will happen after he dies - will it fall to me to liaise with her about the will? What if she has to release all the equity in order to fund her own care? Her own house will be left to her nephews - will she sell this before she dips into my Father’s estate? Euch.

Is this a mess or am I being a bit of a baby? I know I need to get over this and take a more thoughtful view but for now I cant I feel so upset. AIBU???

This is interesting. I haven't got time to read all the posts but DF has been with partner 10+ years. Will have to try and find out if they got married in secret, ha! Not being funny, but why did he tell you if it was a secret? I suppose he wants to be honest.

As to the second will comment, it could be that his wife has been granted a life estate? E.g. she gets it for the rest of her life but must pass it to you upon her death. She would be unable to change this. If it just a normal transfer to her, she would be able to amend the will to pass the estate onto whoever she wishes.

^Find out if it's this. DF has changed his will to leave everything to her and that when she passes it must be passed to myself and DB. I would have made sure she had a home but she said to DF what happens if you die before me and I have nowhere to live (she sold her house and has lent DF a lot of money over the years). They have been together a long time. She has a DB but no DC.

My relationship with the partner has gone strange recently too. She expects me to make all the effort. In reality I am just busy with life and I rarely get time to call anyone but she is taking it quite personally.

I think you should tread very carefully OP and take a lot of the advice on this thread with a huge pinch of salt.

A lot of posters are assuming that everything has been left to the stepmother outright leaving it to SM’s honour to pass it on to you in her own will, and that SM will probably breach that promise and leave it elsewhere instead. I know that things like that do happen all too often, but in this case those assumptions are very questionable given that a) the SM has no children of her own b) DF has indicated that the intention is that the money will eventually come to OP c) we’ve only got a third hand description of the will, via a non-expert septuagenarian whose explanation makes no sense. Any competent lawyer, having been told what the DF wants to achieve, would probably set up a lifetime trust of some kind, and that’s a very plausible explanation of what the DF was saying (in a muddled way).

Going in all guns blazing, or even with the slightest hint of a suggestion that you are expecting the woman your DF loves to defraud you is pretty much the best way to guarantee it happens if it wasn’t going to already. It’s reasonable to be curious about what the will actually says, because the DF’s explanation is so garbled, but watch your step.

As for the secret marriage, couples feel forced to get married against their will for IHT reasons all the time, and many of them try to keep it secret or at least very quiet. The tax advantages for the surviving spouse and for the OP/SM’s nephews under the new regime are huge, so I don’t think that’s suspicious, especially if SM thinks her family might find it a betrayal of her late husband.

My parents will includes something around a Trust and something happening depending on who dies first - they told me when they made it and I just nodded figuring solicitor would explain it as and when so maybe it's something like this? ( probably irrelevant in our case anyway with care fees).

Bengalcat
The will cam have a clause which names a specific person. So if Joe bloggs will owner marries Joanna Doe this will remains the same.

I am middle aged and know several couples who are married but haven't shared it with anyone including their children or parents. It was just something they did for legal reasons and if they could have signed a civil partnership they would have. They didn't even celebrate just literally an afternoon off work.

R2G

My mother, now 80, did this a couple of years ago. It was a purely practical, legal necessity, she and my stepdad have been together more than 41 years and they didn’t want to bother anyone with the faff of a wedding for what they considered a formality. Told me a couple of weeks later, in passing, and I wasn’t the least put out. I was extremely pleased that they were now legally secure and had always assumed they would each be the other’s beneficiary anyway. This is exactly what they’ve done and the last to go will pass anything left minus a few bequests on to my siblings and I, which will be very nice thank you. No biggie if it’s gone though. I’d be horrified to think they were going without in old age just so they could leave an inheritance. I want them happy, comfortable and cared for (which I won’t be doing, we’re not those kind of people, we’d all hate it).
I think it’s horrendous that some people seem to be basing their feelings for parents/grandparents on what they think they’re going to get out of it.

That’s lovely langrish. And in the event that your DM and DFIL die without needing extended paid-for care (most people don’t) and leave a significant bequest then their marriage also has big financial benefits for you and your siblings, which is nice.

Yes but things change. If you die first you trust your partner but anything can happen. The remaining partner is not obliged even to leave anything to their own child. Make it watertight.

The contents of the Will only matter in terms of what he leaves behind when he dies. There’s nothing to stop your DF transferring property or assets to you now rather than after his death.

If he is genuinely trying to protect your inheritance I’d have thought this idea would appeal to him.

It’s not unreasonable for him to make provision for his wife. The whole secret marriage thing is bizarre though.

The thing is, she would have a home....hers that she is renting out so would not be homeless. In order to be sure, she would need to change her will to ensure that you get your dad's house and stuff depending on how much care she needs in her dotage. As for marrying in secret, fuck that staying a secret. Why does she want to keep quiet?

Oh, and her house should go first to pay for care to ensure your dad's legacy stays on your side.

Yes, I would think that now they are married the houses belong to both so if there are care fees then the house they are not resident in would surely be sold first if funds are needed.

Missingstreetlife

“Yes but things change. If you die first you trust your partner but anything can happen. The remaining partner is not obliged even to leave anything to their own child. Make it watertight.”

You’re missing the point that some people don’t care. If mine want to leave me something, that would be very nice and I’d gratefully receive it and raise a glass to them. I’m not rich and I’m sure I could make use of it. If they want to leave it to Cats Protection, that’s ok too. Wouldn’t make me remember them any less fondly for who they’d been when they were alive. Not what I would do, but that’s completely irrelevant because it’s not my money! If my adult children are comfortable in their independent lives I might feel any money my husband/I have to leave would do more good in another way.
Why do so many people feel they have some sort of automatic right to their parents’ (uncles/aunts/relatives generally) belongings?

Langrish I totally agree with you. I know this is off topic but we have no money worries whereas my brother and his family really struggle and haven’t got much of a life. If my parents were to leave all they have to him I wouldn’t think they loved me any less; it’s just that he needs it more.

Why do people equate money with love? Or is that just a smokescreen to make their greed more palatable?

My grandfather did this.marriwd again and died soon after. New wife fucked off with no contacting details with all his money. Nothing to his dcs.

New wife fucked off with no contacting details with all his money. Nothing to his dcs

It was her money. Unless he had a learning disability he was aware of this

Why do people equate money with love? Or is that just a smokescreen to make their greed more palatable?

But it works the other way around. If I was left a load from a parent but not my siblings I would have to share. How is that me being greedy?

Yes, it is fine to leave your money to the cats home, or other charity of choice, rather than your children, if that is what you want to do and you do it in a way that doesn't come as a complete shock to them when you are gone. What is not so fine is for you want to leave your money to your children (as most people do including OP's DF) but set your will up in such a way that they will get nothing. It is also fine to to want to leave enough for your spouse to live in comfort for the rest of their life, but if you don't make provision in your will for the estate to pass to your children on their demise, you risk your estate going to, not a charity, not a loved one, but a complete stranger, rather than your own children. I don't know how a parent can say they don't care because they will be dead.

The whole thing sounds a bit fishy. I appreciate they didn't want much of a wedding but why does the marriage need to be a secret - no reason that I can see. Also the 2 wills - if nothing else needs querying that does!

There’s nothing to stop your DF transferring property or assets to you now rather than after his death.

Jesus don't take advice from Mumsnet.

but a complete stranger

You mean his wife and her family. You might now know them well but they're not strangers to the dad.

Also the 2 wills - if nothing else needs querying that does

Eurgh. You suggest she queries it with him further? Because she's worried about what she thinks is hers. It's not, it's his.

“The whole thing sounds a bit fishy. I appreciate they didn't want much of a wedding but why does the marriage need to be a secret - no reason that I can see. Also the 2 wills - if nothing else needs querying that does”

Because that’s what they wanted to do. Doesn’t matter whether anyone else sees a reason or not. Maybe they just wanted to avoid assorted relatives picking over their private decisions or turning to “complete strangers” on the internet for advice because they were peeved they might miss out.

^but a complete stranger

You mean his wife and her family. You might now know them well but they're not strangers to the dad.^

No, I do not! She may even marry again and leave her money to her next husband. I know, unusual at 73, but also not impossible!

Eurgh. You suggest she queries it with him further? Because she's worried about what she thinks is hers. It's not, it's his.

No because he seems to think he has 2 wills, one leaving his money to his wife and another leaving his money to his daughter, which is, of course, impossible. If he truly believes it, he needs to be aware he is mistaken, and then he can make an informed choice about what to do with the money which is, indeed, his!

You sort of made the point there Cecily. “She May even marry again and leave “her” money to her new husband. “Her”obey.

If OP’s father wants to make separate provision for her, he sounds perfectly capable of doing so. If he doesn’t, she has no right to question his decision. It’s his and now his wife’s money to do with as they wish.