Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hurt because my 75 year old dad married in secret and has signed his entire will over to his new wife.

234 replies

Easyroad · 14/04/2019 16:40

My dad is 75 and i am 46. I’m an only child and parents have been separated since i was 18. Dad has been through 3 serious relationships since then plus various dalliances. His current has been going for 12 years and is 73. She moved in about 10 years ago - sharing his house where I grew up and renting out her own house miles away.

in the early days of their relationship I was very very happy he had found her and she was kind and attentive and lovely to be around - and very kind to my two small children. She has no children of her own but has treated her two adult nephews as sons - giving them much love and financial support.

In past 3 years she has grown remote and it has felt almost as if a switch has flipped and our links with her have stopped. this has made life hard - my kids love her and my dad is reluctant to do things without her so we see him less and less despite him being only a mile away. They do see her adult nephews a lot more - neither have kids.

I was always very close to my dad - he is lovely but also quite child-like and always very consumed by his relationships and I have often felt out in the cold until relationships have ended and then our closeness has tended to return.

1 year ago I told him he needed to find legal help to sort out a will - his existing one left everything to me - but I was conscious of his partner’s security - living in his house and being vulnerable. I was trying to do the right thing for her. They did seek advice from a solicitor. Now I'm regretting it!!!

Today my dad asked to meet with me in a cafe and told me 1) they married in secret - they did this to enable him to pass on my inheritance to me without being stung by tax (?but you'll see in a moment this doesn't seem to make any sense - it does benefit her however I think?). They say didn’t want to marry it was just for tax reasons and that i must keep this a secret from everyone - especially my two kids (who would be delighted). 2) they have decided to leave everything i.e. his estate to her - he will have two wills - the second will say she must pass his estate to me when she passes away.

I am confused and unaware of the legal reality of any of this - but my initial feelings are to be hurt. I feel alone with the knowledge that they married as I can’t tell anyone. I am in a spin about the new status of their relationship. I feel left out and sad that I couldn’t be part of this. And I am facing the truth (one I wasn’t aware of till now) which is that I don’t really trust his new wife to respect his intentions regarding his will. Finally I am afraid of what will happen after he dies - will it fall to me to liaise with her about the will? What if she has to release all the equity in order to fund her own care? Her own house will be left to her nephews - will she sell this before she dips into my Father’s estate? Euch.

Is this a mess or am I being a bit of a baby? I know I need to get over this and take a more thoughtful view but for now I cant I feel so upset. AIBU???

OP posts:
Hazlenutpie · 14/04/2019 17:27

I suppose she is not a complete stranger if she has been with him for ten years and is very likely to be doing the lion’s share of the caring if he becomes frail before her

No, what I meant was if he dies first and she remarries and then dies, her new husband could inherit. I hope that makes sense.

Ariela · 14/04/2019 17:27

Do you think it's possible that the will says she has the right to live there till she dies, but it's passing to you?

Littleheart5 · 14/04/2019 17:28

What he needs to do is amend his will (again) and leave his house to her ‘in life estate’. This means that she can have the sole use of the property for the duration of his lifetime but cannot sell it. He then has to stipulate in HIS will that the property passes to you to do with what you please. It’s no good her having you in her will, as it sounds that she may have been doing that to appease your father, and when he goes will make her nephews her sole beneficiaries

AndOutComeTheBoobs · 14/04/2019 17:29

Good point HazelPie. But quite simply, she could leave it to anyone.
As per the example a few posts up.

Hazlenutpie · 14/04/2019 17:30

Surely as an adult he can leave his property etc to whoever the hell he likes?

Of course he can but he will leave behind a very upset family. If it was me I would try and make sure my kids/grandkids did not feel completely sidelined.

thewinkingprawn · 14/04/2019 17:31

My dad is exactly as you describe. Not much you can do about it except come to peace with not getting anything. If you then do it will be a nice bonus. In terms of not telling anyone they are married / I wouldn’t swear that - no one will ask so you won’t have to actively lie. It is crap but you’ll feel worse to get stressed about something that is 100% his decision, whatever is driving that.

Hazlenutpie · 14/04/2019 17:32

Yes either of them could do anything but morally it just doesn't sit right in the scenario outlined by the OP.

IceRebel · 14/04/2019 17:33

Surely as an adult he can leave his property etc to whoever the hell he likes?

Of course he can. but given the father's previous will left everything to his daughter, it's reasonable to assume he wants her to get something when he dies. It's worth the OP pointing out that the way he has done things means there is a very high probability that she will get nothing. If he is ok with that then fine, but he may not actually be aware that that could be a possibility.

Raspberry10 · 14/04/2019 17:33

@AndOutComeTheBoobs I think it’s fine for them to stay in the house, if it’s all legally agreed for how it’s split after the second spouses death, and everyone knows up front.

So my DH’s Grandmother was the remaining spouse when she died. When her DH was still alive they did a Will, staying it was all to be left equally between their joint 6 children. Everyone knew where they stood and there was no messing about.

Problem is when there is a single Will leaving it to the spouse and a verbal ‘agreement’ to then leave it to the kids. You can’t even contest that if it was never written down, and they change it later.

Amanduh · 14/04/2019 17:33

If my dad died I’d expect his estate to go to his partner tbh.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/04/2019 17:33

it really does sounds like either a) she will get everything or b) he is attempting to set up some kind of discretionary trust where her interest is immediate and yours accrues on her death

Since he's mentioned instructions for the assets passing to OP, my money's on the second and that the wife's got a lifetime interest in the property which will revert to OP on the wife's death

Only a specialist can advise properly though - and I doubt DF's lawyer can discuss this with OP without his permission?

TanMateix · 14/04/2019 17:34

I wonder what all the secrecy is about if they have been living like husband and wife for then years...

Drum2018 · 14/04/2019 17:34

I'd seek legal advice

For what purpose should op seek legal advice? Her father can choose to do what he wishes with his estate. If it's a thing that op's father does not understand what he's doing then she could suggest he talk to his solicitor again to ensure he has his will worded correctly. But op cannot have any say in what her father does with his house and money, nor does she have any right to know what is in the will until after he's dead, assuming she's a beneficiary. If she's not a beneficiary then she won't have any right to see it until probate has been granted.

lyralalala · 14/04/2019 17:35

We've got a similar situation - when DH's mum died, she left everything to his stepdad on the condition that he left everything to DH and his sister. The home they lived in was purchased outright with her divorce settlement from DH's father. The house is now worth a small fortune as it has a lot of land with it, but stepdad has already told DH that it's being left to his DC.............

That happened to my DH's cousins. Sister and brother cared for her step-father, basically he was their Dad for almost 20 years. Then they discovered after his death that they had been left £1000 and their late Mum's jewellery and photos. Everything else had been left to their step-brother, who they had never met and who their step-father hadn't seen for over 25 years. To add insult to injury their step-father had named one of them as executor.

BedraggledBlitz · 14/04/2019 17:38

My dad did same with his will. If he dies first his wife inherits it all and then splits between her kids and me and my bro. My sm doesn't speak to me (also for reasons unknown!) and isn't likely to do so.

However I can see why my dad would do this. Otherwise she'd not be able to live in their house alone. I'm not hurt about it once I'd rationalised it.

GabrielleNelson · 14/04/2019 17:39

The OP's stepmother owns another property which she can leave to her nephews if it isn't needed for care costs.

In those circumstances, it does seem particularly harsh for the OP's dad not to leave his own property to his daughter. As others have said, he could leave his wife a life interest in the property, which would entitle her to live there for the rest of her life, but not to sell it. Then on her death it would go to the daughter.

Recipe for disaster to leave something outright to a person you trust to to the right thing. If it really matters to you that the right thing gets done, put it in the will.

If I had a fiver for every time I've read on MN about families where a stepmum or stepdad didn't do the right thing I'd have enough for a decent meal out.

Sparkletastic · 14/04/2019 17:39

I think he wants to leave everything to SM but is too embarrassed to tell you straight so has come up with convoluted story to hide behind.

Bagpuss5 · 14/04/2019 17:41

The DW hardly needs two houses so it would not be unreasonable of the DF to leave his to his DD. However sounds like he has been a bit bamboozled as if he leaves it to his DW she can then do what she wants. It would be nice if she left it to OP but goodness knows if that will happen at early 70s that is a long way off.

Hazlenutpie · 14/04/2019 17:42

We've got a similar situation - when DH's mum died, she left everything to his stepdad on the condition that he left everything to DH and his sister. The home they lived in was purchased outright with her divorce settlement from DH's father. The house is now worth a small fortune as it has a lot of land with it, but stepdad has already told DH that it's being left to his DC

That just seems so wrong. Flowers

Hearhere · 14/04/2019 17:42

I think he wants to leave everything to SM but is too embarrassed to tell you straight so has come up with convoluted story to hide behind
yes, and thereby further insulting your intelligence!

Confusedbeetle · 14/04/2019 17:44

This is sad and I agree with the poster who says you should all have a chat. You cant have 2 wills. When he dies it will all go to her unless he has bequeathed something to you. If he really wanted you to have something he will have written so in his will. That would be what I would ask. I would also tell him that it is up to him if he does not want to leave anything to you but it would be courteous to tell you this. Can you all three meet? Even without the money, this is hurtful. Some parents leave an amount/property to the partner for their lifetime, to be passed on to the children after the second death, If they have just married it may be out of your control. Of course none of us are entitled to an inheritance but this is a hurtful way of doing it and I would say so

DishingOutDone · 14/04/2019 17:46

My DF left his house in a Trust to me and my siblings but gave SM a life interest, so she could live in it as long as she liked, but if she moved/ died we would inherit. We did inherit 20 years later.

This seems entirely normal to me, that's my understanding of how a second spouse would make sure their own DC inherited whilst the surviving partner had a home for life or until he/she decided to move. Of course he can make a will stipulating otherwise. Doesn't seem like the right thing to do, but you know what its like on MN, no parent should EVER leave their child anything.

I think he's weaving a web of half truths OP. At least if you get to the bottom of it you will know where you stand and can come to terms with it. I'd speak to them both openly.

Original poster
Easyroad · 14/04/2019 17:46

Sparkletastic that is harsh but I'm sad to say you might be right. Always been very close to my Dad so this makes me sad.

OP posts:
XXcstatic · 14/04/2019 17:47

I think he wants to leave everything to SM but is too embarrassed to tell you straight so has come up with convoluted story to hide behind

This. Sorry OP- it must be really hurtful Flowers

Hazlenutpie · 14/04/2019 17:47

However I can see why my dad would do this. Otherwise she'd not be able to live in their house alone. I'm not hurt about it once I'd rationalised it

Yes she could. Solicitors are used to dealing with these types of situations. He leaves a will that says she could live in the house for the rest of her life but when she dies his portion of the equity passes to his children.

Swipe left for the next trending thread