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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hurt because my 75 year old dad married in secret and has signed his entire will over to his new wife.

234 replies

Easyroad · 14/04/2019 16:40

My dad is 75 and i am 46. I’m an only child and parents have been separated since i was 18. Dad has been through 3 serious relationships since then plus various dalliances. His current has been going for 12 years and is 73. She moved in about 10 years ago - sharing his house where I grew up and renting out her own house miles away.

in the early days of their relationship I was very very happy he had found her and she was kind and attentive and lovely to be around - and very kind to my two small children. She has no children of her own but has treated her two adult nephews as sons - giving them much love and financial support.

In past 3 years she has grown remote and it has felt almost as if a switch has flipped and our links with her have stopped. this has made life hard - my kids love her and my dad is reluctant to do things without her so we see him less and less despite him being only a mile away. They do see her adult nephews a lot more - neither have kids.

I was always very close to my dad - he is lovely but also quite child-like and always very consumed by his relationships and I have often felt out in the cold until relationships have ended and then our closeness has tended to return.

1 year ago I told him he needed to find legal help to sort out a will - his existing one left everything to me - but I was conscious of his partner’s security - living in his house and being vulnerable. I was trying to do the right thing for her. They did seek advice from a solicitor. Now I'm regretting it!!!

Today my dad asked to meet with me in a cafe and told me 1) they married in secret - they did this to enable him to pass on my inheritance to me without being stung by tax (?but you'll see in a moment this doesn't seem to make any sense - it does benefit her however I think?). They say didn’t want to marry it was just for tax reasons and that i must keep this a secret from everyone - especially my two kids (who would be delighted). 2) they have decided to leave everything i.e. his estate to her - he will have two wills - the second will say she must pass his estate to me when she passes away.

I am confused and unaware of the legal reality of any of this - but my initial feelings are to be hurt. I feel alone with the knowledge that they married as I can’t tell anyone. I am in a spin about the new status of their relationship. I feel left out and sad that I couldn’t be part of this. And I am facing the truth (one I wasn’t aware of till now) which is that I don’t really trust his new wife to respect his intentions regarding his will. Finally I am afraid of what will happen after he dies - will it fall to me to liaise with her about the will? What if she has to release all the equity in order to fund her own care? Her own house will be left to her nephews - will she sell this before she dips into my Father’s estate? Euch.

Is this a mess or am I being a bit of a baby? I know I need to get over this and take a more thoughtful view but for now I cant I feel so upset. AIBU???

OP posts:
Original poster
Easyroad · 14/04/2019 16:59

Pythonesque - will the solicitor be prepare to discuss this with me - isn't it confidential? If this was possible I would find this very useful.

OP posts:
user1474894224 · 14/04/2019 17:01

He should be leaving it/your percentage to you but with a clause in the will that you can't touch it whilst she remains in the house. On her deciding to leave the property or death then the assets can be split as per the will. This is what has happened with my fil will in order to allow his wife to remain there.

GregoryPeckingDuck · 14/04/2019 17:04

Is it possible that he means a will and a trust document? Trying to read this generously but it really does sounds like either a) she will get everything or b) he is attempting to set up some kind of discretionary trust where her interest is immediate and yours accrues on her death (this has been done in the past) but it’s really not possible to say without seeing the documents. I would suggest he seeks legal advice alone.

Soontobe60 · 14/04/2019 17:04

If I were you I would go and see both of them and ask them to explain to you exactly what he meant regarding the wills. I would ask them if they want you to have copies of their wills or to be executors.
TBH, it sounds a bit fishy to me.

Motoko · 14/04/2019 17:04

No. If he died without a will, as he's married, HALF of his estate will go to his wife, (up to a certain amount I think) and the other half, divided between any children. It doesn't all go to his wife.

But, as he has a will, if he leaves everything to his wife, it's then hers to do with as she wishes. If he wants you to have the house, but let her carry on living in it, until she herself dies, then he needs to leave it to you, but give her a lifetime interest in the house.

He can't have 2 wills.

Why does he want to keep the marriage secret? Even if the only reason was for tax purposes, what's wrong with telling people that?

Have you asked him why she's become more distant?

gerispringer · 14/04/2019 17:04

My DF left his house in a Trust to me and my siblings but gave SM a life interest, so she could live in it as long as she liked, but if she moved/ died we would inherit. We did inherit 20 years later.

GregoryPeckingDuck · 14/04/2019 17:04

The solicitor won’t be able to discuss this with anyone who isn’t their client. It’s privileged.

wigglypiggly · 14/04/2019 17:04

He cant have 2 wills, he can leave the house and money to his wife and he can also leave you some money in his will if he wants to. The house will go to her and any joint accounts and stuff he has specifically said will go to his wife and maybe they got married so she doesnt pay inheritance tax.

justlonelystars · 14/04/2019 17:04

The “saving you tax” comment is so that she will get everything as a spousal transfer (0%) and then have high her and his nil rate band to use upon her death so around £700k tax free as opposed to half of that if they weren’t married/everything passed to you upon his death.
As to the second will comment, it could be that his wife has been granted a life estate? E.g. she gets it for the rest of her life but must pass it to you upon her death. She would be unable to change this. If it just a normal transfer to her, she would be able to amend the will to pass the estate onto whoever she wishes.

user1497997754 · 14/04/2019 17:05

It will probably all be eaten up with care home costs so prob nothing left unless they are multi millionaires

AndOutComeTheBoobs · 14/04/2019 17:06

StealthPolarBear yes my very first thought was that she was ill.

But then again, why would marrying one another be caused by that?

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 14/04/2019 17:06

I think that they have opted for a situation that requires me to trust her!!!!

This is exactly what they have done - and not necessarily wrongly, as many stepchildren would either heave their stepmother out in the street before the grave had settled, or be forced through financial circumstances to sell the property later.

All you can really do is have a conversation with your father to make sure he understands that it is quite possible none of his assets will ever be passed on to you and your children. If he is happy with this, or lacks the strength of will to do anything about it, that is essentially his choice.

I would not be one little bit happy about this, and I don't believe anyone who says they would be.

TanMateix · 14/04/2019 17:07

I read somewhere that more and more people in long term relationships are getting married as they realise this will prevent the house needed to be sold due to inheritance tax. Not all houses need to be sold but if they don’t have much it it may need be. So that is not that alarming.

The 2 wills is rubbish. Whoever gets the money can decide who to pass it on or even spend it all before they pass themselves.

Drum2018 · 14/04/2019 17:11

No point stressing over it. It's his choice to do what he wants with his estate. He could leave it to the local cat shelter and there would be little you could do about it. Not sure about having 2 wills. She will probably be left with a life interest in the house and then you'd get it, and as for any cash, she could spend the lot before she dies.

Best case scenario - she dies first.

Raspberry10 · 14/04/2019 17:13

My Nan did exactly this. Will leaving it to her new DH who she’d been with for about 20 years. Married before she died so he could live in the house until he died. He was ‘supposed’ to leave it as per instructions to my Dad and Aunt as Nan has paid for all the house. He left it to his niece’s boyfriend. Nothing we could do about it.

Alwayswithalacrity · 14/04/2019 17:15

Are you sure that they actually got married?

Hazlenutpie · 14/04/2019 17:16

She's his wife of course his money should go to her, if it hasn't all been spent on care home fees

Rubbish. What he should do is leave everything to his daughter with the proviso that his wife can live in the family home until she dies. Otherwise, after he dies she could remarry and the property and money could pass to a complete stranger.

TanMateix · 14/04/2019 17:18

I suppose she is not a complete stranger if she has been with him for ten years and is very likely to be doing the lion’s share of the caring if he becomes frail before her.

Aroundtheworldandback · 14/04/2019 17:21

Of course his wife should inherit she may not be your mother op but she’s his long term wife. What would happen if she needs long term extensive care after he dies? Would you foot the bill? Thought not. So, he’s protecting her. I don’t feel entitled to my parent’s money; it’s theirs.

Jeezoh · 14/04/2019 17:22

I’m not seeing the issue here, he’s in a long term relationship and is leaving all his money to his partner, which is fairly normal is it not? When one of my parents dies, I’d expect the entire estate to go to the surviving spouse.

wigglypiggly · 14/04/2019 17:22

If they are married wont her house and any personal savings automatically go to your dad as her husband. If she has left everything to her nephews then surely he can leave everything to you. I'd seek legal advice. Maybe shes unwell and he doesnt want family to see her like this.

TanMateix · 14/04/2019 17:23

For what is worth, she might be contributing to the costs of maintaining that house in equal measure as the dad, so what if she keeps the house? It is her house too.

AndOutComeTheBoobs · 14/04/2019 17:24

He was ‘supposed’ to leave it as per instructions to my Dad and Aunt as Nan has paid for all the house. He left it to his niece’s boyfriend. Nothing we could do about it.

My mum was talking about wills the other day and said if she died before her husband (not my father) then he had to either 'buy her her out' and give the money to my brothers and I. Or move out and give 50% to us.

My first thought was 'like fuck he will.

He's an arse hole and I don't believe for one second it will be that simple

But arseholes aside, when people remarry are they really expected to move out of their home so they can give the inheritance to their step children?
That feels so very harsh. Your spouse dies then you have to leave your home? Is that a normal occurance?

JaneEyre07 · 14/04/2019 17:26

If he leaves it all to her, what he wants after her death has no legal standing.

We've got a similar situation - when DH's mum died, she left everything to his stepdad on the condition that he left everything to DH and his sister. The home they lived in was purchased outright with her divorce settlement from DH's father. The house is now worth a small fortune as it has a lot of land with it, but stepdad has already told DH that it's being left to his DC.............

Absolutely nothing DH can do about it, he's even seen a solicitor. His mum would be heartbroken.... she trusted his stepdad to do the right thing Sad

PinkHeart5914 · 14/04/2019 17:27

Surely as an adult he can leave his property etc to whoever the hell he likes? So I’m not sure why the you can contest his will comments have been made on here really, Yes it tough OP won’t get his money but he is perfectly entitled to leave it to his wife if he wishes and is of sound mind.

Also she’s lived with him 10 years it’s not like he met her yesterday is it now, that is definitely a long term relationship

Plenty of people also just go off and get married alone, Me and dh did our parents didn’t even know until we got back

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