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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be completely confused by separate finances??

306 replies

Oohgossip · 14/04/2019 13:51

Hard hat donned, ready to be flamed...

I just don’t get separate finances, particularly when you’re married with kids. I know it’s none of my business, and don’t care what others do financially, I’m just flummoxed by the idea of not having joint monies.

It may be the way I was brought up, but honestly in real life I know hardly anyone who DOESN’T have joint finances if you’re married with kids. It wasn’t until I’d been around here for a while that my eyes were opened to this whole other world

‘I had to ask my partner to get the food shop this week as the electricity bill that I pay for was higher than expected’
‘My dh said he’d treat me to a takeaway this week’
‘I can afford an expensive holiday but dh can’t, what should we do?’
‘I’m a sahm and dh gives me an allowance’
‘We split things 75-25 do you think this is reasonable’

Etc etc...baffles the life out of me!!

It seems so confusing...how do people work out who pays for what, who puts what in and takes what out, fractions, percentages etc etc

We put everything we earn in one pot and everything comes out of there. Very simple and straightforward. Unless one of you has an issue with money (ie very bad with it) why wouldn’t you have all things equal in a marriage???

For what it’s worth, dh and I have earned different amounts over the time we’ve been together - sometimes he’s earned substantially more, sometimes me - but not once has either of us questioned what we take out of the pot. We’re a team!

OP posts:
LynnTheseAreSexPeople · 14/04/2019 13:53

I have joint finances but I do know people who maintain separate accounts. On3one case my friend is a big saver and her DH is the opposite of its there he'll spend it. They have joint accounts for joint expenses and their own accounts for personal spending money. They have equal amounts of spending money just is their own accounts.

I don't get couples where one will have loads more to spend than the other.

Nateismine · 14/04/2019 13:54

I completely agree with the OP.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 14/04/2019 13:54

Perhaps people have joint finances for joint purchases and household expenses and separate accounts for their own ‘please myself’ money.

Asdf12345 · 14/04/2019 13:55

For us we split household costs 50:50 but spending money is whatever each of us has left and is generally personal. One has a rather different work ethic to the other and it minimises hard feelings about who is working more.

Processedpea · 14/04/2019 13:55

Yabu Lynn how did you get your name ? Grin

EmrysAtticus · 14/04/2019 13:56

We have a joint savings account and a joint current account which all bills and the food shop come out of. Then what is left is split exactly in half and is transferred into individual accounts and we do with those whatever we fancy. That works best for us, I like maintaining my own account but the money is equal.

HollowTalk · 14/04/2019 13:56

I can't understand separate accounts if you have children together, but I think if you are older and get together in a second marriage I can understand wanting to keep money separate. I'd want to be able to give my children money without asking anyone if that was OK.

Tumbleweed101 · 14/04/2019 13:56

I had joint finances with my ex. He was a spender and I prefer saving. When he left I got stuck with all the debt. If I ever meet anyone I want to live with in the future I will be keeping my finances separate aside for a joint account for household bills.

cocodash · 14/04/2019 13:56

For me it's because DH is so shite with money it's fucking unbelievable and if we had a joint account we would be constantly skint. He's never been good with money since before he met me.

So we figured that it best all bills come out my account and he transfer me money when he gets paid and has a set amount left which he is more than welcome to spend on whatever shite he wants.

All bills, food shop, holidays, savings then go from my account etc etc
If DH is ever stuck after spending the rest of his money on absolute shite I've no problems helping him out.

Isn't ideal but works for us.

PinkiOcelot · 14/04/2019 13:57

We don’t have joint expenses. Fail to see how it’s weird tbh. Each to their own.

Brakebackcyclebot · 14/04/2019 13:57

We both pay into a joint account for joint stuff like food, bills etc. We also have separate sole accounts. It's not confusing!

PurpleDaisies · 14/04/2019 13:57

‘We split things 75-25 do you think this is reasonable’

That can be entirely reasonably if one person earns 75% of the household income. Much fairer than splitting 50:50 in that case.

MrTumbleTumble · 14/04/2019 13:59

We do both. We each keep a bit of personal spending money (the same amount) and then put what's left into our joint account.

Personal spending is normally things like haircuts, individual socialising / hobbies etc but all bills, everything for the house & DC and things we do together comes out of the joint account.

glenthebattleostrich · 14/04/2019 14:00

We have separate finances. We sit down every so often and go through the outgoings and figure out who's paying for what. Savings are split between us. It works for us.

I grew up with parents who almost divorced because of money. Their joint account caused so many arguments it was horrible. We were very poor (needing to be fed by relatives, not knowing if the rent would be paid poor) and I am terrified of that happening again so it's my way of making sure!

DH's parents had a very bad divorce and it's his way of making sure DD and I are always ok.

It works well for us, we never fight about money but have a good open dialogue.

HBStowe · 14/04/2019 14:00

I find it really weird too. If you love someone and share a life with them, why would you see them deprived when you could share what you have with them? I earn more than my husband but literally wouldn’t dream of thinking I have more than him. Everything is ours.

I get that some couples must have their reasons but personally I find it incredibly strange.

Whitechocandraspberry · 14/04/2019 14:00

Separate accounts here too

Ragwort · 14/04/2019 14:00

I agree with you and in over 30 years the one thing we've never argued over is money ........ also don't understand how you can share a bed with someone but not a bank account Grin.

However, DH and I have very similar attitudes towards money, we are both fairly 'careful', we believe in long term savings and investments, we are not materialistic and we don't feel the need to be 100% 'equal' about what we spend on ourselves. DH has never been financially abusive or mentioned the fact that I was not contributing financially towards the household when I was a SAHM. Equally I was very happy to support him when he went self employed.

But there are clearly many couples where their attitudes to money and spending is completely different, to the extent where one partner may run up huge debts etc ......... that would clearly be very difficult......... although I would wonder why such a couple got together in the first place to be honest? When I met my DH we both had our own homes and it was quite clear that we had very similar boring attitudes towards financial matters.

Sorry, I am aware that makes me sound unbearably smug .... there are many areas in our relationship where we are not blissfully happy. Grin.

AlunWynsKnee · 14/04/2019 14:01

We have separate accounts and a joint one for household and shopping.
Works for us as we like it that way. Whoever earns more contributes more to the joint account. We both save but in different ways and we both have feckless exes.

BuzzPeakWankBobbly · 14/04/2019 14:01

In y situation, OP, by the time I meet and am ready to live with/get married to someone else, I will probably own my own home outright and have pretty substantial savings and investments (I'm already well on track).

So if my truly beloved has neither of those things, is it reasonable or fair that I immediately sign up to give him half of all of that? Why? For "love"? I'm not that rose-tinted I'm afraid.

Its different for people who met and married young, and "grew up" together, but that's not how everyone lives, is it.

Sculpin · 14/04/2019 14:06

I agree with you OP, except the bit about hardly knowing anyone who does this except on MN. I know several couples IRL who do this. I find it a bit odd but I guess it's fine as long as it works for both of you.

Banhaha · 14/04/2019 14:07

We have joint accounts and our own seperate accounts. OH has children, so there's that. Also we get the freedom to buy something a bit frivalous without feeling like we are spending the other's hard earned cash. Some of our money is inheritance and our Wills are a bit complicated due to the children so it needs to be easily identifiable which money gets put into which trust etc.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 14/04/2019 14:09

I can understand why so many do it. Makes sense where unequal earnings, one is a bigger spender, non worker, second marriage, ease of buying gifts from own money etc.

I'd never join finances pre marriage, we kept our own accounts and transferred the half share of the bills to a bill account.

SpotlessMind · 14/04/2019 14:11

When I was married we had separate finances - no particular reason other than we never got round to getting a joint account. It worked fine so little incentive to change it - we just worked out the monthly outgoings and H had a standing order to me that covered a portion of the costs. If we went out we just took turns to pay. If we had additional big expenses we just worked it out. It genuinely never caused an issue, no need to find it weird!

cricketballs3 · 14/04/2019 14:12

I'm with you op - never knew that this separation of finances happened until I got sucked into MN!

As with you, DH has earned far more and vice versa but we both get our wages paid into the joint account, all bills and shopping come out of the same account including spending on ourselves which is unfortunate now he's got he the app as I can no longer hide my shoe shopping Grin

If you are sharing a home, life, have DC why is finance such an issue?

I also take issue with the advice often given that women should have a saving pot that is not known by their DH but if a DH has a pot he's being financial abusive

RomanyQueen1 · 14/04/2019 14:12

I'm a sahm but have never been given an allowance, for us this was wrong.
We have separate accounts but all money is joint/family money iyswim.
I manage the business and personal finances, we both pay bills out of our own account.
So I paid the mortgage dh would pay utilities etc.
I'm not sure it matters how you do it as long as it's fair.