To be completely confused by separate finances??

[Oohgossip]

Hard hat donned, ready to be flamed...

I just don’t get separate finances, particularly when you’re married with kids. I know it’s none of my business, and don’t care what others do financially, I’m just flummoxed by the idea of not having joint monies.

It may be the way I was brought up, but honestly in real life I know hardly anyone who DOESN’T have joint finances if you’re married with kids. It wasn’t until I’d been around here for a while that my eyes were opened to this whole other world

‘I had to ask my partner to get the food shop this week as the electricity bill that I pay for was higher than expected’
‘My dh said he’d treat me to a takeaway this week’
‘I can afford an expensive holiday but dh can’t, what should we do?’
‘I’m a sahm and dh gives me an allowance’
‘We split things 75-25 do you think this is reasonable’

Etc etc...baffles the life out of me!!

It seems so confusing...how do people work out who pays for what, who puts what in and takes what out, fractions, percentages etc etc

We put everything we earn in one pot and everything comes out of there. Very simple and straightforward. Unless one of you has an issue with money (ie very bad with it) why wouldn’t you have all things equal in a marriage???

For what it’s worth, dh and I have earned different amounts over the time we’ve been together - sometimes he’s earned substantially more, sometimes me - but not once has either of us questioned what we take out of the pot. We’re a team!

Our finances are largely joint, but no I don't find it weird or confusing that other people might find a different way works better for them.....

We have a joint current account, all bills and joint expenses come out of there, we contribute the same to that, we also both pay in a set amount into savings each month, joint and individual although the individual ones get spent on joint things anyway it's just how we split savings pots for different things (I pay more in because I earn more), we are left with the same amount of spends, this is for bits and pieces socialising with friends, hobbies. It's essentially so I don't cry when I see how much DH spends on comic books. We each pay for our own car insurance, tax, MOT too but have talked about it and it's meaningless because it costs us both the same monthly being a few pence, so we could both contribute the same amount more to the joint account and pay it all from there but can't be bothered changing direct debits etc. Holidays, things for DS the house and so on come from joint accounts. I'm not sure why that's confusing, some financial independence is a good thing.

We have separate accounts because we haven't bothered to set up a joint account, though we probably will at some point. The house is joint but the other savings started as mine so they've stayed in my name and are just drawn on as and when (for house improvement and living costs while I'm on maternity leave). If DH needs extra in his current account because he's bought a lot of stuff then he says so and I transfer money. We talk generally about how much we have, what it's being spent on etc, but we don't get bogged down asking what the other one has spent money on. He bought new bike tires the other day, I've no idea what they cost and wouldn't expect to ask. I went for lunch with friends and got DS an outfit, he wouldn't ask how much I've spent. I did tell him about the larger amount we've given to my sister towards her wedding though and he asked if I thought it was a good idea to spend a few £'00 on replacing something, so I guess we check in for more expensive things. The idea of someone married being "treated" to a takeaway or "subsidised" on holiday feels 50 shades of wrong to me though, that isn't a partnership.

I got married at 52 having been financially independent all my life including bringing up a child on my own. We have a joint account for household expenses and own a house together but there was no way I would just hand everything I had accumulated over to him. We didn't really discuss what to do as it seemed obvious to both of us. We have wills which deal with joint and individual assets. When I wanted to help DD with money to buy a house I didn't have to ask him (or even tell him) because it was my money.

I don't know what my friends do as it's not something I would ever ask.

Married with children that are both yours? Yup.

DP and no children.
Married and you have different R or NR children.

Then separate makes sense.

I agree with you 100% OP. My DH and I have shared finances since we got married, and have both been the higher earner at different points - it all just went into a joint pot and was family money regardless of who earnt what or who spent what. I'm no longer working since I'm close to giving birth. If DH suddenly decided I was getting an "allowance" whilst I take time out of my career to raise our child I would be gobsmacked. I certainly wouldn't be having anymore children with him. We have joint accounts for everything and we talk openly about money. There is no resentment, everything is shared.

I appreciate that we are fortunate that neither of us have additions or poor spending habits which makes this easier. Tbf though I wouldn't have planned a family with someone who was irresponsible with money.

The two married couples I knew who didn't put money in one pot ended up getting divorced. I'm not implying not merging finances means you'll end up separating- but in my friends' cases it was symptomatic of a completely different attitude to money between the couple - money can be a great stressor in a marriage

We are retired without children. We have a household account into which we each pay monthly and it covers all the running expenses of the house and food only. Other than that our money is our own to spend as we want. I wouldn't expect my oh for pay for my petrol for my car for example, likewise he wouldn't expect me to pay for his car servicing. Cars are only one example. Why would I want to pay for his hobbies, or him mine? We have different investments/dividends/pensions, and how we chose to invest or spend it is totally up to the individual. It has nothing to do with trust (and we have total confidence in each other), but everything to do with taking care of our own money as individuals. A lot of costs we split, like 50/50 on holidays.
However, I think because we didn't get together until our forties, and were already property owners individually with pensionable jobs, had a lot of bearing on how we manage things. I suppose we were already settled financially, we're used to managing our own money and didn't need input, advice or financial assistance from each other.
We recently married after 24 years together, but it hasn't changed how we do our finances.

I don't get joint finances either! Dh and I have separate finances, and it is awsome, much more financial independence for me, and no analysing the bank statement each month to the letter.

Me and hubby have a joint account for household costs 50:50 and allowance for food shop. Everything else is ours to do want we want with. Easy for both of us and no arguments over money.

DH and I have never had joint finances, it works absolutely fine.

I've been married twice. I got very badly burned financially by having joint finances in my second marriage. I would never have joint finances again.

We’ve just never got around to it. We don’t watch who spends what, I have no idea what % of bills we both pay and we don’t both have the same left over to spend. If anything is left we put it into the (joint) savings. I earn less so I might take money out of the savings if I need it which has inevitably been put in probably by DH. It works for us so we’ve never altered it.

We’ve always had separate finances. It works for us. We just agree who is paying for which set of bills and periodically check that it’s split fairly. DH is a spender, and we’d be much worse off if he had access to ‘my’ money (I’m a saver). He does occasionally run out of money and I always bail him out. I’ll no doubt be paying off his car loan in September because he won’t have saved enough to do so over the past 3 years despite all his good intentions.

We have Separate and joint. Joint for house, child stuff etc & separate for our own spends.
I don’t want to finance my DH’s expensive hobby which isn’t really of interest to me, & he wouldn’t expect me to either.
I am an individual, in a relationship. We share and support one another as required but require this degree of independence too. We both know we could and would support one another financially if required (e.g. he is considering returning to study and I have said I’m happy to bear the brunt for that investment) and that willing from one another is sufficient in my mind.

Everyone has different views on this for all kinds of reasons - my Mum really needed a ‘running away’ fund & if she’d had money of her own to split with my dad I’d have had a much better childhood....obviously this experience influences my views on the matter.

Me and DH have separate bank accounts with most of the bills in my name. DH pays the internet and mobile bills because he's really good at getting deals on them but I sort the rest and he pays me a contribution each month that is about half. I would love to do joint finances but DHs credit rating is terrible whereas mine is very good. Due to DHs mental health he can spend impulsively and admits that he couldn't be trusted with access to our life savings. This way the core bills get paid and DH is happy because he doesn't have to worry about money. There are legitimate reasons for separate finances. Also DH has a son from a previous relationship who is under 18 and I believe he should be solely responsible for financially keeping him (along with his ex). Obviously when he is here there is extra food, things he likes, Netflix etc that I provide but I feel they should work the rest out for themselves.

We have both - we get paid each into own accounts, then transfer half each of all bills to a joint account we use for mortgage, food, bills, things for kids etc.
I earn quite a bit more than DH so then transfer what I have above him to a savings account and we use this for long term savings and holidays. Works for us.

I'm married with kids and me and my husband have separate accounts, we lived together long before we were married and it has always worked for us doing it that way so we've just stuck with it. Our bills are paid and we both still have separate money. I work part time and my partner works full time and earns a hell of a lot more than me, I wouldn't be happy with dipping into his hard earned wages to get my hair done or to treat myself for example, I like having my separate money to do this with

We have separate accounts. apart from one bill everything is in my name and when set up was easier to give my bank details. And that's the way its stayed, we just share his bank card for the most part. He goes to work so leaves the card for me and if he goes out he takes the card with him. Each payday he puts money in my account and then on days we both need money I just use the spare money in my account. Sounds a lot more confusing than it is. The reason we don't join is his credit rating is disgraceful and he is under debt management, I don't want my name tied to a debt management company

It's really not that complicated or confusing. It's often about retaining ownership of your own disposable income.

I earn twice what my DH earns. So we have a joint account set up, we've worked out how much monthly spend we need for mortgage, bills, childcare, child ISA, holidays etc. I put in 2/3rds and he puts in 1/3.

We then have our separate accounts to do what we like with what we each have left.

If one of us didn't work no doubt we'd do it differently.

Think it’s a good Yorkshire saying, ‘what your’s is mine and what’s mine’s me own.’ We cannot tell what will happen in life so it’s wise to separate finances to ensure several nest eggs build up to ultimately protect yourself and your family in the future.

We have separate finances but a "joint" account that we pay into for mortgage, bills etc. Dh earns considerably more than me at the moment and pays me money for groceries each month. We then help each other out with cash if we need to.

I'm very bad with money and the temptation to spend what's in the joint account would be too much so I just transfer it all in and ask for the card if I need to do a joint transaction etc.

A lot of people at us but it works for our family and neither of us feels hard done by.

Meh, people are different, do what works for you. No reason for everyone to be the same.

If you can only understand one way of doing things best to stick with that one.

we have serrate no mortgage I pay all bills and transfers £250 to dw towards food .Works find couldn't stand have to ask if I could buy something but dw will ask me if ok to buy some thing big (iPad things like that) told her time and time again your money buy what you want nothing to do with me if you can afford it get it .Do suspect if I said no rightly so she'd tell me to fuck off .But say one of us going out needs some cash we don't borrow off each other if she ask for £40 I wouldn't expect it back .

I’m the opposite- I don’t understand joint finances. But that’s because my dad cleared out all the accounts, racked up an extortionate amount of debt and my mum has never really recovered from it. I know that’s quite a rare occurrence but my husband is terrible at managing money so I don’t think a joint account is wise.

We do share our money though. There’s no set system to who pays for things- just whoever happens to have their card to hand. And if one account runs out towards pay day, we use the other one. But it’s all kept in separate accounts.

We’re not like my friend, who was living with her fiancé. I went on holiday with them once and at the end of every day they sat down together to work out who had paid for what and how much one of them needed to repay the other. Down to the penny! That was weird.