To be completely confused by separate finances??

[Oohgossip]

Hard hat donned, ready to be flamed...

I just don’t get separate finances, particularly when you’re married with kids. I know it’s none of my business, and don’t care what others do financially, I’m just flummoxed by the idea of not having joint monies.

It may be the way I was brought up, but honestly in real life I know hardly anyone who DOESN’T have joint finances if you’re married with kids. It wasn’t until I’d been around here for a while that my eyes were opened to this whole other world

‘I had to ask my partner to get the food shop this week as the electricity bill that I pay for was higher than expected’
‘My dh said he’d treat me to a takeaway this week’
‘I can afford an expensive holiday but dh can’t, what should we do?’
‘I’m a sahm and dh gives me an allowance’
‘We split things 75-25 do you think this is reasonable’

Etc etc...baffles the life out of me!!

It seems so confusing...how do people work out who pays for what, who puts what in and takes what out, fractions, percentages etc etc

We put everything we earn in one pot and everything comes out of there. Very simple and straightforward. Unless one of you has an issue with money (ie very bad with it) why wouldn’t you have all things equal in a marriage???

For what it’s worth, dh and I have earned different amounts over the time we’ve been together - sometimes he’s earned substantially more, sometimes me - but not once has either of us questioned what we take out of the pot. We’re a team!

We have sperate finances and always will.

We put a set amount into joint account for all bills then, split childcare 50/50 and rest of our money is our own.

If my dp spent £50 on something, i would feel like i needed to spend £50 to make it fair so we'd never have money.

We each earn our oen money and should be able to spend it on what we want.

So - can I ask those with all money in one ‘pot’ - how do you buy each other surprises?

He deals with the statements so he can spend money on me without me “seeing” it. When Christmas / birthdays are coming up he doesn’t look at the credit card statement until after the event (the full bill is paid by direct debit each month).

I’m 29 😂

DH and I have joint finance, married over 30 years and it's never been a problem.

We have friends who are married with separate finances and joint finances would NEVER work for them. Or rather, it would never work for the wife. Her DH is extremely controlling and she'd never be allowed to spend a pence of her own earnings if he had access to them. They've 'divvied' up expenses on a 'pro rata' basis and what's left over is theirs individually to spend or save.

I don't understand posters saying they find seperate or partitally seperate finances 'odd'. I don't find joint/shared finances households odd, I can see that the same thing doesnt work for everyone, it really is that simple. I don't understand why it is so mystical and pitiful?

It is just different to what works for you and your situation and life. There are many valid, sensible reasons as displayed above as to why it works well for some people. Just as why it wouldn't work for others.

I am genuinely baffled as to why it really gets people on their high horse 'but but but how do you liiive like that! You're supposed to be a family!!'. Well people do, and they are happy families, just like yours. Shock!

Well I'm 38 so not that much 'older' and we have a joint account. I have always found separate accounts when you are planning a lifetime together rather odd to be honest...

Most people I know have joint accounts, and those that don't have strange set ups and resentments brewing that you can see a mile off, especially when one is on maternity leave and their income is depleted.

I have earns more at times, and now I'm part time (for childcare reasons) and my DH earns more, we both dip in the pot whenever we need to as we know neither of us will take the piss.

Have joint long term savings too, as we are planning to retire and do things together so no point one saving and not the other

@pcohle yes, I am goading people with my naïveté, I get thrills from rubbing my ‘sitcom nuclear family’ in other people’s underprivileged faces

Being financially independent is very important to me. I grew up in a very poor household (free school meals, hand me down clothes, no holidays, etc.). Budgeting was absolutely essential. I think this is partly why I’m so good with money. On the other hand, DH comes from a much wealthier background (private school - boarding from 13+, skiing, long haul holidays, etc.). He’s not very good with money because he just assumes it doesn’t run out - that there will always be more somewhere.

I think his motivation for separate finances was to protect himself (as he was wealthier than I was). Fast forward 17 years, and I now earn twice what he does. But we’re both happy with the way we run our finances, so why change? I do sometimes wonder if I’d feel differently if he were the higher earner (especially as he tends to see his salary as ‘his’ money and mine as ‘our’ money). But the chances of that happening are extremely slim.

If one of you earns significantly less than the other, or is a sahp, I see how it might cause issues to have separate finances.

In that case, having separate finances means one person is poorer than the other. In relationships where each partner earns about the same, no one is disadvantaged by having separate finances. I do think it is handy to have a joint account for bills / food etc.

Perhaps the pp who spoken of an older view meant that as fewer married women worked in the past it generally made much more sense to have shared finances?

I am completely confused by people who can't grasp that everybody is different and there are different approaches to all sorts of things.

DH is utterly hopeless with money. Saving is a foreign concept and if we had a joint account we would be skint.

By mutual agreement, all bills and joint expenses come out of my account. DH gives me part of his wages to cover his half of the bills, and whatever he has left he can spend how he likes.

I don't see either way odd tbh, i can see the pros of having joint accounts, but its just not for me. I wouldn't share an account with a parent/sibling/best friend either so its not just with my partner and i "trust" them all. I dont understand the "but we are a team" statement, that has little to do with why people have seperate accounts.

Good post *saynotocarrots’.

We have separate finances because that's what works for us and because I have no interest in what DH spends as long as the bills get paid and vice versa.

Having control over my finances is very important to me and quite frankly I've read enough horror stories on here to never want to have a joint account.

I'm baffled as to why people can't accept that there isn't just one way to organise finances within a relationship. And even more baffled that couples who keep money spare are deemed to be less of a team by some. DH and I have separate accounts, always have. We never discuss money, there's no need. It doesn't matter to us who pays what bill, as long as they are paid. When I earned more than DH, I paid for more, when he earned more, he did the same. He's helped see my DC through uni and I've helped his with various things It's a fluid arrangement and works perfectly. I would hate a joint account.

yes, I am goading people with my naïveté, I get thrills from rubbing my ‘sitcom nuclear family’ in other people’s underprivileged faces

Well you certainly seem to be.

Did the possibility of people having blended families seriously not occur to you when you posted? Did you not think about women in financially controlling or abusive relationships? To be so far removed from issues like those that you're able to totally disregard them does seem fairly privileged.

Ive worked hard for my money and its mine! Pay half the mortage and bills each then whatever is left over is our own. Separate bank accounts and savings.

As long as both of you have a similar attitude to money and you're not hard up, it doesn't matter one bit how you organise your finances, it will work for you. There are many ways of sharing finances apart from one single joint account, I would personally hate that.

Does it really matter what other people do. And yes you do sound smug regarding finances. Sharing a bed has nothing to do with finances. For me I like to have my money so that I can treat my DP without him knowing how much I spend. I also buy a lot of vibrators and wouldn’t want him to know how many😂😂😂😄

I gather from reading replies on here that quite a lot of people have shared credit cards. Is this a thing too? We have our own credit cards with different companies. Along with shared finances, why would one want to share a credit card? As people have said, it can make a problem with surprises. Also, what I chose to spend money on for myself is nothing to do with my oh. I spend on it therefore I am responsible for paying it at the end of the month. I wouldn't want to pay for my oh's spends, or have to discuss (or justify), my personal expenditure.

We have separate accounts.

My husband makes a lot more than me, I spend too much.

I have some stuff to pay off and we're saving for house then we will possibly look at joining.

Doesn't really matter though

For me, having money in one pot harks back to the days when women worked for ‘pin money’ or had a ‘vanity job’ and the man was the breadwinner - not the way I want to live and certainly not agreeable to DH either! When I go to the bar to buy him a drink I want to do that with my money not money from a joint account. Personally.

Why does anyone do anything? - it all comes down to personal choice. We have separate accounts but on a month by month basis we are responsible for the same amount of bills, eg I pay the electricity bill and he pays the telephone bill. We also earn the same amount which helps. We have children together and no one goes without or has to "ask" for anything. It's called being an adult - you have a discussion like a grown up. I don't think it's that difficult to understand.

We have separate accounts simply because I don’t want a joint account, neither does dh.

MY husband is absolutely useless with money, hence different accounts. We have a joint current account, where both our money goes into. Husband has never checked the income and expenditure in this account! Money goes out from this account into our other accounts! He has a separate current account as do I. These accounts are very rarely touched. He has a savings account in his name, that he doesn’t know about . I also have a small savings account, plus I have a hidden away emergency account!
We really don’t have large amounts of money in these accounts, but they are all interest paying accounts and I move money around to ensure that we do get the best interest we can.
As I say, he is useless with money and always has been, whereas I am actually very good with money and because of this we have a house mortgage free.