To be completely confused by separate finances??

[Oohgossip]

Hard hat donned, ready to be flamed...

I just don’t get separate finances, particularly when you’re married with kids. I know it’s none of my business, and don’t care what others do financially, I’m just flummoxed by the idea of not having joint monies.

It may be the way I was brought up, but honestly in real life I know hardly anyone who DOESN’T have joint finances if you’re married with kids. It wasn’t until I’d been around here for a while that my eyes were opened to this whole other world

‘I had to ask my partner to get the food shop this week as the electricity bill that I pay for was higher than expected’
‘My dh said he’d treat me to a takeaway this week’
‘I can afford an expensive holiday but dh can’t, what should we do?’
‘I’m a sahm and dh gives me an allowance’
‘We split things 75-25 do you think this is reasonable’

Etc etc...baffles the life out of me!!

It seems so confusing...how do people work out who pays for what, who puts what in and takes what out, fractions, percentages etc etc

We put everything we earn in one pot and everything comes out of there. Very simple and straightforward. Unless one of you has an issue with money (ie very bad with it) why wouldn’t you have all things equal in a marriage???

For what it’s worth, dh and I have earned different amounts over the time we’ve been together - sometimes he’s earned substantially more, sometimes me - but not once has either of us questioned what we take out of the pot. We’re a team!

You can still be a ‘team’ and work together

It’s not as rigid as people are making out

I’ve kept mine due to years as SE, I’ve grown used to the relative fluid freedom of it

But he’s never closed off his account so it’s never felt difficult

We have DC, not married and have separate finances.Works for us. I don't want to see how much he spends on bet365 and he doesn't want to see how much I spend on shoes. All bills come out of his account and I give him a contribution which means we are left with close to the same amount, me a bit more but I tend to buy DD's clothes and pay for her clubs more. There are no questions if one of us is a bit short though and don't hesitate to help each other. We might combine finances when we get married, but for now I would prefer to keep them separate.

RottnestFerry - I'm always a little fasinated about how couples who only have joint accounts do personal spending, do you not budget for stuff for each other? How do you do saving up for big things that are just for you? Do you have a rough amount you know you can afford to spend on personal stuff? If you wanted to buy something bigger like say a handbag that cost a grand, would you feel you had to discuss it with DH first?

I have been a bit more of a 'fritterer' than DH, I do tend to buy a lot more cheaper clothes and coffees/lunches with friends, whereas he'll spend nothing for ages, then buy a £3k bike or £400 pair of shoes. Over the course of the year, we have roughly the same 'fun money' - but I do wonder if we completely pooled resources, would he find my regular spending on crap annoying and I'd question if we could afford the big purchases. (Or if I frittered too much there wouldn't be the money for the big things he wants !)

I’m starting to wonder (and I could be completely wrong) but are separate accounts more common for those that are financially stable??🤔

But Safiya5 why is any of that different if you happen to have separate accounts though?

DH bought a new bike last month, I hardly spent anything from my salary as didn’t/want or need anything. This month I’ve spent about £500 already on new clothes/bags/shoes because I got excited by the promise of Spring, (still cold though) doesn’t mean it DH would do it. I gave an example a few pages ago which no one replied do that asked what difference does it make after savings etc if my 2k goes into the joint pot or stays in my account? DH doesn’t need or want it.

I completely understand why a SAHP would need joint finances although 2 x14m mat leaves didn’t cause a problem for us & see how it works for others. However I’m confused by the notion that separate means you marriage isn’t strong etc.

@Safiya5 that's a really good point and a perspective I hadn't thought about. Separate accounts can make it easier for financial abuse to happen in that scenario.

Safiya5 - I was a SAHM for a few years with the 3 account model. DH took over putting the full amount we needed in the joint account for bills/food/stuff for the kids/house, then we looked at what was left, set an agreed amount he'd put in the joint savings then he set up a regular transfer to me for half of what was left. It was mine to spend as I pleased, and not just on the DCs.

Actually, this thread has made me think about why I'm so adverse to the full 1 pot approach (even though in practice, we do see both of our wages as family money and budget on that total), I think it's because my dad would query what he would see as unnecessary spending on the joint account (even though they could afford it), it has meant I hate the idea of DH seeing what I spend my money on. Im happy for him to know how much the total comes to, but not the individual decisions.

We have both

A joint account which all our bills etc come out of (mostly covered by DH the last few years due to maternity leave / reduction in hours at work to PT for me).

My PT salary mainly covers the day to day running of things, petrol, food, school things, clubs, birthdays etc. DHs covers mortgage, cars, household bills etc

The remainder of each is in our own individual accounts to spend / save as we see fit. We've always had 'common goals' with regards to money, neither of us squander, we have a focus in mind and save for that (wedding, house move, childrens savings, pensions etc)

When on maternity leave DH just put more into that Joint 'pot' to make it affordable for me to be off work for a year.

We have both joint and separate; joint for bills, food, trips together then separate for our own 'fun money'. Works for us and this is what my DPs did and then later when they separated and got together with new partners (money wasn't the reason why they separated BTW before anyone reads anything into that!) I don't particularly want my DP seeing everything I spend on for myself, it's not his business (especially if I want to buy him a gift!)

Pipo174 - I really think the 3 account model (1 individual and a joint) is the most common, and when people say they have separate finances and joint finances, they often can mean they have 3 accounts - even if they know how much is in each account and have access to other parts.

People vary on what the joint account covers, how they decide how much will be put in the joint account, if the wages go in there first then transfer out individual money or other way round, but often the joint pot + individual budgets separately held is quite normal.

DP seeing everything I spend on for myself, it's not his business (especially if I want to buy him a gift)

If you buy him a gift with cash or your credit card, how will he see?

Separate accounts can make it easier for financial abuse to happen in that scenario.

But that's due to the relationship and the partner you(general you) have rather than the way you manage finances.

And it's just as easy to financially abuse someone with a joint account. All money goes in one pot but one partner makes all decisions. Or they argue for every single thing they deem an unnecessary purchase.

I've known women give all their money to their husbands and then have to ask for x,y,z.

If you're with an abuser they'll find a way.

Regarding the ‘big’ personal spending items surely it comes down to being sensible? We both know what is in our main account and savings account, out of courtesy one of us might say ‘I am going to spend £1k on a bike next month’ or just check that you aren’t going into an overdraft situation, but it’s not a case of ‘asking permission’ or the feeling, which I have seen frequently, that if one of you spends £1k on something ‘personal’ then the other should immediately have £1k for themselves.

I had a friend who would match her DH’s personal spending £ for £ even if she didn’t want anything, justifying it to herself that ‘he spent £100 on a jacket so I am going to spend £100 on new clothes’ . They are divorced now.

DH thought of it as “his” money.

Separate accounts doesn't mean we think of it as his money and my money. We both use the money for the family and the house and ourselves.
When I was a SAHM I had full access(still do ) to his bank account. If I needed anything extra I would just transfer money as and when needed. Didn't even have to ask and he never questioned a thing.

3 months ago when his car died in the middle of London,I didn't just go "oh well your car,your money sort it out". I transferred him money from my savings to sort out recovery ,transport of the dead car and a cheap run around if he could sort it.

Atm I'm saving to pay off some of his debts. I wouldn't be able to do that if the money all went in one pot. His overdraft yesterday was more than my wages in a month. It works.

Most people I know have a similar set up to us, a joint and separate accounts. I don't really want my DH to see my day to day spending tbh. Nothing to hide its just none of his business if I feel like blowing some cash on clothes or sushi or whatever from my own play money. We each pay a fair amount into joint and all bills and everything for both of us or the kids comes from there.

How would I have managed in my non earning years with separate finances

Probably exactly as we did. Whoever has more just pays for more. All this we are a team stuff always comes up on MN when joint/individual bank accounts are discussed. People who pool everything seen to be incapable of understanding that having individual accounts works for many couples. There's often the insinuation that those of us who do this are less of a couple, less happy, are being financially abused or whatever. It's mystifying really.

We don’t have joint expenses. Fail to see how it’s weird tbh. Each to their own.

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I don't see why people get so bothered by how other people work there relationships.

I think, by the sound of it, some people have separate accounts more as a way of budgeting or keeping track of where money goes, but they still essentially think of it all as ultimately “family money”, even though it’s divied up into different accounts. I can understand this. It probably all goes the same way at the end if the day.

I think what people struggle with is the situations described in MN where one person has loads more disposable income than the other because they earn more. That sounds horrendous to me and abusive. Take my situation where DH probably earns about ten times what I wouid be earning if I was working. It would be a recipe for disaster and I just couldn’t be married to a man who thought it was ok for his wife to be some kind of second class citizen within the marriage because her earning potential was lesser.

Or sometimes you hear of married women who seem to think it’s fsir enough that they have to fund their own maternity leave via their savings, etc. Or live on less than the DH while they’re on maternity! What is the actual point of the husband at all? Did he have no part in bringing the child into the world?

Also the cases where married couples split restaurant bills, etc. How do you work out who pays for the DC? I couldn’t be bothered with this for one second.

@Safiya5 yeah agree with that. The point is I guess not all separate finances are abusive but probably most financial abuse involves separate finances?

My DH and I have separate finances, kind of, obviously we're married so our money is money too, I mean we both have our own accounts, we do have a joint account but we never really used it, we just kind of worked along fine keeping our own accounts, it's never been an issue, we both earn similar amounts which probably is a reason why it's never actually been an issue, neither of us would be bothered if the other wanted to join everything either though, it's just never been a big deal

probably most financial abuse involves separate finances?

A financially abusive person can, and often does, empty a joint account. I've seen advice on here to empty the joint account when one party wants to leave. A financial abuser will always find a way.

RottnestFerry - I'm always a little fasinated about how couples who only have joint accounts do personal spending, do you not budget for stuff for each other? How do you do saving up for big things that are just for you? Do you have a rough amount you know you can afford to spend on personal stuff? If you wanted to buy something bigger like say a handbag that cost a grand, would you feel you had to discuss it with DH first?

We actually have separate accounts ( plus a rarely used joint one). Despite that, we do discuss large purchases whether they be personal, joint or essential. I recently bought myself an expensive rifle (I'm a bloke) and that was discussed first. More by way of conversation than anything else, although if I'd picked up negative vibes, I may have reconsidered. My wife rarely makes expensive personal purchases, she does make a lot of smaller purchases though. She likes some designer stuff but buys the secondhand at a fraction of the new price.

Every so often we sit down and work out how much collective money we have and where best to put it. This may mean transferring large amounts of cash from my savings pots to hers, or vice versa.

A financially abusive person can, and often does, empty a joint account. I've seen advice on here to empty the joint account when one party wants to leave. A financial abuser will always find a way.

I suppose so yeah. So I think if people take "issue" with how other couples work their finances then it should just be financially abusive relationships, otherwise you're just being a judgemental nosy parker who thinks only one way can work for everyone in the world

@RottnestFerry sounds like a similar set up to me and my DH, works great for us, always has

yabu, it's not confusing in the slightest.

DH and I have a joint account for bills and food shopping, it also covers days out with the kids and nights out for us. We put in the same each month and if it runs low we both top it up.

People seem to think if you have seperate finances one is always asking the other for money, not like that at all. Other than our joint account we have our own accounts. I have a lot of debt from before DH so I focus on paying that with what I have left over, I also use that for anything I want to buy for myself, clothes, makeup, hair cuts etc. DH does the same.

Really not difficult to understand.

One of my friends used to work for a debt management company and she said it was very common for one partner to drain the joint account when they left the relationship (often without trace), happened a lot.

This thread reminds me of how bloody often I find myself thinking 'why can so many people not understand that not everyone is the same as them nor does things the same way as them?'

It really is real - so many totally blinkered people, almost irritated by someone doing something different to them. What is there to understand and why are you even thinking about how other families keep their money? Most of those who can't 'understand' it also have a hilarious tone to their posts, many do clearly view others as lesser weird space aliens and less of a 'true' family unit, thats the bare bones of it. A weird shared bank account superiority. Its really funny to read!