To be completely confused by separate finances??

[Oohgossip]

Hard hat donned, ready to be flamed...

I just don’t get separate finances, particularly when you’re married with kids. I know it’s none of my business, and don’t care what others do financially, I’m just flummoxed by the idea of not having joint monies.

It may be the way I was brought up, but honestly in real life I know hardly anyone who DOESN’T have joint finances if you’re married with kids. It wasn’t until I’d been around here for a while that my eyes were opened to this whole other world

‘I had to ask my partner to get the food shop this week as the electricity bill that I pay for was higher than expected’
‘My dh said he’d treat me to a takeaway this week’
‘I can afford an expensive holiday but dh can’t, what should we do?’
‘I’m a sahm and dh gives me an allowance’
‘We split things 75-25 do you think this is reasonable’

Etc etc...baffles the life out of me!!

It seems so confusing...how do people work out who pays for what, who puts what in and takes what out, fractions, percentages etc etc

We put everything we earn in one pot and everything comes out of there. Very simple and straightforward. Unless one of you has an issue with money (ie very bad with it) why wouldn’t you have all things equal in a marriage???

For what it’s worth, dh and I have earned different amounts over the time we’ve been together - sometimes he’s earned substantially more, sometimes me - but not once has either of us questioned what we take out of the pot. We’re a team!

@LumpyPillow, yeah exactly. Why does it bother people? I was on a thread on another forum one time talking about this and someone actually said that me and my DH must be more like housemates instead of a married couple if we don't have joint finances. So rude and personal about a relationship she knew nothing about. Luckily I'm secure enough in my relationship not to let it get too much under my skin but I won't say the it didn't bother me that someone would get that offensive or belittling by how another couple chooses to work their money. It's odd.

Great thankyou. See you at 1pm

@Safiya5
I wouldn't feel guilty about spending on these things but I feel it would be unfair. I have relatively expensive tastes in things, compared to dh, that I wouldn't expect him to 'fund' or substitute. Same as if he had an expensive hobby I wouldn't expect me to pay for this.

We have always had separate accounts. I don't know hie you keep track of spending with joint accounts. How do you buy a suprise for the other if they can see every transaction too?
I really wouldn't like a joint account

Sorry about above - not sure how I managed to text on MN

Mummyshark - I see what you’re saying, but surely if you have expensive tastes, it’s all the same whether it comes out of separate accounts or a joint - in the sense that its money that will not be otherwise spent in the DC or the family? Ultimately it’s your call and your judgement. The same money is spent whether he knows about it or not. Why would he care what you spend on, unless you’re a total spendaholic? For instance, I spent a fair bit on Botox the other day and I told DH, He has no idea what the point of such things are, but he accepts it’s something I think I need, just as I accept his random bike stuff is important to him. I don’t need to understand why.

Sometimes it’s hard to distinguish “personal spending” from household anyway. For instance, we’ve just renovated and refurbished a house and I’ve done 99% of supervising the building work and deciding on furniture - now maybe the furniture was more expensive than stuff DH would have chosen as he had no interest in interiors, but I wouid still count it as household spending. I tend to buy a lot of clothes for DH as he doesn’t have time, so how would I do that out of “personal money”. Just as I buy nearly all the kids clothes and other items. If I wanted to but something that was a bit OTT, I would probably run it by him first, but over the years, you just kind of get into a mutual groove about spending patterns, I guess. It doesn’t really matter who spends the most, as long as the other person doesn’t feel restricted by it.

As for gifts, well if I bought DH a particular watch or something and he was really bothered to know how much I’d spent, he would just google it, rather than trawling bank statements, so no difference really.

I read this thread yesterday but couldn’t articulate my response well enough. There are women in this post (although the OPs own horrific story is different) who have been through hell trying to separate their finances from their abusive exes. That’s reason enough for me for any woman to keep her finances separate.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3532838-to-ask-what-to-do-now-The-bank-have-given-my-details-to-abusive-ex?pg=1&order=