To be completely confused by separate finances??

[Oohgossip]

Hard hat donned, ready to be flamed...

I just don’t get separate finances, particularly when you’re married with kids. I know it’s none of my business, and don’t care what others do financially, I’m just flummoxed by the idea of not having joint monies.

It may be the way I was brought up, but honestly in real life I know hardly anyone who DOESN’T have joint finances if you’re married with kids. It wasn’t until I’d been around here for a while that my eyes were opened to this whole other world

‘I had to ask my partner to get the food shop this week as the electricity bill that I pay for was higher than expected’
‘My dh said he’d treat me to a takeaway this week’
‘I can afford an expensive holiday but dh can’t, what should we do?’
‘I’m a sahm and dh gives me an allowance’
‘We split things 75-25 do you think this is reasonable’

Etc etc...baffles the life out of me!!

It seems so confusing...how do people work out who pays for what, who puts what in and takes what out, fractions, percentages etc etc

We put everything we earn in one pot and everything comes out of there. Very simple and straightforward. Unless one of you has an issue with money (ie very bad with it) why wouldn’t you have all things equal in a marriage???

For what it’s worth, dh and I have earned different amounts over the time we’ve been together - sometimes he’s earned substantially more, sometimes me - but not once has either of us questioned what we take out of the pot. We’re a team!

So my parents married in 1959 and always had separate bank accounts. They had very different approaches to money with my dad being much more careful than my mum. They split bills between them with my dad paying all the big bills ( mortgage, utilities etc) and gave mum food shopping money as he earned considerably more. My mum paid smaller bills and the 'luxuries' my dad didn't seem necessary ( washing machine, freezer, TV rental). It worked for them and i think it would have caused way too many arguments if they'd tried to combine finances. They were married for over 50 years until my dad died. It seems totally normal to me to have split finances as that is what I grew up with.

Both me and OH have been bought up in households of fully combined finances and I agree with OP, it makes full sense when you live together with joint responsibilities.

However OH and I do have separate accounts, all of our wages go into one account for all of the bills etc and then x amount comes out into a separate account each for gift, treat buying etc, this stems from me being a very nosey person and liking to know where money is being spent. So it allows him to be able to buy presents for me and me not know where or what he has got 😂

‘We split things 75-25 do you think this is reasonable’

That can be entirely reasonably if one person earns 75% of the household income. Much fairer than splitting 50:50 in that case.

How would that be 'fair' if the person earning 25% of the household income does the bulk of the childcare/household chores/downsized hours or career for the benefit of the family, either by choice or necessity?

You're either all in it together or you're not...

For me it's a security thing.

We have a joint savings that we both contribute to as and when we can, no fixed arrangements.

We then have separate bank accounts that our wages etc are paid into. I transfer half to my husband for my half of the bills (we just split all bills 50/50, none of this percentage of earnings stuff)

We thne spend the rest as we like. We'll take turns doing the food shop and turns paying out for dinner.

I don't want all of our money joint as it means one of us can easily clean it out if something goes wrong leaving the other with nothing. I also like having my own money that's mine to do with as I please. I don't have to go to my husband to ask if it's okay.

We have separate finances. My DH earns 7 times more than I do! I’m part time minimum wage and he is full time high earner. My two children live with us full time (no contact with their father) My husband pays all of the household bills, I pay for all the food shopping, petrol and anything the children need and then DH gives me money if I run out before payday which I frequently do

I don't think it matters either way. What matters is transparency, honesty and communication. If nobody is being abused or taken advantage of, then the best system is the one which makes both partners feel most at ease with.

What I'm "completely confused" by is the number of ways that some people find to judge other people's relationships.

Second marriage here...no dcs from it. We have separate finances and it works well for us.

I agree OP. So what if one partner earns more? Maybe that's because someone (the woman...) has taken a break to look after the kids. Or one is part time, to look after the kids, or for health reasons, or whatever. Or one works in a lucrative field while their partner works harder but in something less well paid. Does the well paid one go on holidays alone, as the other one can't afford it? Do they have a big savings pot while the other has nothing?

I knew a couple, unmarried but with kids together - she had to fund her maternity leave, he didn't contribute. Some time later he was unemployed and this time she didn't contribute to his expenses. The guy justified this arrangement by saying they weren't married.

Just seems bizarre to me.

We each get paid into our own accounts. Then we put a set amount into a joint account which covers mortgage, bills, holidays and sometimes meals out, and other bits and bobs.

This has worked really well for us for 20:years and we never argue about money. Almost all couples I know do this. I can’t imagine having no independence over my own finances.

I agree op. If you divorced it’s all on the table anyway irrelevant in whose “name” anything is. Seems a petty mistrustful way to live a life. Once married what’s his is mine and vice versa

I'm completely in agreement with you OP. I accept if it's a second marriage or something where one person in a couple is poor at financial management then things may be different but otherwise as a couple with a house, a family etc then your past the point of "my money and your money" it's all a joint enterprise with one family pot, whoever puts it in and what amount is irrelevant as it benefits all of you.
I too thought that was how most families operated but upon reading posts on here, it's more like doing spreadsheets on who is entitled to spend what down to the nearest percent for some.

agree with you and in over 30 years the one thing we've never argued over is money ........ also don't understand how you can share a bed with someone but not a bank account grin

I don't even share a bed with mine or have joint bank accounts.

At the end of it all its piss all to do with anyone else and I would hazard a guess, those who think it's weird hasn't been stung badly by an ex. How many times have we read on here about joint accounts being emptied and woman being left destitute?

We have always had separate and joint accounts. When my DC were small I was a childminder and that was considered my money. DH paid all the bills, holidays and transferred a set amount to me each month for food and anything else I needed. We had a joint credit card which I used for the DC toys, clothes and for family presents.

.He would ask quite often if I had enough and never queried any spending on the Credit Card. He paid that bill too, I think it helps if you have similar outlook to money, but I never thought of it as an allowance.

I like having my own money. I find completely joint finances very odd. Do you have to query what each of you can spend money on? What happens if you want to buy something expensive for yourself? Do you just do it?

Myself and DP have separate finances. We aren't married but have a child and live together for years now. All bills split 50/50. I can't see it would change if we did get married.

DP is happy because he earns a bit more and has a larger lump sum to start with.
I'm happy because he spends money like it's going out of fashion and I'd be constantly worried we'd run out before payday. He's not deliberately buying a load of shit for himself, he's just silly with decisions. Like he wouldn't stock up on nappies at £2 a pack in the main shop, he'd go to the local tiny shop and pay £8 for the same thing. Forget to cancel subscriptions etc.

It works best for us, I don't want to be his mother watching his spending. He pays his half of the bills and them he can do what he wants haha.

Completely agree OP! “My DH bought me a dress”

Umm, married people are still individuals with their own wants and needs.

We have a joint A/C for bills and for the kids but we both have our own bank accounts with our own money. It’s also none of the others business what we spend that money on.

No way in hell would either of us agree to throw all of our money in one pot

I don't understand why people are so rigid over finances, personally.

We have generally separate finances. I tend to pay the bills. DH pays for a medium size debt, food shop and incidentals. His expenses are weirdly the same as mine as he has all of his uni expenses. Lots of petrol money,.books, medical equipment, etc. So while it looks unfair it's mostly pretty even. If I ever run short I just put it on the credit card for DH to pay

Me and DH have separate bank accounts because he’s shite with money. If we had a joint account he’d have everything his heart desired on payday, I’d have nowt, we’d be living on beans on toast for the month and I doubt the bills would get paid. He was never taught to budget by his parents who gave him what he wanted when he wanted it. He is naturally quite impulsive and would far rather spend than save, whereas I’m a saver and far more cautious. His way with money just isn’t a feasible way to live with a wife and child, so his pay goes into my account, bills, savings and household expenses come out, and what is left is halved. He gets his when he asks for it (usually in small amounts at his request so he doesn’t get carried away and blow it all). He has bad credit from mistakes in his younger days and I have no desire to be financially linked to him. Even the mortgage is just in my name.

He’s got so much better with money and we could probably have joint accounts now, but why change what is working for us? We spend our own money on whatever we want with no having to check with the other partner. If we shared money there would always be a degree of unfairness - DH spends far more on a night out than I do for example, and I would resent seeing my months spends dwindle like that. Our way means we just have our own money with us when we are out (obviously we’ll buy each other a drink at the bar etc, take turns paying, but when he goes for his second drink when I’ve barely made a dent in my first he goes to the bar himself) and I don’t have to get wound up at how much he’s spending.

I’m sure there are plenty of people who think our way of doing things is weird, but they aren’t in our (very happy) marriage and don’t have all the facts. We really don’t care! I think it’s odd when couples have completely joint finances - I can’t inagine how one person doesn’t feel resentful of the other’s spending at least now and then. But I’m not in their relationships either so what do I know?

We have a joint account for household bills, Christmas, birthdays etc. D puts in more as he earns much more than me. DP will pay for holidays and I’ll cover holiday spending money. We have our own personal / business accounts as we are both partially self employed and the tax side of things is much easier to handle that way.
I think it’s fair enough to have separate or joint finances - which suits the family best. Have to be able to talk about money- but some families do seem to have an issue with that sadly.

We've been married over 30 years and have separate bank accounts. It seems to work for us. I don't get what you don't get,OP. Different things suit different people'. Tisn't difficult!

For full disclosure,. we're married with kids. But the house was mine first (although we now both own it) so the bills have just remained in my.name

Iv had a bills account with my dh since we started living together. Didn’t really have joint finances until he changed jobs and while retaining earned significantly less than me so seemed faired to combine accounts. I hate it to be honest. I knew what would come in and out and of my account and what bills where due and when. Now someone else can access the money it’s harder to keep track. My dh is more keep spending until computer says no, I’m anally check each penny. So it’s tough and I would rather have two accounts where we both pay split equal bills. However like I said it would mean him having significantly less money which is a bit shit as we are a unit.

I’m more than happy with separate finances- tbh wherever joint or separate it appears from mn the issues re: money stem from the people not the set up.
Me and my OH are just adult about things- holidays we split, when we were expecting our DD I bought the nursery furniture he bought the buggy/ travel system, worked out to about the same.

Shared finances with any of my exes would have meant the rent, gas and electric not being paid in favour of essentials such as;

A new car paid for with a cash advance on a credit card.
Covering the non work related purchases of clothes, shoes, gym membership and meals out made on the work Amex because it was pay it or get fired & reported to the police.
A new crash helmet because the old one wasn't as cool looking as the one a random bloke was wearing as he waited at a set of traffic lights.
55 organic chicken breasts because buying a whole chicken and portioning it up was 'what poor people did' and 'anything except breastmeat is disgusting and unhealthy'.
A holiday where all meals were eaten out, including breakfast, when any holiday was unaffordable in the first place.
A fucking dog.
Redecorating.
A new TV because the old one wasn't as new as the one a friend had.
New wheels for the new car because the old ones weren't low profile whatever the fuck that meant

• and so on.

I wasn't taking on his credit rating or his approach to paying rent and bills, so finances were strictly separate. And that meant I refused to buy a house with him, despite angry demands to do so and being dragged around looking at shitty houses in shitty places with no jobs because he didn't earn enough to get a mortgage on his own. Which worked out for the best once he moved on to the first woman he could persuade to sign over half her house to him left, as he would have quite happily made me and DCs homeless to fund his future lifestyle.

I would only expect to share finances if I were to be married. Then it would be everything in the pot to cover the bills and if either of us wanted to maintain separate accounts for safety/saving, go for it.

I used to think this until I split with my ex and had to pay off nearly 40k debt he’d racked up. I will never merge finances again with anyone. Possibly a joint account for direct debits only but no cash card if I ever did live with someone in future which is doubtful.