To be completely confused by separate finances??

[Oohgossip]

Hard hat donned, ready to be flamed...

I just don’t get separate finances, particularly when you’re married with kids. I know it’s none of my business, and don’t care what others do financially, I’m just flummoxed by the idea of not having joint monies.

It may be the way I was brought up, but honestly in real life I know hardly anyone who DOESN’T have joint finances if you’re married with kids. It wasn’t until I’d been around here for a while that my eyes were opened to this whole other world

‘I had to ask my partner to get the food shop this week as the electricity bill that I pay for was higher than expected’
‘My dh said he’d treat me to a takeaway this week’
‘I can afford an expensive holiday but dh can’t, what should we do?’
‘I’m a sahm and dh gives me an allowance’
‘We split things 75-25 do you think this is reasonable’

Etc etc...baffles the life out of me!!

It seems so confusing...how do people work out who pays for what, who puts what in and takes what out, fractions, percentages etc etc

We put everything we earn in one pot and everything comes out of there. Very simple and straightforward. Unless one of you has an issue with money (ie very bad with it) why wouldn’t you have all things equal in a marriage???

For what it’s worth, dh and I have earned different amounts over the time we’ve been together - sometimes he’s earned substantially more, sometimes me - but not once has either of us questioned what we take out of the pot. We’re a team!

I don’t understand how the separate thing works with your children? They are the responsibility of both of you, what if one steps back career wise are they then the poor one despite proving free childcare for the working one? Terribly unfair. I get it kind of if not married, no kids, or kids from previous relationship but the standard married kids together would seem so odd I struggle to believe anyone does. No one I know in this position runs separate finances

Our finances are completely separate. We have our own accounts and our own money. He pays some bills, I pay others. Neither of us has a clue what’s in the other’s accounts. I’d never heard of “family money” before MN. We certainly don’t have any.

YANBU OP and I also never realised this happened until I came in MN. How can you marry someone if you don’t trust them enough to share finances? I just don’t get it at all. How can you share children with someone, but not your bank balance?

We’ve just never got around to it. We don’t watch who spends what, I have no idea what % of bills we both pay and we don’t both have the same left over to spend. If anything is left we put it into the (joint) savings. I earn less so I might take money out of the savings if I need it which has inevitably been put in probably by DH. It works for us so we’ve never altered it.

This. I don't want to ask permission if I want to buy a new leather jacket or a pair of Dr Martens when I already have three. DH earns a bit more so pays for more bills than I do and almost everything at the moment as I'm on mat leave. We jointly save what we can to pay for holidays and emergencies.

Separate bank accounts here.

We both met later in life, owned our own properties etc.

Have joint mortgage, and joint acc for house stuff everything else is separate.

We just pay for stuff as we earn. I.e. I pay school lunches, he pays kids activities.. I pay supermarket, he pays petrol... we dont calculate. it just works out. If I can afford it I will pay, if he can, he does.

No big deal and we never argue about money.

YABNU. I couldn't bear to live like that.

I have also noticed on every thread like these there is often an underlying whiff of "we share everything because/which means our relationship is stronger than yours [who don't]"

I love separate bank accounts, more financial independence. Dh pays the bills as I am a STAHM, give me money each month, and CB and the kids DLA and dd carers allowance gets paid into my account each month. I used to be a bit a of a spender and dh has been anxious about it, but I am on the straight and narrow now. I am flumoxed about how women are supposed to be independent of men on here, yet get into a pickle because couples have separate finances, very odd.

Basically having separate accounts does not necessarily equal paying 50/50.

I don’t get it when you have kids. I have a friend who’s hubby earns £100k plus. She is on 30. They have a kid. He keeps a tally of what she owes him. They split all bills 50 50
And he expects half of everything. Example being they went out for coffee and cake and he asked her for £4. He often says he will pay for events or holidays then at a later date demands the money from her. He has a huge flash car and is always out. She buys all presents for child from her own account. He told her that’s what SHE wants to buy so it should come from her money. When she was on mat leave she had to borrow from her mum and he still wanted all bills 50/50. To me this makes no sense at all once you are a family.

I agree Buzz, it it smacks as though we are united, we are one, and there must be something wrong with your relationship if you have separate finances. Seems smug to me.

brightey wow that is financially abusive, your poor friend .

I agree op it's much simpler and easier for me anyway . I honestly have never had a argument regarding money with my dh . We live within our means all big purchases are discussed and agreed.
Neither of us are big spenders , I keep a eye on the finances more than dh and he leaves me to sort credit card bill or pay holidays but it all comes out of the same bank account that everything is paid into .
My mil has a different way when her dc were growing up and she was a sahm they had joint bank account but when she went back to work when dc were older they had separate bank accounts. But they argue a lot over money like when they wanted a big purchase she wanted 1/2 from him and he didn't want to .

@brighteyeowl17 - I hope even the most ardent of separate finance couples would think your example was badly wrong. What a nasty man.

If you're completely on the same page financially, joint finances are the default best model. But I see so many people who aren't and it would be an absolute liability for one of the partners.

I think what's more important is having the ability to talk about money without it dissolving into arguments or resentment.

Like a pp I watched my dad spend all the family money on himself and leave his family without enough food to eat, he even stole money from me that I earned from my holiday job at 14. So I don’t trust any man when it comes to money. I’ve lived with two men in my life, one I married, one I didn’t. But I was always in charge of finances, with them giving me a set amount each month (the amount decided by me). With my ExH I was in charge of the savings account too. I know it’s my “issue” but I have a major fear of being “ripped off” and I just couldn’t risk it.

You're right it is none of your business.

Posters bang on about their marvellous completely join finances, total transparency etc etc but then are baffled on the relationships board by women who end up in financially controlling relationships or can't leave an abusive partner.

People have complicated family set ups, with blended families, separate households and so on.

By all means share finances if it works for you. It's certainly what works best for my family. But this "I'm so flummoxed, baffled, confused by it all" just makes you sound hopelessly naive and very privileged.

We have separate accounts, married 3 years, together for 10 years and have two kids. All the main bills (rent, council tax, water, gas, electric, car insurance etc) come out of DH's account as he earns a lot more than me, my wages go into my account and I pay for broadband, virgin, mobile contracts, car tax, weekly food shopping, fuel for each of our cars, my gym membership, and anything left over is our disposable money and we both use it, I don't know why we don't have a joint account, but this works for us.

How would that be 'fair' if the person earning 25% of the household income does the bulk of the childcare/household chores/downsized hours or career for the benefit of the family, either by choice or necessity?

I don’t understand your point. The person earning more would pay proportionally more towards the bills. That’s much fairer than 50:50 if one partner earns a lot more.

From day one of living together, my husband and I have shared living and socializing expenses - an equal, fat chunk of our salaries into the same pot for everything from rent to pub lunches.

We've never felt the compunction to take it further though. When we have kids, a larger proportion will go in, but that's it.

I am always baffled by the "he pays XYZ bill, I pay ABC bills" - now THAT to me seems so much more complicated than having a joint account for bills.

My husband and I are fully joint by the way. I can still understand that some couples prefer to do it differently.

Thanks for the responses!

Pleased to see I’m not totally alone 😜

I think some posters missed the part of my op where I said separate finances make sense if one of the couple is terrible with money.

I suppose I was coming at it more from the angle of first marriages from young, come to think of it, rather than second marriages/step families etc. Point taken somewhat.

And no, I’ve never been burned, I can see why that would change my viewpoint!!

@purpledaisiea your post is one I feel compelled to respond to.

Why would it not be fair to split things 50/50 if one earned more than the other?

Should I have had less spending money than my dh when I was on mat leave with OUR children?

Should my dh have had more money to himself when he got promoted - a job he was only able to get with my help and support (a different thread entirely)?

@purpledaisies rather, damn iPhone

It's not complicated paying different bills. You just put in one or the other direct debit details. Job done. The electricity comes out of DH's account, the life assurance out of mine, etc.