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AIBU?

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Original poster

Taking it slow or taking the piss

313 replies

Greekcheese · 11/04/2019 17:45

Boyfriend of nine months . Great bloke. Crazy about him . Started off meeting once a fortnight or theee weeks with plenty of text contact . Now up to once a week with an overnight stay. He wants to take it very slow. My friends say he is taking the piss . We are both 30. Him a home owner me a renter . No holidays ever. One weekend away . He has lots going on in his life. Mine is not as busy. He says he loves me but needs to take it slow. I have a history of being a mug for men. Staying in unhealthy relationships . Compromising and sacrificing to please them . I don’t want to fall Into this trap again. He loves the way it’s going. SAYs he feels valued and loved .Thanks

OP posts:
barryfromclareisfit · 11/04/2019 17:56

I think he has a wife or live-in.

Hiddenaspie1973 · 11/04/2019 17:57

Yep.

badlydrawnperson · 11/04/2019 17:58

I thought this was another brexit thread

Original poster
Greekcheese · 11/04/2019 17:59

No wife. No live on. Shares with friends

OP posts:
bsc · 11/04/2019 18:03

So he wants a relationship that's not full on? But you want to see him more often? You need to talk to him about this- if you want different things it isn't going to last, sorry.

LordNibbler · 11/04/2019 18:05

Sounds more like a FWB relationship, he just hasn't told you.

Original poster
Greekcheese · 11/04/2019 18:05

Yes I’d like more but I’m not willing to give up yet as we have progressed somewhat and he says he loves me and sees a future

OP posts:
Imadehimlikethat · 11/04/2019 18:07

Well he isn't taking the piss because he's been quite clear that he wants it slow, it is slow, and he's happy.

However you don't have to stay with him if you want different things.

Talk to him about where it's going, what you want now and in the future. Do you want to get married and have kids? Have you met each others families? What has he said when you've suggested holidays, trips away, increasing contact?

LordPickle · 11/04/2019 18:09

The thing is, if he was into you, he wouldn't care about "taking it slow". Real relationships progress at a normal and comfortable rate and if someone is "hitting the brakes" then they just aren't that into you. Sad

I'm sorry OP but I'd bin him and move on.

Original poster
Greekcheese · 11/04/2019 18:11

Yes we’ve met each others families and all went very well. He is evasive when talking about short term plans eg if I suggest doing something or meeting he will have an excuse but in his eyes it is a reason , but it’s clearly an excuse . No holiday talk . We go to eachother a family and friend party’s and events . Hardly any benefits as we do t see eachother that much! Like a convenience to him sometime s

OP posts:
Confusedbeetle · 11/04/2019 18:13

9 months is nothing

JacquesHammer · 11/04/2019 18:16

He isn’t being unreasonable to want to take things slow - it absolutely isn’t a given he isn’t in to you.

You are not being unreasonable to want more.

You may just not be compatible.

HundredMilesAnHour · 11/04/2019 18:18

Definitely sounds like friends with benefits. There's taking it slow and there's just being with someone when it's convenient to have a girlfriend but living the single life the rest of the time. This is the latter. Are you sure he's actually straight and not gay/bi in hiding?

You can do better than this OP. You deserve someone who wants to actually be with you and spend time with you.

PinaColadaPlease · 11/04/2019 18:25

He’s happy with the current arrangement but has he ever checked that you are?

What would happen if you suggested a holiday?

I don’t think him wanting to take it slow is that odd in itself, 9 months isn’t that long. But he does need to consider what you want as well.

If he’s reluctant to go away or meet more often could it be as simple as he doesn’t have much spare cash?

FoxSquadKitten · 11/04/2019 18:30

he says he loves me and sees a future

And yet he only wants to see you every 2/3 weeks? Hmmm something's not quite right 🤔

FoxSquadKitten · 11/04/2019 18:32

Sorry 😐 once a week now. Still stands though, if he was that into you he'd want to see you all the time.

Whereareyouspot · 11/04/2019 18:32

Context is everything.

How old are you both and do either of you already have kids?

What is his previous relationship history and what reason has he given for being so desperate that it goes slowly?

SilverGoldBronze · 11/04/2019 18:34

He feels valued and loved? How do you feel? If you’re happy and fulfilled, it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks. But are you?

Ohyesiam · 11/04/2019 18:38

What does he say about why he wants to go slowly?
You are ok to have a conversation where you say you feel a bit fwb. It doesn’t have to be an ultimatum, or a dealbreaker conversation, just updating him on how it feels.

flabbythighs · 11/04/2019 18:55

I remember a conversation I had with a male friend years ago when he started to date his now wife

He said she had said right at the start what she wanted out of a relationship - marriage kids house etc - they were both early 30's but her words were the clock is ticking and this is what I'm looking for , is this what you are looking for ? because I don't have time to waste if it isn't

I thought it was perhaps a little blunt but he liked the honesty of the whole situation and thought at least He knew where He stood

Perhaps you need this type of conversation adjusted to your expectations and if he cannot match that move on and make it quite clear to him you are wasting valuable time otherwise

Tilikum · 11/04/2019 18:58

He says he loves you but gets shifty if you start talking about holidays? That's not really 'taking it slow'.

Has he ever had a serious girlfriend before? He might be commitment phobic and the thought of making any plans terrifies him.

outpinked · 11/04/2019 19:02

Nine months is generally long enough to be past the only seeing each other one day a week in my experience anyway!

I think he’s using you as a FWB type thing tbh. If you’re really into someone, there’s absolutely no ‘taking it slow’. That doesn’t mean you hurtle through the relationship at 100000 MPH but there’s a very natural progression and I don’t think that’s happening here.

Imadehimlikethat · 11/04/2019 19:06

No holiday talk so suggest a holiday. If he comes up with an excuse - he's busy that date - tell him to pick the datE. Too expensive - suggest a cheap break in the UK.

If he keeps making excuses tell him that you aren't happy, that you want to see him more than once a week on his terms only. You want to be thinking of living together and marriage and babies of that's what you want or at least a mid week date.

He isn't unreasonable and he isn't a mind reader

Dvg · 11/04/2019 19:36

To be honest...there's slow and then there is snail speed.

I'd be expecting more after 9 months, my partner moved in with me at 11 months and we were taking it slow in my mind, we're now married with kids but I wouldn't have waited for him forever.

What's his reason to keep it slow and what is he thinking the timeline is when it comes to living together, going on holidays etc etc

Original poster
Greekcheese · 11/04/2019 19:50

To answer some questions. I have no money for holidays really but he does. He says he has then planned with friend already and has various stags and sports events and concerts coming up. I don’t think he is gay but he is quite feminine . There isnt much bedroom action as we simply don’t stay together too much and he is tired a lot from sport and driving. He definitely isnt married or have kids and neither do I . If I haven’t seen him in five days and ask to see him, he’ll have an excuse but I’ll see him the next day .hes never had a serious girlfriend in his twenties no.he is 30. He says he wants it to go slowly so he is sure . His past girlfriends have been full on and never happy with his level of commitment . Sex is not high up on His list of priorities . He is very affectionate though. My friend thinks I am blind to him but really like him as a man

OP posts: