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AIBU?

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Original poster

Taking it slow or taking the piss

313 replies

Greekcheese · 11/04/2019 17:45

Boyfriend of nine months . Great bloke. Crazy about him . Started off meeting once a fortnight or theee weeks with plenty of text contact . Now up to once a week with an overnight stay. He wants to take it very slow. My friends say he is taking the piss . We are both 30. Him a home owner me a renter . No holidays ever. One weekend away . He has lots going on in his life. Mine is not as busy. He says he loves me but needs to take it slow. I have a history of being a mug for men. Staying in unhealthy relationships . Compromising and sacrificing to please them . I don’t want to fall Into this trap again. He loves the way it’s going. SAYs he feels valued and loved .Thanks

OP posts:
Chocolate1984 · 14/04/2019 14:03

Men aren't that complicated. Stop over thinking, making excuses and guessing what he thinks. If he wanted to see you he would. He lives 20 minutes away, easily meet each other, pop round. Also why text and message each other? Do you not wAnt to talk to each other?

Dimsumlosesum · 14/04/2019 14:12

Op, in the kindest way, he's just not that into you. He's really, really not.

Loopytiles · 14/04/2019 14:21

You’re 30 and want DC: don’t waste any more time on this relationship.

You are unhappy with the status quo and hoping - against all evidence - that it will change. Your bf is quite happy with the status quo and has made his priorities clear. You are of low priority.

As PPs say, the sex frequency seems very unlikely to increase.

Original poster
Greekcheese · 14/04/2019 15:32

I dont think he is gay so I don’t think I am
A beard but I do see from your threads that I am a type of convenience for him . His friends are not essentially macho but they are for the most part settled and fathers . I saw him over Christmas and new year holiday . Not specifically on those days but I spent time with him and his family here and there. He told me that he would be very busy with family reunion, relatives visiting and sport over that holiday. If I was very sick and needed company, he would call if I ask him, as long as he didn’t have training or a match or a family occasion or unless it was contagious. He does seem to turn on airplane mode on his phone when he is busy with his own life . I could be paranoid but it feels like he doesn’t want contact from me then . Sometimes when I feel sad or overwhelmed , I will get the feeling that he feels sorry for me , more than any other emotion and will
Comfort me but not in a genuine loving way but in a kind sort of patronising way . Hard to explain . Think I’ve amswered most of your questions .

OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 14/04/2019 16:01

Are you happy with this arrangement? If you don’t mind being second fiddle to everything else he would rather do then crack on. However, if not, bin him off. It’s not as if you’ll have a huge void to fill that he used to.
Personally, I think you are worth and deserve more than his crumbs.

Loopytiles · 14/04/2019 16:28

You say he has “lots going on in his life”, but it just sounds like he has lots of things he’d rather do than spend time with a girlfriend, currently you.

PlatypusLeague · 14/04/2019 17:03

Taking the P. Walk away now.

Ikeameatballs · 14/04/2019 17:09

Get out now.

purplepears · 14/04/2019 17:13

@Greekcheese
Honestly, you deserve more. You know this in your heart.

Original poster
Greekcheese · 16/04/2019 22:30

So we had a family occasion with his family On Saturday night. He was so attentive and dying to show me off to his family and friends that Ive never met before ... I’ve met immediate family and friends . He dropped me home at lunchtime on Sunday , his house is twenty minutes away from me and I had no plans . He has been with all of his family and friends and relatives all weekend including tonight since . They have been out for dinner and drinks each day since . Hanging out, Playing football, watching football, pints, dinner s etc . Not invited to anything . He will drop i during this week but all of his friends and family are around this week and I feel like I am only fitting in. This happened over the Christmas holidays aswell. Should I be there with him or is that too much to ask? Nearly Ten months in and living Twenty minutes away . He is in contact by text all the time

OP posts:
Original poster
Greekcheese · 16/04/2019 23:28

Anyone ?

OP posts:
Fiveredbricks · 16/04/2019 23:35

He's taking the piss op. £100 you're a beard Sad

Original poster
Greekcheese · 16/04/2019 23:38

Why do you think that???!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Greekcheese · 16/04/2019 23:39

A beard !! Jesus the thought s of that !! Have I really wasted all this time on pretending for him ??

OP posts:
Chilledout11 · 16/04/2019 23:50

It's a cover up I think. But regardless what the story is.. be doesn't like you enough to want to be with you. So let him f off with himself and get someone who does

Flowers
joystir59 · 16/04/2019 23:53

He's gay.

Original poster
Greekcheese · 16/04/2019 23:58

Gay !! Why didn’t you think that ??? There’s really is no reason for me to see that. He isn’t in any way feminine or has no interarest In Men as far as I can see

OP posts:
Meandwinealone · 17/04/2019 00:03

Why are you hanging onto this
You can’t change him
And he doesn’t make you feel good

Just say, thanks it was fun, but I’m not really that into this.
And walk away. It’s just NOT WORTH THE ANGST

HES NOT THE ONE FOR YOU

Let go for crying out loud

CSIblonde · 17/04/2019 00:14

I mean this with no ill will, but I think (from similar experience) he's using you for sex. Move on. You deserve more.

Loopytiles · 17/04/2019 07:35

The latest situation is just more of the same - he has many priorities other than spending time with you.

Posters have all advised you to end the relationship. You’re just wasting your time.

ItsalwaysLTB · 17/04/2019 07:46

OP I haven't RTFT but I don't think he's gay. Nor do I think you are FWB (he is not showing you enough respect for that and that also has to be mutually wanted). I think he is having his cake and eating it. Every so often he will throw you a little bone to keep you hanging on for a bit a longer. YOU DESERVE MORE!!! Get rid of him.

I went out with a twunt like this once, he broke my heart and made my self esteem hit rock bottom. Then I met my lovely DH and the situation was so different I could see the previous relationship for what it was. Please get rid of him, for your own sake.

Amongstthetallgrass · 17/04/2019 08:11

Sometimes it’s hard to let go when you really like some one and they blow hot and cold, it’s confusing and when you get that spot light of attention you crave it more. I’ve been there.

OP I threw my ultimatum down (albeit a soft one) and he easily walked away, I then really doubted myself and thought I was being pushy and needy . I found out later he was seeing his ex wife and some one else of a dating app.

I then met my Dh and have two kids now.

If it’s not working for you, move on as their are plenty of fish in the sea.

Original poster
Greekcheese · 17/04/2019 12:36

Thanks . It is hard As I get so much from him emotionally . To see how excited he was at the family event was weird . He was elated to be introducing me as his girlfriend to all his aunts and uncles and cousins . Like he was looking for approval or almost proud that he had a girlfriend with him . He has only ever had non serious relationships of you would even label them as that and has never had the opportunity to bring them to any event as they broke up with him in a matter of weeks/ months. He was kind and attentive at that event and then as I said, dropped me home and left me ther just like that, even though o know that they were all continuing the celebrations for following few days . I could have taken some time off work to be with him as he took nearly 3 weeks holidays as there are many events going on , to which I thought I may Be invited . We could here even had a few days together but no, it’s all his plans and there are many excuses and reasons why I am not involved . Am I being too needy and demanding perhaps

OP posts:
CardsforKittens · 17/04/2019 12:51

Am I being too needy and demanding perhaps

No, it’s not that. The difficulty is that you want one thing and he wants a different thing. He’s spending as much time with you as he wants to spend. He doesn’t want to see more of you. He doesn’t want to bring you into his life more. If he knows you want more but won’t talk about it, then he doesn’t respect you.

You could carry on like this for 10-15 years and see if he suddenly wants you more at some point in the future. Does that seem like something you’d be happy with? Decades of exactly the same relationship with only a vague hope of more?

Antibles · 17/04/2019 13:15

You are not being too needy and demanding. What you want is perfectly reasonable and normal. The trouble is, he sounds like he's just not that into you unfortunately. Somebody should be mad about you in the early months and wanting to see you loads. He doesn't appear to feel that way. You should cut your losses and move on, hard though it is.

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