Taking it slow or taking the piss

[Greekcheese]

Boyfriend of nine months . Great bloke. Crazy about him . Started off meeting once a fortnight or theee weeks with plenty of text contact . Now up to once a week with an overnight stay. He wants to take it very slow. My friends say he is taking the piss . We are both 30. Him a home owner me a renter . No holidays ever. One weekend away . He has lots going on in his life. Mine is not as busy. He says he loves me but needs to take it slow. I have a history of being a mug for men. Staying in unhealthy relationships . Compromising and sacrificing to please them . I don’t want to fall Into this trap again. He loves the way it’s going. SAYs he feels valued and loved .Thanks

His past girlfriends were never happy with his level of commitment. Sex is not high up on his list of priorities.

I would say this is who he is. I wouldn’t expect things to change. He wouldn’t be for me.

Gradually I feel your self esteem will wither. What does your friend mean ‘you are blind to him’?

He doesn't want to spend time with you, he doesn't want to go on holiday with you and he doesn't want to have sex with you? Seriously?
That isn't a relationship now is it, by any stretch of the imagination.

I'm really unsure why you want this man so much. He's not treating you like any kind of priority, doesn't want to have sex with you, go on holiday with you.

Is it a case of you want something because you can't have it? Move on. For the love of God. Something isn't right. He's either gay, bi, married or just not that into you.

this isn't what you want - so that's what matters.

walk now and salvage a friendship from it.

You don’t feel loved and valued so why settle ?

I do feel loved and valued when we are together. He messages the kindest , loveliest things . By saying I’m
Blind to him, she means I can’t see the way he is with me is wrong .

What are you hoping for with this thread?

I was hoping that him taking it slow was acceptable to the majority of women but my gut and my friend aswell as many posters here tell me that he is making a mug of me or rather, I’m making a mug of myself by not accepting that I want more and asking for it

Are you always available to him when he rains to see you? If he doesn't like to make plans, how have you lasted 9 months with him? Surely you would just make other plans instead of seeing him? What do you mean you don't have a busy life? Do yo not have interests, other friends, hobbies, etc?
I don't think you're well suited, I would pile on the pressure to see him more often, try to blend your lives a bit more and see what happens. If you can't, then there is no future with him, and you ought to consider moving on.

Sometimes I have to work on Saturdays so I can’t see him if he asks , otherwise I do see him when he asks .i fill my time when he is not free

How far away do you live from each other? Seeing each other once a week doesn't seem like enough to me after 9 months, but I'm probably clingy!

From reading what you've said, I think you may well find you're having a repeat situation of what his ex girlfriends have said about him. It sounds like the being funny about commitment and not being terribly keen on sex is just who this guy is, rather than the ex has been the problem every single time.

I had one of these, almost the same, never did work him out. Looking back I wish we'd only ever been friends as we did get on.

Twenty minutes away from eachother but I am always free to travel and willing and suggest but he is often tired after his commute or has plans for his evenings. I really don’t think it’s personal regarding me . I agree that this is who he is.. needs plenty of alone time, afraid of commitment , not fussed about sex but truly a lovely person or am I making excuses for him ??

I would have thought if you liked someone you'd actually want to see them and spend time with them?

Once every 3 weeks and now up to once a week is not someone that's bothered about you.

My sister had a boyfriend like this. They were together 3 years. He had a 2nd girlfriend the whole time

Something doesn’t sound right. I don’t want to say what I think the issue is because it’s irrelevant (what with it being a biased opinion based on the information given from you!) but you sound like you want more from the relationship than he’s willing to give.
You may just be incompatible.

That must have been awful ! I really really don’t think he has another woman . He is great to text and message when we are apart so he keeps me up to date with what he is up to. I definitely get the impression that he doesn’t want to lose me but doesn’t want to commit either.

Of course he doesn't want to lose you, you're fulfilling all his needs aren't you. He doesn't seem to be that worried about yours though. If he wasn't nice and lovely and attentive over text, he wouldn't be able to keep you dangling hoping for more would he?

Dodgy as fuck

Do you want children op?

he doesn’t want to lose me but doesn’t want to commit either.

That’s your answer. He is not committed to the relationship. And he may never be.

You have every right to seek commitment, both to a present, fulfilling relationship and to a future together. He is unwilling or unable to provide it. Sorry OP.

Blimey are you dating my ex?! Took me 3 years to realise he was a serial monogamist. It ended when I really put my foot down and said that if he didn't make a more concrete commitment I was off. He said he loved me but would always want things as they were. Bye!

I think you have to be really realistic about how much people can or are willing to change.

As others have said, I think it is clear from his previous relationships that this is just who he is.

I wouldn't be happy with this set up and more importantly it doesn't sound like you are. I think it's perfectly possible for two people to love each other but not make each other happy.

Why is your bar so low? Why don't you even trust yourself? Your own gut is telling you: hmm, this isn't a relationship. The guy's not commitment material, he doesn't really give a shit if he sees me or not, we don't have sex much, no plans for the future, but oh, no, I can't expect more.

Seriously? I had more fun and saw more of fuck buddies. Gees, at least the sex was good!

You're completely incompatible. You're wasting your time!

I was hoping that him taking it slow was acceptable to the majority of women but my gut and my friend aswell as many posters here tell me that he is making a mug of me or rather, I’m making a mug of myself by not accepting that I want more and asking for it

No, you were hoping for validation to continue wasting your time and making a mug out of yourself for someone who just isn't that into you.

Just cut it out.

Fuck asking him, he's already told you his terms.

'I don't feel like we're compatible. It's time for me to move on. Wish you the best.'

That you'd rather put up with someone who gives less than most fuck buddies speaks volumes.

You deserve something other than this.