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AIBU?

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Original poster

Taking it slow or taking the piss

313 replies

Greekcheese · 11/04/2019 17:45

Boyfriend of nine months . Great bloke. Crazy about him . Started off meeting once a fortnight or theee weeks with plenty of text contact . Now up to once a week with an overnight stay. He wants to take it very slow. My friends say he is taking the piss . We are both 30. Him a home owner me a renter . No holidays ever. One weekend away . He has lots going on in his life. Mine is not as busy. He says he loves me but needs to take it slow. I have a history of being a mug for men. Staying in unhealthy relationships . Compromising and sacrificing to please them . I don’t want to fall Into this trap again. He loves the way it’s going. SAYs he feels valued and loved .Thanks

OP posts:
firesong · 12/04/2019 16:41

I don't think the sex thing is likely to improve. How important is it to you?

dronesdroppingzopiclone · 12/04/2019 18:02

I thought that once we actually spent More time together... holidays and maybe when our time together would increase , that we would get more intimate .

Oh, FFS, honestly, you need to catch yourself on! Your friend has the measure of you, you waste your time with people you're not compatible with. But you're doing this for a reason if it's a pattern, on some level it works for you, too, as people do what works. What works for him is to have a part-time girlfriend as a hobby round the rest of his life and some crap sex. He's been up front of that and realises that's where he's at. You on the other hand have yet to pin down the fact that you keep picking people with whom you are incompatible and wasting time on them. Until you realise that and work on why you do this continually, you will continue to waste time with guys like this.

But honestly, the fuck it's going to get better with holidays. It would have already done so if it were going to, you don't need bloody holidays for that, your keeping your eyes on the wrong ball with this holiday stuff. You can't afford them, anyhow. You're wagging your own dog here.

Your mate must be totally frustrated with you.

Meandwinealone · 12/04/2019 18:07

Oh my god
Get the fuck out now.
He just wants the occasional ego stroke. Get something from you, a bit of worship. Then his cup is filled and he can go off and do what he wants to and pretend he’s a normal person!

recrudescence · 12/04/2019 18:11

I always thought ‘taking it slow’ was on the understanding that things would speed up if the slow phase went well. You seem to be just marking time with this one. And, unless you’re both really happy with it, the infrequent sex thing is a big warning sign that something isn’t right.

shitpark · 12/04/2019 18:43

Just be glad he won't go on holidays with you. Because then you'd be stuck with his attitude towards you, lack of intimacy etc., for the entire fortnight or so. With no escape.

dronesdroppingzopiclone · 12/04/2019 18:47

Your bar is already through the floor if you settle for shit sex when obviously it's important to you.

Tobebythesea · 12/04/2019 19:14

Do you live far apart? Once a week?!

I can only obviously talk about my own experience and close friends and family. Things tend to move faster in relationships the older you get. At 29 I had moved in after 9 months and been on 2 holidays.

You obviously want different things. For me, it would be a no. Think about what you want. House, marriage, kids? You are still young but you don’t need a time waster.

Original poster
Greekcheese · 12/04/2019 20:33

We live about 20 minutes from eachother . My best friend probably is fed up with me but she knows the men I’ve been with before but she really likes this man, as a man though, but not as a boyfriend . He is very charming and adores children , especially hers when he has met them so while she thinks I’m blind to his mo, she likes him as a person . I know my self esteem is crap . I’m working on it

OP posts:
dronesdroppingzopiclone · 12/04/2019 20:47

He is what he is, and what he is is a person who is happy with how he is. If you continue on, then on some level, this is working for you, too. Perhaps you are equally not interested in commitment or you would not repeat the patterns you do because believe me, this man is not sparing you a second thought, you are the one sitting analysing him and second-guessing and dodging along. There is nothing anyone can do to help you if you will not help yourself.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 12/04/2019 21:28

My Dp and I were 1 h 20 apart wirking 50+ hour weeks with 1 hour each way commutes.

We saw each other 2-3 time’s a week from about a month after meeting.

Once again...
Run
Courir

走る Hashiru

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 12/04/2019 21:33

Pushed send too soon 😳

Once again...

Run!
Courir!
Lauf!
Correr!
Rhedeg!
走る Hashiru!!!

🙅‍♀️🙅‍♀️🙅‍♀️🙅‍♀️🙅‍♀️

Original poster
Greekcheese · 12/04/2019 21:46

Christ he really isn’t into me is he 😥

OP posts:
dronesdroppingzopiclone · 13/04/2019 13:19

No, he isn't. But again, it's your time to waste.

user1471590586 · 13/04/2019 14:02

Sounds to me that he's not much interested in having a girlfriend. You say he has taken you to family things. Sounds like he is using you to stop his family nagging him about getting a girlfriend /getting married etc. He seems to be offering you the bare minimum in terms of a relationship.

PCohle · 13/04/2019 14:20

Don't feel down OP - it's not that he's not that into you, it's that you're not that into him.

There are things that you want in a relationship that he is unwilling or unable to give you. Please don't feel this is a blow to your self-esteem. Coming to recognise that actually a relationship isn't working for you and deciding to walk away is a strong, confident thing to do.

VictoriaBun · 13/04/2019 14:32

Did you spend any time over Christmas day / Boxing day with him ?
Did you see him over New Year ?
If you / him have had a birthday did you spend it together ?
If you said you were really unwell and wanted company, would he come over ?
These answers would be quite telling in my opinion.

jophie80 · 13/04/2019 15:07

If you are unhappy then you should communicate to him your feelings and what you want from this relationship, and be very clear and open about it. If he tells you he wants something different then be prepared to walk away. Seriously.

I know lots of friends who stick around waiting for the time when the guy will finally tell them he is ready to settle down, or to have kids. Rarely does the waiting pay off.

TBH most friends of mine who are married and met the guy in their thirties were clear throughout the relationship and demanded more from their partner. I know one women who threw regular tantrums until the guy agreed to marriage. And they got married within 2 years of doing so.

In life nothing is ever easy, and those happy couples, well don't be fooled. Rarely do people meet and the relationship is smooth sailing... You have to fight for what you want and if he does not tolerate it or at best agree to what you want.

Then he is not that into you. And your best option is to move on.

I know one women in her mid-forties now, who spent 10 years waiting for the guy to say he wanted to live with her and have kids. It never happened, and they eventually broke up. Now she is 44 and alone with a smaller pool of options.

My happiest friends are the girlfriends who say it straight and communicate their needs to their partners/lovers.

I am saying all this, because I want to help you...don't be afraid to speak up

Ilove31415926535 · 13/04/2019 16:20

You're not that into him. Frame it that way instead. And when your self esteem is worked on, and high, you'll look back at this and shake your head at this guy. You deserve to get what you want, and this isn't it. Finish it and work on yourself. You're going to be OK Flowers

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 14/04/2019 02:21

you’re not that into him. Frame it that way

You deserve to get what you want, and this isn't it. Finish it and work on yourself. You're going to be OK Flowers

This is good advice

KC225 · 14/04/2019 04:33

He likes having a girlfriend, he likes all the praise, ego boost etc. Sex isn't important, only sees you twice a month. Prioritises sporting events and concerts and holidays with friends etc., is reluctant to meet up spontaneously despite living 20 minutes away. Does he hang around/live with a 'macho' crowd? Are you sure you are not a beard?

olympicsrock · 14/04/2019 07:58

Oh dear - i’m Sorry to say that he is not passionate about you. If he’s not at this stage if your relationship he never will be and you would be condemning yourself to a life with a brother/sister relationship. My friend is married to a man like this. Works hard but to be honest he would rather spend time doing hobbies / working or hanging out with his friends. Not a bad guy - just a bad husband. The sex will NOT improve. Don’t settle for a life like this unless you do with with eyes open. You can do better.

Fruityb · 14/04/2019 08:27

You should be ravishing each other on a regular basis - I expected to see you loved two hours away. Twenty minutes is nothing. When me and my now husband got together we lived in the same city but it could take twenty minutes to drive across is. We were seeing each other 3-4 times a week and gradually all weekends. We moved in after a year. I know it’s not the same for everyone but after nine months I’d be expecting a far more solid foundation than this.

You want different things - get out and find them. You’ll be fine and you’ll see that this wasn’t right when you get it. I met dh when I was 27 but we were both very clear on what we wanted.

Don’t be his convenience - been there and done that. It ended with me with a broken heart and serious trust issues.

Ilikeslippers · 14/04/2019 08:40

Well, it seems like this relationship is all about what he gets out of it.

He's not going to change is he? He's not suddenly going to become someone who wants to spend lots of time with you, or who understands a relationship is about both people's needs.

He's shown you who he is. Believe him.

p.s. my awful DH had only had short term relationships and been dumped by them all too. Wish I had acted on the doubts that those other women ended the relationship over. Could've saved myself a wasted youth and whole lot of pain.

SlappingJoffrey · 14/04/2019 08:44

I don't think either of you are necessarily doing anything that wrong here, but if you'd require him to behave differently in order to get the relationship you want, it's easier to move on. You're incompatible. Just one of those things.

LetsDoThisAgain · 14/04/2019 12:52

A guy who's really into you wouldn't be satisfied with a once a week visit. Absolutely Not.

You deserve someone who falls head over heels can't get enough of you, not scraps of attention on His terms.

9 months sounds 8 months too long, dump him and move on. Especially if you're looking for marriage and kids, you could be 50 before this time waster is ready for that.