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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking it slow or taking the piss

313 replies

Greekcheese · 11/04/2019 17:45

Boyfriend of nine months . Great bloke. Crazy about him . Started off meeting once a fortnight or theee weeks with plenty of text contact . Now up to once a week with an overnight stay. He wants to take it very slow. My friends say he is taking the piss . We are both 30. Him a home owner me a renter . No holidays ever. One weekend away . He has lots going on in his life. Mine is not as busy. He says he loves me but needs to take it slow. I have a history of being a mug for men. Staying in unhealthy relationships . Compromising and sacrificing to please them . I don’t want to fall Into this trap again. He loves the way it’s going. SAYs he feels valued and loved .Thanks

OP posts:
Namechangenumber57 · 12/04/2019 01:29

It doesn’t really matter what his reasons are. It doesn’t matter if his needs are right or valid. Does this relationship meet your needs? Have you told him your needs? If yes, and he isn’t willing to change, then you are not compatible and you should move on.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 12/04/2019 07:22

Op it sounds a bit iffy to me...i've been dating a man since January....we live 15 mins drive apart but see each other as often as we possibly can....we have booked a holiday together and spend all weekend together every week...

Amongstthetallgrass · 12/04/2019 07:30

I went to go and meet my ex boyfriend family - I found out I was his no.3 chick. Wasn’t even the other women, I was the other other woman.

Phone him late at night and see if he picks up.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 12/04/2019 07:31

Run for the hills !!!!
this is NOT what normal relationships look like 9 months in.

I was in a relationship like this and it made me quite needy (and I am not a needy person per se) and messed with my expectations of normal. We dated for 6 months and it was quite damaging.

Stop wasting time on this guy he isn’t going to be your life partner/husband/future

RUN!

itsabongthing · 12/04/2019 07:36

What would happen if you didn’t instigate seeing each other?

Oakenbeach · 12/04/2019 07:38

@confusedbeetle

9 months is nothing

9 months is more than enough in this situation! There’s always someone like you in these kind of threads who believes you have to be with someone for 2 years before you can say you’re in a relationship, and 10 years before you can call each other partners....

If someone’s wanting to take it slow in the way the OPs bf is for the first 9 months, it’s not going to develop into the kind of passionate and eager relationship the OP (and most of us in her position) would want.

purplepears · 12/04/2019 07:46

@Greekcheese
The first months of a relationship with someone who loves you.....and you love too.....should be thrilling, fun, exciting, can't keep away from each other etc.
That's not what you've got but it sounds like what you want.
Don't settle for less.

waterygrass · 12/04/2019 07:47

I don't think he's making a mug of you, not intentionally at least. I wonder if he's watchful around money. He has more than you and is a homeowner. He may have been stung financially before. Maybe he knows you don't have spare cash for holidays and that's why he's never mentioned it. Just sounds like incompatibility, sorry op

Damntheman · 12/04/2019 08:05

Saying if he was interested he'd be wanting to spend more time with you isn't necessarily so.

He's thirty and he's never had a serious girlfriend. My best friend was like this almost exactly and when he first met his now wife he treated her the same way. He was reluctant to give up his autonomy and make the compromises in time because he was so used to only having to consider himself. It was a difficult transition and he also used to keep her to one overnight stay a week. They're now blissfully happy and married some five years later.

BUT. I personally would not be happy with this level of 'taking it slow'. It's quite okay to not be happy with it and to leave because of it.

swingofthings · 12/04/2019 08:09

I wonder if he's watchful around money
That was my thought too. If indeed he has been stung before paying for everything and used for his money, it could have made him very weary of giving too much too quickly. When you went away for that weekend, did you pay half? How did the conversation about paying go?

nothinglikeadame · 12/04/2019 08:15

Nope, this is not s relationship...God knows what it is.
Really, it sounds like you know nothing about him or about his life..only the crumbs he is feeding you.
Also, please discount the loving, thoughtful messages. They are so, so easy to write and send..they take no effort whatsoever.
Finally, you obviously have a few self esteem issues to accept being treated lkkd this as normal, so I would work on that rather than waste anymore time on this person.
I bet if you didn't respond to a message or two, he would just disappear anyway.

CraftyYankee · 12/04/2019 08:18

You fill your time waiting for him to contact you? Do you realize how sad that sounds. Sad as in such a low value on yourself and your time.

Value yourself first. Find what makes you happy instead of waiting for a man to fill the holes.

And also, never prioritize someone to whom you are only an option.

Imustbemad00 · 12/04/2019 08:22

I had a similar situation. People told he he must have a girlfriend. I point blank refuses to believe it because he was always available on the phone. Text me all evening. We loved 5 minutes apart and was happy to walk around with me or go to local pub. Turns out he had a long term girlfriend. I left him and found out 6 months later his girlfriend did too as she found out about his MANY indiscretions.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 12/04/2019 08:24

This man is not your future. Cut him free, throw him back and try again.

Original poster
Greekcheese · 12/04/2019 11:49

Thanks for replies. I do want kids and so does he . He is generous with money eg meals/ drinks etc. He paid for break away but I also contribute sometimes. He has a good job but significant outgoings too . His relationships have been short eg three months or so and the girls have ended them . I know he likes having a girlfriend. He likes feeling wanted and people being grateful to him when he does nice things . He thrives on praise and appreciation. I don’t thonk he deliberately doesn’t want to see me, I think he wants to spend his free time doing other things with other people too. The slow burn , I am beginning to think, might be a way of protecting himself to see if I am really serious about staying with him despite the low level of personal contact and low progress level . I am not greatly bothered about the sex thing as I’m
Sure it’ll improve with time and contact. I think many of you are right. This is who he is and he seems to be saying... take it or leave it . My needs do matter to him but not so much as to actively try to prove it to me . I really dont think there is a woman. Majorit of friends are women but no romantic interest on his part

OP posts:
Fortheloveofscience · 12/04/2019 11:58

Nah - unless you’re both very young and so it doesn’t matter so much if you waste a couple of years on this selfish guy who wants everything exactly on his terms, ditch him now and look for someone who wants to spend time and actually act like he’s in a relationship with you. You can do better, don’t settle for this one. The “thriving on praise and appreciation” is worrying - not a good choice for life partner.

PCohle · 12/04/2019 12:03

Does he realise he would have to see his kids more than once a week? I've always found it funny when men who have sooo many hobbies and are just too busy to dedicate more time to a relationship, also claim to really want kids and a family. How does he imagine that will work?

The sex thing will absolutely not improve. I'm sorry to be blunt but it really absolutely won't. If you aren't having as much sex as you would like at the start of your relationship when you're madly in love and hormones are raging, you never will.

You deserve much better. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who wants to see you and wants to prioritise your relationship.

ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 12/04/2019 12:12

The sex thing isn’t going to improve. This is who he is.

TheViceOfReason · 12/04/2019 12:18

He likes having a girlfriend, but doesn't want to sacrifice any of his already allotted time or make any changes to his lifestyle.

I was expecting you to say you lived 100+ miles apart when you said you see each other so little and he's tired after driving - the distance is nothing!

dronesdroppingzopiclone · 12/04/2019 12:23

The slow burn , I am beginning to think, might be a way of protecting himself to see if I am really serious about staying with him despite the low level of personal contact and low progress level . I am not greatly bothered about the sex thing as I’m
Sure it’ll improve with time and contact. I think many of you are right. This is who he is and he seems to be saying... take it or leave it .

Catch yourself on! The sex thing is not going to improve and neither is the relationship. Give your head a wobble! STOP fucking analysing what you think is going on in his head and rationalising that he's just testing you to see if you're serious. He's NOT. He's not giving this a second thought. This is who he is! Slow burn my arse. He will never commit to anyone because that's not what he's about. You are 100% wasting your time showering this man with praise and attention and the gratitude he expects for the crumbs he throws you when he feels like it when you are yet another in his long line of girlfriends.

Never make someone a priority when you are only an option to them.

You need to do some serious work on your self-esteem.

When I met DH, I was done with slow-burners or casuals or 'let's wait and see' people. Just no longer interested in that. I made that clear from our 2nd date. We were on the same page. We were married within a year (neither of us had kids) and expecting our first child.

flabbythighs · 12/04/2019 12:24

Sorry but I'm in agreement with PP the sex thing will not improve , if your 9 months into a meaningful relationship you
1/ count the minutes until you are together again each and every time ( both of you )
2/ rip each other's clothes of whenever the occasion permits - Christ your both 30 or there about the hormones should be doing handstands if it's a match

LordNibbler · 12/04/2019 12:26

You really are burying your head in the sand about all this. I'm pretty certain you're not going to be back here in twelve months to tell us how we were all wrong and he just needed time to see the light and that you are 'The One'. But it's your time to waste and your life. I wish you luck nevertheless.

Original poster
Greekcheese · 12/04/2019 15:36

I guess my friend was spot on in her opinions . I thought that once we actually spent More time together... holidays and maybe when our time together would increase , that we would get more intimate . He seems to be having his cake and eating it too from all
Your replies . Hard to read all of your thoughts at times .

OP posts:
GarthFunkel · 12/04/2019 15:48

He's happy with a very part-time girlfriend that he can fit in after work, existing social life, sport, hobbies and family. And he's not that into sex. That works for him and it's all he wants. Now if he met someone who made his heart melt and skin burn all his other commitments would go out of the window. Now, that's not you and/or it's not now.

He can be a lovely person who is lovely to you - but he doesn't want the same things as you.

firesong · 12/04/2019 16:39

I don't think there's anything wrong with what he wants, and he has been honest about it. It just sounds like you ought to have a think about what you want. What kind of progression would you like to see, and when? Do you want the whole marriage and kids scenario in the next two years? Or just some holidays and more of an equal footing (not kind of asking to see him each time ... perhaps he could be asking to see you). He's not a bad person for wanting what he wants, but he might not get it from you.