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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking it slow or taking the piss

313 replies

Greekcheese · 11/04/2019 17:45

Boyfriend of nine months . Great bloke. Crazy about him . Started off meeting once a fortnight or theee weeks with plenty of text contact . Now up to once a week with an overnight stay. He wants to take it very slow. My friends say he is taking the piss . We are both 30. Him a home owner me a renter . No holidays ever. One weekend away . He has lots going on in his life. Mine is not as busy. He says he loves me but needs to take it slow. I have a history of being a mug for men. Staying in unhealthy relationships . Compromising and sacrificing to please them . I don’t want to fall Into this trap again. He loves the way it’s going. SAYs he feels valued and loved .Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Greekcheese · 23/04/2019 12:34

No I’m not. I agree with you

OP posts:
ShinyShoe · 23/04/2019 12:35

You’re being short changed! I’ve been married many many years and our sex life has had its ups and downs but one of the things that binds us together and keeps us going is the memory of that 1st year dating. Wow. Serious non stop bonking. You are really missing out OP. You’re missing out on a bloke who wants you SO much that he can’t even choose to be away from you because hot biology takes over. Don’t sacrifice that! It’s the best. Find yourself a bloke who turns up at your door at 3am because he can’t be away from you. That intensity fades over the years but you haven’t even had that with this guy! You are already on fade! So sad and depressing and boring. Dump him, be a mate only and go find yourself a keeper.

Nanny0gg · 23/04/2019 12:35

Then are you happy to carry on like this with no future prospects?

Redshoeblueshoe · 23/04/2019 12:36

Yes but you are still going to cling on to him.
Find someone who actually cares about you.

sanmiguel · 23/04/2019 12:46

I've read the whole thread and I'm really sad OP that you have such a low opinion of yourself that you think the crumbs of his life is all you're worth.

Does he get aroused when you hug and kiss? There's a thread on here about when you knew he was the one. My now husband drove hours in snow blizzards to spend 10 mins together before he left again to get back for work. We lived about an hour away and spent at least 3 nights together and commuted to work within a couple months of meeting. We've been together 10 years now and still have more intimacy it seems than you do in your honeymoon phase? At this point you should be unable to keep your hands off each other.

Whatever underlies this, gay/doesn't fancy you/asexual/issues from childhood..... this is who he is, he's clearly happy with you just having the scraps of his life when it suits him. do you really want that for your future?

Original poster
Greekcheese · 23/04/2019 12:52

No I don’t 😥

OP posts:
Original poster
Greekcheese · 23/04/2019 12:54

No he doesn’t really get aroused at all. What made it real to me was when he would never be aroused in the mornings. Ever

OP posts:
ChuckleBuckles · 23/04/2019 13:32

I want so much to believe

OP you typed this in one of your posts and it sums up everything. You want so badly to believe that a lovely, caring, romantic life is going to happen with this man that you are willing to wait and see and excuse anything that happens. You will excuse away lack of intimacy, excuse away seeing each other one a week only when convenient for him and he gets no better offers, excuse away his investment of time and effort in another woman that he works with, who is married with kids and has no interest in him, excuse away his refusal of joint holidays so he can holiday with family or other friends, excuse away his offhand treatment of you as he is busy with "hobbies".

You come on here and make another thread with the same issue, you get the same replies from various posters all saying the same thing and still you excuse. You reply "but", "maybe", "what If" on and on and on.

This man is not the problem, your "relationship" with him is not the problem, spending no time together is not the problem, lack of sex is not the problem, the woman he works with is not the problem.

The problem is that I want so much to believe - you see things as you wish them to be, not for the way they really are. Until you see things as they really are, nothing will change.

FoxSquadKitten · 23/04/2019 13:55

he is very in touch with his feminine side, he is very emotional , huggy, open , comments constantly on women’s clothes, hair , make up , very into his body and appearance , comments about the attractiveness of men and their bodies

Come off it OP, you're taking the piss now, he couldn't sound more gay if he tried.
I agree with purplepears you got us good and proper 👏🏻👏🏻

purplepears · 23/04/2019 13:57

Thank you, @FoxSquadKitten.
It's so bloody obvious!!!!

pikapikachu · 23/04/2019 14:27

It sounds like you'd see him more if you were friends rather than "lovers". (The speech marks are because you're not really dating. ) He might be totally unaware of being asexual or gay but it sounds like your status as gf stops his family asking why he's not dating. Do you have an inkling of how his family would react if he were gay?

The two of you sound like you're after different things. He sounds like the sort of man who'd be horrified that he'd be expected to live with you if you became pregnant.

His behaviour is bizarre. Even an asexual man would have dropped you off last at the party because he'd have you in the car as company when doing the drop offs and if the car was too full, he'd be rushing to get back so that he can see you briefly before dropping off the next person.

Original poster
Greekcheese · 23/04/2019 14:28

I can tell you truthfully that you are wrong .

OP posts:
RockinHippy · 23/04/2019 14:28

Your friend is right, this looks very much like a lost cause & he's stringing you along.

I agree you need the very blunt conversation about what you want & time frame & a non evasive reply from him, but don't get your hopes up too much as his past history screams of wanting his cake an eating it. All the freedom in the world & a part time GF at his beck & call for family gatherings. He can play part time perfect BF very easily, until you realise it's a sham & all he actually wants

I've had a few like this in my time & have male friends in this category too. No surprise to roll forward 30 years or more & guess what, they are all still single & for the most part, still stringing some other poor sucker along

RockinHippy · 23/04/2019 14:32

he is very in touch with his feminine side, he is very emotional , huggy, open , comments constantly on women’s clothes, hair , make up , very into his body and appearance , comments about the attractiveness of men and their bodies

Not getting the replies presuming this means gay😐 way to go to keep those outdated gender stereotypes going 🙄

My DH is exactly like this, as are many of our friends. Who are NOT gay

GruciusMalfoy · 23/04/2019 14:32

I think he's been pretty sneaky. He's been intimate with you in the initial stages to lure you in and get you to love him. As soon as that's sorted he's happy to wind the physical relationship back, because he has you where he wants you, free to parade you about while harping on about how you are so "understanding" of his needs. And you can't say otherwise for fear of looking like his exes.

If this is for real, he's a user.

pikapikachu · 23/04/2019 14:37

The other woman is a red herring. He might like flirting on text but not want any sex with this woman either (thrill of the chase and ego boost knowing that another woman would say yes)
He sounds asexual but knows how to reel women in verbally and can't help doing it.

FoxSquadKitten · 23/04/2019 14:39

My DH is exactly like this, as are many of our friends. Who are NOT gay

Yeah but I'm guessing they like having sex and being intimate with their partners, no?

Erythronium · 23/04/2019 16:40

comments about the attractiveness of men and their bodies

Straight men don't do this. I'm sure someone will be along to say "but I know a straight man who blah, blah, blah"," but in general they don't. He's looking at the attractiveness of other men. He does have a sexual interest, it's just not with women.

I hope you find something better OP. I guess him telling you he loves you has got you hooked, but you do have to look at his actions too and see if they match up with his words. They really don't.

Original poster
Greekcheese · 23/04/2019 17:28

Sometimes on mumsnet, I read a post where a woman is being badly abused . I can see it, the 100 posters can see it but she can’t. She questions, she defends and most re and stem than not pulls out the.. but he’s a great dad/ provider/ worker card... I am amazed . I think.. if she cannot see it either she is deluded and in denial or so badly beaten down , she won’t see it. That is the greatness of mumsnet . The clarity and objectivity and sensitivity that is so kindly offered by the majority . I see that he is 99% gay from your replies and from the beginning to this thread, it has taken me that long for the lightbulb moment, where I can see clearly now . To those who thought it was a wind up, you were completely wrong and to those who helped me see the wood for the trees , thank you. I’ll leave it here as I feel that I’ve pissed people off and can see a little meanness creeping in.thank you so so much

OP posts:
Original poster
Greekcheese · 23/04/2019 17:32

99% sure he is gay i meNt !

OP posts:
FoxSquadKitten · 23/04/2019 17:41

Not meanness OP, it's called being cruel to be kind.
If this is true then we are trying to make you see that you can do better than this waste of space.
I'm sure he's a really nice bloke but he is not boyfriend/husband material, so don't waste any more of your time on him.

purplepears · 23/04/2019 17:58

I'm sorry if you felt hurt by my words, @Greekcheese .
What was said was for effect and to try and make you see things from a different angle.
All the best for the future. Go find yourself someone straight, sexy, fabulous and generous with his love. He's out there somewhere.
Xx

Carblover · 23/04/2019 17:59

Not mean the shop but if it looks like a duck quacks like a duck it's a bloody duck and I think I have to agree with everybody he thinks he's gay
this is a man the who needs a girlfriend as he's either in denial or not ready to come out and he's telling you everything you need to hear he does not want any more than friendship

Carblover · 23/04/2019 18:00

Sorry predictiveGrin
It's not meaness OP j

GarthFunkel · 23/04/2019 18:26

But but but even if he's not gayhe so is he's just not that into you.

He wants a once a week no-sex friendship that keeps his family off his back.

You deserve someone that wants you - all of you, who wants to be your best lover and biggest cheerleader.

This man is not that person for you. You can't change him - he doesn't want to change. He's perfectly happy. You are not.