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AIBU?

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Original poster

Taking it slow or taking the piss

313 replies

Greekcheese · 11/04/2019 17:45

Boyfriend of nine months . Great bloke. Crazy about him . Started off meeting once a fortnight or theee weeks with plenty of text contact . Now up to once a week with an overnight stay. He wants to take it very slow. My friends say he is taking the piss . We are both 30. Him a home owner me a renter . No holidays ever. One weekend away . He has lots going on in his life. Mine is not as busy. He says he loves me but needs to take it slow. I have a history of being a mug for men. Staying in unhealthy relationships . Compromising and sacrificing to please them . I don’t want to fall Into this trap again. He loves the way it’s going. SAYs he feels valued and loved .Thanks

OP posts:
joystir59 · 20/04/2019 06:04

He doesn't like love or respect you, he just wants someone to represent 'gf' when he needs that affirmation that he's not gay. His real life is without you. You are not a real part of his life. You are the mug who stayed longer than the sensible women who saw him for what he is and got out quickly.

Original poster
Greekcheese · 20/04/2019 21:40

I have seen him a little more this week and been to another family occasion . He seems to be very ‘proud’ of me if that makes sense but then is fast to drop me home and not see him for another few days. He certainly likes to parade me as such but together on our own he is happy with a night here and there . He likes his own space . I know that some of his family and friends do wonder why we are not together more but he just tells them that we are taking things slow

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FoxSquadKitten · 20/04/2019 22:01

Hmmm. It just seems so weird. He's a hot blooded male in the early days of a relationship - he should want to see you all the time 🤔

Original poster
Greekcheese · 20/04/2019 22:10

I know! You can see I’m sure why I’m so confused. Being brought to major family events and paraded around to meet everyone but then will not see him for days on end although plenty of messages and compliments . I’m here, available to meet . He knows I adore him and from early days would have agreed to anything he asked but he puts me off when I do suggest meeting more or bemoan the fact that we may not see eachother for a week now and again and him making up excuses not to meet because that’s what they are. I am not stupid .

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Grumpelstilskin · 20/04/2019 22:28

Do some classes, join clubs or even go on dates. Stop being available, till you genuinely aren't so desperate for his company. I'd phase him out.

Meandwinealone · 20/04/2019 22:29

Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this.

Original poster
Greekcheese · 20/04/2019 22:49

Surely it is progress ?

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Meandwinealone · 20/04/2019 22:50

Doesn’t sound like it. Does it to you,

MiniCooperLover · 20/04/2019 22:50

Stop being 'here, available to meet'. Make it clear you're ok with once a week and start living your life. He'll start wanting to see you more not long after ::: then it's your decision.

tokirara · 20/04/2019 22:57

I agree with PP - beard, or some other cover up. Stop over-analysing 'progress' - when you're desperate for progress then every small thing, even accidental, can look like progress to you when really it's not going anywhere at all. Look at it here and now - you're not happy nor should you be when what you want and deserve is more - then get out.

Original poster
Greekcheese · 20/04/2019 23:03

But I am so happy when I’m with him . My biggest concern lately is a female fiend of his . I notice that he is texting her alit. They are friends for years but he texts her regularly and they work together and meet up outside work . He talks about her like she is a queen and really looks up to her and admires her . I can see why he does this . She has older and more accomplished . She is honest with him and calls him out on his bullshit from time to time . I know this by the way he talks about her but also have seen texts come through responding to his and they are ...’ thank you for your beautiful compliment etc etc ‘ that’s set me back a little . There is nothing romantic going on though and she clearly has no interest in him .

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Original poster
Greekcheese · 20/04/2019 23:08

I thought it was progress . I only met his immediate family for the first time in late December / January . He has now introduced me to everybody so I am thinking that he is trying to steep it up a notch . I will know better when the family occasions have died down a little and whether he wants to see me as much. I feel that because he knows I am besotted and so thrilled to meet his nearest and dearest that he had me where he wants me but I can see through this too .

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Singletomingle · 20/04/2019 23:09

Does he have any backstory, previous relationships that ended badly or childhood issues?

Beamur · 20/04/2019 23:12

I had a long term relationship with an ex whom I only saw once or twice a week. Suited us both but ultimately when I pushed for a bit more from him he wasn't able to give it. We split on good terms.

Guiltypleasures001 · 20/04/2019 23:14

From what you are describing op, he's parading you around like some show pony, then putting you back in the stables once everyone's seen you.

It doesn't sound like he goes very deep emotionally, he says nice words, but his actions don't match up to them. It doesn't sound like he genuinely knows how to show actual love or has ever been in it.

I think your being used, whether your a cover for being gay, or he's not capable of having a real relationship, but you cannot go on like this, maybe he's a sociopath

Sickly words like some poet laureate via text is not a relationship, unless it's backed up with hard facts, and it's not by what you have said so far.

You deserve better, and your tying yourself up in knots with it all

Original poster
Greekcheese · 20/04/2019 23:28

Yes I am tying myself I. Knots. You are right. Such attention and live and pride and then nothing for days besides lovely words on text . His backstory is a long term relationship I. His teens that he still talks about. Loved her but thinks she dumped him for lack of sex . A two to three. Both relationship with girls who then dumped him for commitment and or sex issues . Issues surrounding sex as a teenagerwanted to be the same as everyone else but knew he wasn’t . Just did not feel sexual but Tried to force himself to, even with himself .A few one night stands where he said he just didn’t feel it with the girls so quick and unsatisfying and then ran for the hills .thats the back story

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Original poster
Greekcheese · 20/04/2019 23:29

WHATS A sociopath

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Absolutepowercorrupts · 20/04/2019 23:34

Greek cheese
This is heartbreaking to read, your self esteem is at rock bottom, that should be something for you to work on. But reading your updates that he's very proud to introduce you to his family and friends. Then he drops you and ignores you.
He's gay, men who are gay don't have to be very feminine and a parody of women, that's just stereotypical nonsense.
He's using you as a cover up to his family and friends. My advice would be to end it now before you get any deeper.

Original poster
Greekcheese · 20/04/2019 23:38

Why do you think he is gay ?

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HelloYouTwo · 20/04/2019 23:43

Do you actually have sex with this man? You seem like a pretend girlfriend for display purposes only. The bit when you’re done with family events and he’s taking you home is when he should be coming in with you, you rip each other’s clothes off and go for it! Not dropping you back and heading back to the party alone. From what you say he’s not really interested in sex, whether he’s gay or asexual of something else, it doesn’t matter. If you want a proper relationship you need to be on the same page regarding sexual needs. If you’re happy to be wheeled out and then put back in your box, carry on. Do you ever actually talk to him about why he doesn’t want to spend more time with you?

Flobalob · 20/04/2019 23:43

Before I met my current partner, I had boyfriends that I would make all sorts of excuses for as to why we weren't serious. Then I read the book "He's just not that in to you" and it made me realise that I was worth more than staying with these guys who wasted my time.
If he was really, properly in to you, he would want to see you more. Absolutely nothing would get in his way of seeing you. He is messing you around by saying he wants to take it slowly and us wasting your time. Time that you can spend on a man that can't wait to see you.
When you find the right man for you, he won't play these kinds of silly games.

Original poster
Greekcheese · 20/04/2019 23:49

No we don’t have sex

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HelloYouTwo · 20/04/2019 23:50

Ok, would you like to have sex with him?

PCohle · 20/04/2019 23:53

Wait, you never have sex with him at all?

Original poster
Greekcheese · 20/04/2019 23:53

Yes

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