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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Taking it slow or taking the piss

313 replies

Greekcheese · 11/04/2019 17:45

Boyfriend of nine months . Great bloke. Crazy about him . Started off meeting once a fortnight or theee weeks with plenty of text contact . Now up to once a week with an overnight stay. He wants to take it very slow. My friends say he is taking the piss . We are both 30. Him a home owner me a renter . No holidays ever. One weekend away . He has lots going on in his life. Mine is not as busy. He says he loves me but needs to take it slow. I have a history of being a mug for men. Staying in unhealthy relationships . Compromising and sacrificing to please them . I don’t want to fall Into this trap again. He loves the way it’s going. SAYs he feels valued and loved .Thanks

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/04/2019 19:37
Thanks

He has invested a lot in getting you to believe his narrative he desperately wants you to be a "girlfriend" literally a friend that is a girl he can pass off as being his romantic interest. He probably desperately doesn't want to be gay.

He has done a good number on tricking you so don't feel bad, you are far from the first woman duped this way.

LordNibbler · 23/04/2019 19:37

I know you may think some of us have been a bit mean. But sometimes you have to be a bit pointed and no none-sense when you're trying to help someone see the obvious. If we didn't care, we wouldn't all be here trying to help you see that you deserve so much more than this chap will ever give you.

Greekcheese · 23/04/2019 21:06

Look I know that anybody who comes on to mn tries to help and I do appreciate it very very much. I felt disbelieved at times and I’m sure in a years time, I will reread all of this and be less sensitive about It all . I’ve spent the evening with Him and he found me to be very quiet . He left his phone when he went to the bathroom and a message appeared on his screen from the queen saying.. aw that’s so sweet.. I miss you also, we will have dinner next week after work and catch up and discuss everything that’s upsetting you . Two weeks is indeed a long time to be apart with out the chats etc etc ... so I’ve text him now to meet tomorrow to finish this nonsense .thanks everybody

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/04/2019 21:31
Thanks

Yes you will be very sad for a while but then focus on onwards and upwards.

daisychain01 · 23/04/2019 21:57

OP sorry to put it like this but I think you need to put your problem into perspective. Not saying you can't be upset about this bloke, but honestly in the grand scheme of life, he's a nobody. You need to pull yourself together now, get out there and live your life, not waste your Easter holidays on someone who hasn't given you a second thought.

There's a big world out there (and let's face it there are people out there in all sorts of dire situations, right? If you've seen the news you'll know people are getting blown up and losing family). It does help to look outside your front door at what else is going on, once in a while.

I'll step away from this thread, because I think this one has run its course.

All the very best.

AlexaAmbidextra · 23/04/2019 23:55

Why do you have to meet to finish it? Just call or text and tell him.

AsleepAllDay · 24/04/2019 00:08

You can choose however to do it, but make sure you do! He has said all the right words but his actions are of a man very disinterested, not someone who has hit it off with a new woman! You need more and he's clearly not going to deliver it

DeeCeeCherry · 24/04/2019 03:02

Boring.

Be with someone who wants to laugh love and be with you, wants a future with you. Better single than frittering your good years away on someone who knows what he wants, which is not you beyond a casual relationship

kmammamalto · 24/04/2019 07:55

OP, I think you are taking the advice of people on a public forum a little too seriously. We only have what you are explaining and it's very hard to get a clear picture from that, near impossible, to me, to decide on someone's sexuality!
I honestly think he sounds happy to be with you and happy for things to be the way they are. I don't think he is using you or mugging you off.
But I also don't think what he is happy with is making you happy! And you need to have a conversation with him about that, not with us.
My friend had a similar relationship, I think the thing with some men is they get totally stuck in their ways, he also had lots of hobbies, owned his own house and went away on sporty holidays with friends etc and he just liked to fit her in around that. She wasn't happy, wanted to know there was a future and what kind of time line she was looking at so they had some difficult conversations and it looked like they may break up for a while. Ultimately he realised she was right and he was so afraid of changing the life he had built for himself. Upshot was she moved in and is now renovating his bathroom to make it more lady friendly! He is sometimes bit bemused as he was happy with his life as it was but is definitely happier with her in it!
This is long, sorry, my point is just, if you're unhappy talk to him! Stop listening to everyone else x

kmammamalto · 24/04/2019 08:02

Aww I just saw your update so sorry. My fault for not reading on.
I still think talking honestly and openly with him is your best option. Good luck and take care of yourself

Rumbletum2 · 24/04/2019 09:39

I think that message from “the queen” is very peculiar. It just doesn’t sound right. Who says “also” instead of “too”? Who says stuff like “two weeks is indeed....” etc. Basically (presumably) repeating something back to him that he’s said to her.

Something just seems off.

honeybeetheoneandonly · 24/04/2019 18:13

It just sounds like he isn't emotionally available. Whether that is because he is straight but madly in love with a woman he cannot have; or gay; or neither of those... it makes no difference to you.
He isn't emotionally available!
At least not anywhere near the extent most people would find acceptable in a relationship.

Look at where you are after almost a year.
Maybe he will be one day but certainly not soon and possibly never in the way you are picturing it.
How long are you willing to give it to find out?

I understand you have been with twats in the past, so this is a lovely change...except it isn't.

You remind me if a friend who is falling/fell for a womanizer. Yes, he makes her feel amazing and special when they are together and I understand why she would love to feel like this all the time. She is desperate to be seriously involved with him and thinks he would be a perfect partner except in reality he would be a really, really shit partner!!! (Great shag though, so at least she has that).

Please take off the rose tinted glasses and look at what you have after a year.

You haven't invested too much time yet, even if it feels like it, I would walk away.

However, if you are happy to potentially waste another year, I would have a think about where you want to be by then, then discuss it with him eg I would like us to live together by next Easter.
You then have a goal in mind and should see whether you are heading there or not.

sanmiguel · 25/04/2019 13:53

Sorry to hear your update @Greekcheese. Whatever is happening with the 'queen', he's clearly not giving you the attention and time you deserve. Hope you're ok.

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