Haven't been allowed to see DGD since Christmas...AIBU

[Livvylovesgin]

So, DGD lives 3 hours away. Step DS and SDIL have separated. DS is only allowed ( by SDIL) 30 mins supervised contact per week ( twice actually in 6 weeks).

We are visiting family near to DGD, in a couple of weeks, and would really like to see DGD.

Last week I offered SDIL a couple of dates ( so 28/29th) when we are nearby. She said she would think about it. She has and come back with the 30th!

AIBU to feel aggrieved that we will be driving over on the 28th, back on the 29th. Then will need to drive over again for the day on the 30th, a round trip of 6 hours!

It’s passive aggressive of her, but not much you can do

Is your step DS going to fight for his parental rights and 50% access?
You could support him with that.

There must be a reason why DS is only allowed 30 minutes of supervised contact. I assume that as his family she will have misgivings about you seeing the child too. Perhaps she has misunderstood. Maybe ascertain whether she has.

Don’t drive back on the 29th? Just stay overnight?

Why is your son only being given supervised visits? Who made that decision and is she being supported in doing this, by the courts or SS?

Well you could stay over on the 29th to see DGD on the 30th, you don't need to drive home then drive back again.

It sounds a bit petty but maybe she's already got plans. It's hard to assess what the motivation might be behind it without knowing what the relationships between you all is like.

Why does your son have so little contact and why is it supervised? How old is the child? Has the child’s mother given you a reason why you can’t see her on the 28th or 29th?

It’s hard to judge if YABU without more information.

Your SDIL doesn't have to let you see your DGC at all. Yes, she may well be being passive-aggressive or she may already have plans for 28th & 29th. Nothing much you can do really, either accept 30th and the journeys involved or accept not seeing your DGC.

Is there more of a back story to this if she is severely limiting your DSS' visits and ensuring they are supervised?

Will you be visiting DGC in SDIL's home in her presence?

No, SDIL has decided that's all the time he can have and has to be supervised by one of her friends. Says she can't manage without her LO.

He has an appointment with a solicitor.

Wondering about staying an extra night or trying to change our trip, but that would affect other family members.

I'm a bit 🤔 that I would suggest two dates and she would come back with a third? No reason given for not being able to do the first dates. ( but then I suppose she doesn't need to give a reason!)

It's difficult but if the child's Dad only has supervised visits there is likely a reason for this and your SDIL doesn't really have to offer you anything. As awful as it must be not to have frequent contact with your Grandchild, I think I'd give in and accept her offer of the 30th for the sake of keeping things running smoothly.

If it's any consolation, Ex and I split when DS13 was very young (a few months old). It was awkward at times but his Mum and Dad remained very involved in our lives and 13 years on we are still firm friends; Ex-MIL never once involved herself in anything other than loving DS13, and left Ex and I to work out the end of our relationship. Credit to her, because it can't have been easy. Hopefully in time your SDIL and you might be able to foster a friendship meaning you're able to still be a part of your Grandchild's life.

Some cross posts - yes in their home. She says she will sit in the kitchen.
She says she has taken legal advice and advice is that family can't do the 'supervision' either.

How old is the child? I'm wondering if she is very young hence your step ds doesn't see her for long

I'm a bit 🤔 that I would suggest two dates and she would come back with a third?

But it's entirely possible that she has things planned for the dates you suggested and simply offered you the next available date she has.

How old is your granddaughter?

There are several hings here:

How old is grandchild?

Have you had previous contact and if so how much etc

Who is deciding contact and why is it only 30 mins supervised and supervised by who.

If the answer is that he has in some way abused or threatened her and supervision is by court you will likely have to suck it up until he proves himself and gets more time, HOWEVER if there is nothing you have done to cause problems and you have previous contact regularly you could apply for contact yourself especially if he isn't granted any or continues only having a small amount of time. However if the child is still very small you may not be successful other than for short periods.

If all he has done wrong is to leave, then you need to have a conversation with him to ensure that he is providing for the child, and then provide him with support to gain proper access via the courts if necessary, especially if the child is a bit older and has known him a long time (as opposed to still a babe in arms etc). Then if he is provided proper acess you can have time with DGD when he has her.

Yes I suppose she may have plans. We have had long conversations to keep in touch via messenger and she didn't say that. It was those dates given the distance we need to travel.

Why on earth is he only having supervised contact? He needs to get some legal advice quickly to have proper access.

The sooner SS gets a solicitor to sort out her nonsense the better. Silly woman.

Your step DS needs to get legal advice as most courts allow 50/50 as the norm these days. The mother doesnt get to randomly decide what contact he should have. Is there another reason why he’s not seeing her more? Is she still breastfed? He should be having EOW as the basic starting point. As for your request and her reaction, you’re just going to have to suck it up I’m afraid. There’s nothing stopping you booking a cheap travelodge overnight on the 29th. You don’t have to put your friends out at all so please stop it with that nonsense. You either stay over and see her or you don’t. It’s not rocket science. You have no legal rights and you are relying entirely on her good nature to get visitation. I would strongly advise that you do as she says and keep any negative comments or sarky stuff firmly shut down. Smile sweetly, say thank you and do not engage in any conversation about rights/wrongs etc at all. If you do, you run the risk of her not letting you see the DGD at all again ever. It’s not right but that’s the situation legally and if she’s controlling then she’ll be looking for any excuse to cut you out. Do not cry. Do not do emotional stuff in front of the child. Do not give her any ammo.

yes if its not court appointed supervised visits...well its nonsense.

I would have loved my ex to have wanted our children. I feel for the fathers that do want it and are denied

LO is three years old for PP who asked

If that is what she has decided he doeesnt have to accept it - I think you need to help him with initially seeing a solicitor to write to her to try and get some better contact. The child sounds quite young, but by formalising it it takes an uppr hand she has away and ensures your Step son gets a chance to be close to his daughter. If she doesn't play bal then you need a child arrangements order to settle who has what time with the child.

At three they are often deemed old enough for overnights etc so I would def go the formal route she is being silly if there are no other issues

Hm it's difficult. My ex went no contact with his mum, though he will let her see DD it she contacts by email. She sees her every 6 weeks or so, but wants more so tries to get me to facilitate but I don't want to be in middle so tell her she has to arrange with ex. So basically I think she dsnt have to let you see her, but she does need to make the child available to her father so that he can facilitate the contact. The fact that she's only doing 30 mins supervised makes me question why and why he's accepting it, so feel there's more to this story

Supervised contact doesn't involve the mum staying in another room while the dad visits with the child!!!

Supervision usually occurs where there has been abuse or control or drugs or some other issue where SS have said you cannot have this child unsupervised. It would run alongside drug rehabilitation or other measures.

Unless there is a backstory OP that you don't actually know, and mum is setting it up this way for some unknown reason to you, to ensure safety of her child.

However, if it's just her controlling of things and her preference, she cannot do this and DS doesn't need a solicitor he needs to write up a contact order document that he can get from the court that centres around why it's so important the children's needs for a father are met and that current contact has been deemed supervised only by the mother and he would like and is able to see them much more often than this. All he needs to do is show he's got things set up to look after them, possibly agreed an early finish with work EO Friday so he can pick them up for their weekend, has transport plans worked out and it focused entirely on what's best for the child.