Haven't been allowed to see DGD since Christmas...AIBU

[Livvylovesgin]

So, DGD lives 3 hours away. Step DS and SDIL have separated. DS is only allowed ( by SDIL) 30 mins supervised contact per week ( twice actually in 6 weeks).

We are visiting family near to DGD, in a couple of weeks, and would really like to see DGD.

Last week I offered SDIL a couple of dates ( so 28/29th) when we are nearby. She said she would think about it. She has and come back with the 30th!

AIBU to feel aggrieved that we will be driving over on the 28th, back on the 29th. Then will need to drive over again for the day on the 30th, a round trip of 6 hours!

I’m sure there is more at play here. No parent worth their weight would roll over and accept 30 minutes ‘supervised’ contact a week for absolutely no reason. Would you let someone dictate to you that you could only see your three year old DC for half an hour a week for no real reason? No, nobody willingly would.

Either your DS is hiding some nasty truths about their relationship or he doesn’t give a shit about his DC. He needs to go to court if he really cares, any caring parent would do this. I know courts are an upheaval and not a stress anyone wants but if your DS is a caring and loving Father, it needs to be done so both he and you (his family) can bond with the DC.

Troels you're out of date. Parental alienation is no longer a concept recognised by the courts or cafcass as of 2017 - this was because it was being applied in a sex-discriminatory way against mothers and there was very little evidence to support the theory.

With all due respect Emerald i suspect there's a lot about your BIL's situation you don't know. It sounds like his ex had concerns about the new partner.

If the situation is really as unjust as you say he would be granted much fairer access by the courts in these circumstances. There must be a reason he has chosen not to challenge it.

I think if it's a matter of her sitting in her kitchen for 30 minutes whilst you see your dgd then I'd be tempted not to change dates.
Can you garnered that if you change all your plans to suit her, they she will not then back out of it.
I would be tempted to reply, well that's a shame as we won't be in the area on the 30th so we will leave it until next time.
Make sure your dss gets legal advice.
Perhaps when he gets contact established you can then see your dgd during your dss time.
Sorry you are going through this.
Yes it's true some parents can be shits.

Or as others have said, not visit

But no doubt she would use this against you in the future. Book an air B&B, stay the extra night and see DGD. Why would you not visit if you haven’t seen DGD for so long and have no idea when you will next get to see her?

Mari that claim simply isn't supported by the statistics. Men commit the vast majority of sexual and violent offences against women and children. Courts now take the gendered nature of domestic violence and child abuse into consideration and have to properly consider the risks in each individual cirumstance before making their decision.

Maybe there are drug or other safeguarding issues, maybe it's a controlling mother using the DD to hurt the father. Who knows?

The father may not have the time or the financial resources to fight it. Maybe he thinks if he goes along with what his wife wants, she'll change her mind and let him have more access without it getting nasty.

I would be concerned about the mother 'allowing' a visit by the OP on the 30th though. She might have plans - or possibly she might be banking on the OP having to say she can't make it, so she doesn't get to see her DGD but the mother can smile sweetly and say that she didn't prevent the visit. Call me a cynic, but if the OP either stays over to the 30th or does the two-way drive I wouldn't be at all surprised if suddenly that date doesn't work either.

How long have they been separated?

Why on earth hasn’t he applied for access through the courts if he’s only seen his DD for 2 30 minute sessions in 6 weeks?

It sounds as if his Exwife is being pretty unreasonable but he’s hardly coming across as a committed parent!

Ignoring your SDS's slightly strange access arrangements...

It doesn't really matter whether your SDIL has plans on those dates (although that does sound very plausible) or whether she's deliberately trying to make it difficult for you. If you want to see her then you'll either have to stay one more night or travel up again the next day (sure, three hours each way isn't ideal but it's a one-off).

If it was me I would be going to see my DGD and being friendly and polite to SDIL no matter what my private thoughts were. It sounds like the split could well become acrimonious so a cordial relationship between you and SDIL could really improve your chances of an easy ongoing relationship with your DGD.

I’d be pretty disappointed if I eventually lost contact with my dad as a result of my mum trying to separate us through sheer selfishness ‘missed them too much’
And then find out my dad hadn’t even fought for access. Sorry but your dss sounds like a right wimp. The courts will grant him access and also reduce his payments to her if he has the dc overnight etc.

Oh and I agree with pp saying just suck it up and go.

OP, you don’t say why she wants access to be supervised - and that’s fine. But also you say that you are disappointed that she wouldn’t trust you to supervise the access. I suppose whether she should or not depends on why she wants supervision.

It’s difficult without knowing all the circumstances to know whether she’s being unreasonable. She might be super-controlling and grim, on the other hand she might have genuine concern about your step-son’s behaviour towards his child and a lack of trust in your ability to adhere to her wishes.

Good luck anyway in seeing the child.

Thank you, this thread is supporting my thoughts.

Yes, I know professionally what should happen, all the more frustrating to deal with and much more emotive ( or is it?, I really care about the children I support) when it is your own family. It is important to try and maintain the middle ground and to try and be supportive of them both. Ending the marriage is the right thing for both of them, they are so unhappy.

No reason at all the SDS can't be with his DD. After all he teaches other people's children.
SDIL keeps putting obstacles in the way, so contact once for half an hour, he tried to arrange it for the following week, but was told 'no' SDIL needs two weeks notice. He arranged this, but at the last minute the friend supervising was stuck in traffic ( genuine) so contact was missed...back to two weeks more for notice.

The thread wasn't about their contact so i didn't go into detail. DSS is playing it carefully as SDIL is saying that he is causing her to have panic attacks when she is without LO. She just can't do it.

Back to our trip.

The issue isn't staying longer over there, ( we can book a hotel). The issue is needing to be back home, plans with family here to change, work days to organize etc.

Clearly SDIL doesn't want to see us and I understand that. The thought of her sitting upstairs whilst we visit doesn't feel very comfortable for her or us, an odd situation. Just not sure about it but wanted to try and maintain contact with DGD.
Living away from them, high involvement from SDIL own family who live close by, combined with working full time ( including some weekends) and sharing DGD time with DH's EXW, regular contact for us all as a family has been around school terms. We would have normally spent quality time together during school holidays (changed slightly this time due to differing holidays across LA's and different jobs for us). That is all we are trying to maintain, not wanting to take over their lives.

Appreciate contact may not happen in the short term and in fact maybe in the long term once DSS has more contact, so might we!

He needs to go to court OP. Contact is based on what is best For the child, not how much the mother is affected by it! Your DSS could equally say that he is having panic attacks by being away from his child. But contact isn’t to prevent panic attacks in either parent, so her panic attacks are irrelevant. A relationship with both parents is what the judge will want to maintain. Tell him to get to court.

Actually ILove that's not strictly true any more. Court guidlines have changed.

If there has been domestic abuse and facilitating contact would be detrimental to the victim the court must now take that into account.

Panic attacks would definitely be taken into account now as they may be evidence of trauma relating to abuse. However the court would take into account all evidence.

The court now only assumes contact with both parents to be in the best interests of the child if there is no evidence to the contrary.

There is evidence of panic attacks and medication before SDIL & DSS met, so in this case not related to this marriage.

That would be for Cafcass to assess.

Why isn't your stepson getting something legally drawn up to see his daughter?

She's having panic attacks? Ok, she needs help with that. Absolutely nothing to do with your sons relationship with his daughter.

He needs to get proper access!

Step one for DSS - contact a mediator and arrange an appointment. This will cost him about £100.
Second step - attend the appointment and try to come to a contact arrangement with the mediator's help.
Download and complete the c100(?) form for a child arrangements order.
If they can't come to an agreement or she doesn't turn up the mediator will sign the application form saying he can apply to court.
Step 3 - apply to court, costs about £300

He needs to grow up and go to court for the sake of his Dd. Assuming he’s not an abusive bastard in disguise, that is.

I have panic attacks and am medicated for it; it has not once interfered with contact.

She cannot legally stop him from entering the home (if he’s on the mortgage) or taking his child 50/50 or even more if he so chooses. I wouldn’t advocate him doing this as it could be construed as abusive, but so is she in restricting access if he has done nothing to warrant this. If he can’t get her to come to a reasonable arrangement, then he MUST go to court.

Panic attacks can't be allowed to interfere with the child's relationships with others - what's she going to do when the child is school age? Is this preventing the child from attending nursery and building peer relationships? Your SS absolutely has to get to court for the sake of his daughter's development

This is really odd. I suspect you haven’t been told the full story.

Dippy - odd?

This thread wasn't about their contact really. They are both professional adults who must work through what they have to do now they have separated. There may be some reluctance in seeking legal advice because he is scared of her reaction or because he wants to reconcile. Who knows? We can only guide him and do keep asking if he has been to the solicitor.

I just wanted to know how I moved forward from SDIL response? To ask if we can visit on this date or that, to be then given a third - I was a little surprised given the distance we are travelling.