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AIBU?

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Original poster

Haven't been allowed to see DGD since Christmas...AIBU

132 replies

Livvylovesgin · 10/04/2019 15:35

So, DGD lives 3 hours away. Step DS and SDIL have separated. DS is only allowed ( by SDIL) 30 mins supervised contact per week ( twice actually in 6 weeks).

We are visiting family near to DGD, in a couple of weeks, and would really like to see DGD.

Last week I offered SDIL a couple of dates ( so 28/29th) when we are nearby. She said she would think about it. She has and come back with the 30th!

AIBU to feel aggrieved that we will be driving over on the 28th, back on the 29th. Then will need to drive over again for the day on the 30th, a round trip of 6 hours!

OP posts:
ChillUrBeans · 10/04/2019 16:11

Is SS on the birth certificate? If he is then he has PR, I would phone a local family mediation service - costs about £90.

If he sees solicitor then they will advise he needs to attempt mediation before courts. If she refuses mediation then they will explain the likely alternatives that a court would agree is suitable and for a child that age it is likely to be EOW and then if she still won't budge he an apply to courts, you really do not need the expense of a solicitor at this stage - he may not need to bother, family courts are ok as long as everything is about the child not his rights or moms rights.

RuffleCrow · 10/04/2019 16:15

Very few women would refuse help from a loving, helpful, trustworthy father of dc. It's bloody tough doing it alone and everyone needs a break now and then.

There's probably unaddressed or suspected abuse of some kind that hopefully will come to light in court. It's very common.

Luckily it's very rare for courts to grant 50/50 unless the parents have a close working relationship and it would be in the best interests of the child. There is also now a presumption against interim contact while a fact finding takes place.

Original poster
Livvylovesgin · 10/04/2019 16:20

SDS has tried not to push it, tried giving her time to adjust.

Money is also very limited in terms of him having to pay for a flat as well as the two of them maintaining the family home; involving solicitors would be better avoided for them both.

It is the end of term and he has chance during the day to get legal advice.

As for us, we need to think if we can change plans with other family members to be able to stay away longer.

Or as others have said, not visit.

We would be more than happy to have DGD here to supervise access. Maybe we wait for some legal intervention and pick contact up once SDS has his contact in place.

Slight concern over agreeing the date, changing plans, then the date being changed again.

We can post Easter cards and books!

OP posts:
ChillUrBeans · 10/04/2019 16:24

Very few women would refuse help from a loving, helpful, trustworthy father of dc. I would disagree to an extent - I agree most would love the support and I understand that the NRP can be useless - I have one myself.

I also though have had to support DH going to court twice for his DC's in the past, the first time Ex backed down on the day and EOW was resumed immediately. The 2nd time she spouted so many lies about DH and me and was pushing for supervised access as we were drug abusers and physically abused her DD, turned up at court and took it all back, cried to her own solicitor and insisted that we have them EW. Sol told her that it would have to be agreed by Judge so they still had to go in, she even had a lift home from court with us a whilst her and DH were getting it signed off she left DSS sat on my lap - her solicitor must have thought she was nuts.

I work in an office full of women and at least 2 are NRP themselves and several openly admit they stop their DC's dads seeing them if they dn't agree to a change or won't increase maintenance etc

It is very disappointing but unfortunately very true

ChillUrBeans · 10/04/2019 16:27

We would be more than happy to have DGD here to supervise access. If what you have said is true and she is only allowing supervised access because she doesn't want to leave LO why would you feel he needs supervising - he doesn't, LO has the right to have meaningful relationship with her dad.

Original poster
Livvylovesgin · 10/04/2019 16:28

It's only DSD calling it 'supervised access' - no one else!

My partner and I are both professionals working in education, with huge responsibilities for the education and safeguarding of children.

Sad that DSD said that legally she had been advised that we can't do the 'supervision' either!

Disappointed that she doesn't know us better than that both professionally and as part of her family!

OP posts:
Original poster
Livvylovesgin · 10/04/2019 16:29

chill we don't, just trying to ease the way.

OP posts:
ChillUrBeans · 10/04/2019 16:34

Sad that DSD said that legally she had been advised that we can't do the 'supervision' either!

But you are both professionals - stop listening to the nonsense she is spouting and find out for yourselves.

Honestly a quick google on how family courts and supervised contact works

www.ourfamilywizard.co.uk/blog/making-most-supervised-contact

Not sure how to link properly but here is what it says if it is ordered but it isn't.

The only thing i would say is be honest with yourself about how much DS really wants to bein this LO life because he appears very laid back about it - even though you say it was to give her time BUT sine Christmas is a long time to allow someone to adjust and not find out where he stands. If he isn't that bothered and you are pushing because you are you will open yourself up for a lot more heartache.

ChillUrBeans · 10/04/2019 16:38

Sorry I crossed posts with you, please if your DS is really wanting to get this sorted start mediation ASAP - sometimes knowing she will be called out on her BS may make her see that she is not acting in the best interests of LO.

My guess is that someone has told her that she can insist on SC and that person has probably been through or has outdated opinions on how the family courts see contact.

notatwork · 10/04/2019 16:40

There's more here than meets the eye and for whatever reason your SDIL is protecting her baby from being alone with your DSS.
If your DSS is going along with it he's acknowledging the concern.
Be careful here, and if you want contact do not use it as an opportunity to put your DSS and DGD together without the DSIL being present.

notatwork · 10/04/2019 16:40

SDIL.

EmeraldShamrock · 10/04/2019 16:44

Very few women would refuse help from a loving, helpful, trustworthy father of dc
Exteremly false.
Lots of women use the DC against the DF, especially if the split was one sided. I've saw it many times. My BIL meet another women, months after he split with ex, his ex immediately stopped contact, he adores his DD and has been single now for 5 years, he knows well his ex would have a fit if he moved on, it is better if they are pleasant for the childs sake.
DC are used by parents all the time, until the courts can decide, it is take it or leave it.

AnnieOH1 · 10/04/2019 16:45

I will go back and read the full thread but what occurred to me is that you, the grandparents, haven't asked to see grandchild in 4 months. You've instead offered dates when you're in the area anyway, because that's what's convenient to you and at short notice at that with it being the holiday period. If I'm correct in all that I can completely understand mom not willing to bend backwards for you.

EmeraldShamrock · 10/04/2019 16:47

Was there police involved in the break up, is taking drugs, there must be something he is covering.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 10/04/2019 16:47

Very strange that your stepson hasn’t sorted out his contact before now. When did they split? He has only seen his child twice for 30 minutes supervised in 6 weeks. That should have been his priority when they first split.

Troels · 10/04/2019 16:48

Very few women would refuse help from a loving, helpful, trustworthy father of dc
Not true, there are many women who use their children as a power play. Look up parental alienation. It affects not just the children but all the relatives.

kbPOW · 10/04/2019 16:56

Not short of Troels on this thread!

BeaLola · 10/04/2019 17:21

I'm ignoring the issue of contact between SDS & SDIL & just thinking of your trip.

So your trip is to family if I understand correctly ? Are you able to tag on an extra night so you can then see DGD on 30th & then drive home therefore avoiding 3 hrs extra driving as per your post ? If its a no because you are staying with family & don't want to impose I would book a Travelodge or similar for the 29th evening to facilitate you having the 30th then to see DGD & the extra drive - the cost offset by petrol/time involved plus chance to see beloved DGD + will show your commitment to keeping relationship inspite of couples split - win win.

Dippypippy1980 · 10/04/2019 17:26

Your step son has agreed to some very odd access arrangements.

Either there was some form of abuse, or other worries with your step son (addition or unsafe behaviour), or his ex is crackers.

It would b lovely of you could see your step grand daughter, but it is more important for your step son to sort out this access. If he poses no threat to the child this arrangement is very damaging to his daughter.

FerdinandsMightyTesticles · 10/04/2019 17:26

Not true, there are many women who use their children as a power play. Look up parental alienation. It affects not just the children but all the relatives.

As we all know single mothers are just inundated with requests to help and babysit so why would they ever want help from the child's father? Hmm

Waveysnail · 10/04/2019 17:26

I'd play ball if you can. Stay extra night in travel.lodge and visit grandchild. Perhaps shes testing how serious you are about contact?

Chocolateisfab · 10/04/2019 17:30

You mention 6 weeks of this.... He has an appointment coming up .
He should have seen one weeks ago. . A judge will enquire why he hasn't already applied for proper access I would imagine.
The legal route is the only one for exes like her. Her need to keep her dd is not more important than the dd's need to see her df. If you ds's can prove she is doing this for her own reasoning it won't look well for her either. He needs to step up this week.

smallereveryday · 10/04/2019 17:32

No time to post now as busy but will be back later to explain how he really doesn't need a lawyer !! Just the court .

DointItForTheKids · 10/04/2019 17:35

Small is right - you just get the relevant papers, fill them in, show how you have the child's best interests at heart, and off you go to family court - it's that simple.

Mari50 · 10/04/2019 17:48

And as usual the MN bias.....
As we all know single mothers are just inundated with requests to help and babysit so why would they ever want help from the child's father?
There's more here than meets the eye and for whatever reason your SDIL is protecting her baby from being alone with your DSS.
Very few women would refuse help from a loving, helpful, trustworthy father of dc. It's bloody tough doing it alone and everyone needs a break now and then.
There are as many unpleasant controlling women out there as useless men. I can quite easily see a situation where a woman would purposefully thwart her ex’s attempts to see their children. It’s got feck all to do with childcare and everything to do with control and jealousy (often)
I’m not saying that this is necessarily the situation here but the fact that so many posters are rushing to say that it’s incredibly unusual for a woman to deny her ex access is laughable. It’s not.

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