Haven't been allowed to see DGD since Christmas...AIBU

[Livvylovesgin]

So, DGD lives 3 hours away. Step DS and SDIL have separated. DS is only allowed ( by SDIL) 30 mins supervised contact per week ( twice actually in 6 weeks).

We are visiting family near to DGD, in a couple of weeks, and would really like to see DGD.

Last week I offered SDIL a couple of dates ( so 28/29th) when we are nearby. She said she would think about it. She has and come back with the 30th!

AIBU to feel aggrieved that we will be driving over on the 28th, back on the 29th. Then will need to drive over again for the day on the 30th, a round trip of 6 hours!

It is odd that your step daughter in law is withholding access, claiming access gives her panic attacks and involving her friends in suoervising contact.

This is clearly the context for your step daughter in law also being strange about you seeing your step granddaughter. I don’t think you can separate the two issues.

It’s very straightforward for you to text you step daughter in law and explain that aren’t free that day. That is what most reasonable adult would do, however there is clearly something else going on here - no one here knows which parent has the issue.

You clearly don’t have a great relationship with your step daughter in law.

Sorry if I offended, but you must admit his is a very unusual situation.

Do you, or you husband, have contact with any of he other grandparents - they must also be concerned.

WheresMyVagina unfortunately, mediation is not allowed where there has been, or the mediator suspects, domestic abuse. They would have to proceed directly to court. Perhaps there hasn't been, but the signs are all there. Whether the OP knows the full story but isn't saying remains to be seen.

As the dc lived with you for a time you can apply for contact for yourselves.

No, SDIL and I have had a good relationship. We've not really had a MIL/DIL type relationship, more friends. We have had some contact via messenger since the separation, perhaps once a week. I'm careful to ask how she is, to ask about DGD and avoid any criticism of the situation. I have experienced being a single parent so sometimes share those experiences rather than directly talk about hers.

Other grandparents...DH EXW has been allowed to visit once, but this took a lot of organizing and persuading.

SDIL parents live very close by. Contact every day, care for DGD when her parents are at work, often sleep over, frequently help with housework, food shopping, and cooking.

You have also majored on your jobs, and are dissapointed that she doesn’t know you better professionally. Do your work with your step sons wife?

Also, the fact that your step son is teacher doesn’t mean he can’t be enough guilty of some form of domestic abuse. While I appreciate working in that area means you are subject to checks for convictions, it does not mean you have a better character than the general population.

I know some wonderful people who work in that area, and also some selfish, petty and cruel people. Just like any other walk of life.

Domestic abuse...possibly. DSS in the lead up to the wedding did say he was scared to ask if his brothers gf could attend. (We sneaked her in to the night 'do').

He has lost all,of his friends, isn't allowed contact.
Is withdrawn and spends long hours at work.
Isn't allowed family to stay.
Is scared to challenge for fear of her panic attacks.
Has asked us for money and when we have refused has said ' you are putting me in an awful,position ...how am I going to tell ( SDIL) ...she wants it NOW.

Don't know what to think?

My ex is a very successful senior teacher. He smothered me with a pillow with the children in the next room.

Abusive men don't come with 'abuser' stamped on their foreheads. They are often charming and successful.

If ex dil has no reasonable grounds for only "allowing" supervised access under such restrictive conditions then hopefully your stepson will soon have more time with his child via the family court and you will be able to see them together.

But come on op! Aren't you a bit worried about her extreme reaction to the father of her child? Do you really believe she would do all this out of spite? Be honest with yourself. Surely the vast majority of lone parents would prefer to share parental responsibility and access if all is well other than a straightforward breakdown in their relationship.

And extremely good at casting themselves as the victim.

Do you know what the reason for the split was OP?

You sneaked someone into her wedding and now you're surprised she's not making your request easy for you?

My best friend in school’s dad was an emotionally abusive, highly functioning alcoholic. And the headmaster.

It would be a shame if this little girl lost contact with her grandfather and step grandmother over this. It’s good she hasn contact with her maternal grandparents and has seen her paternal grandmother.

But I think you need to take a step back until you know what is going on her. Something is up.

I missed the part where you said the granddaughter lived with you - again that seems odd given how close she is to her maternal gran parents, and there seems to be a slightly better relationship with you step sons mum.

The reason given is 'unhappy'. They met online, a fairy tale!
They married very quickly. DSS moved away from his job, area and friends to be with his new wife.
It hasn't worked out. He feels 'cut off', she feels she doesn't want to make changes to include him more.
They don't have sex, she doesn't like it very much. She makes him sleep on the sofa.

They were booked to go to counseling together. We paid. He went, she wouldn't.

I am finding it difficult to go into this.

I wasn't posting to explore the 'ins and outs' of their marriage. Just to think through how to follow up the message about the visit I was trying to arrange.

I wouldn't talk to the ex anymore.

Just support your ds and get proactive and make a plan with him to act now. He doesn't need lawyers yet. This is rediculous!! If there is no backstory and he is not an abusive danger then he should be having completely shared residency!! You will then have plenty of opportunities to see the child.

No, we 'sneaked' into THEIR wedding, with DSS knowledge, his brothers gf ( of 4 years). It was a night do of 200!

I think you are too close to your step sons relationship😬😬.

Also remember you are only hearing one side of this.

It’s great your step sons mum has seen her grand daughter. For the sounds of it you may have to wait until your step son has resolved whatever issues there are and then visit with his daughter on his days.

No, she doesn't/didn't live with us.

Your DSS doesn’t sound very bothered about contact

He is going along with absolutely minimal contact for a variety of reasons (yes you say he is effectively scared of her or her reaction)

Heaven and earth wouldn’t stop me fighting to see my kids.
Sorry but why isn’t he going down every available path to ensure he gets proper contact?

Something is odd

But as for your issue- she isn’t keen and isn’t going to make it easy. There may be an element of control with the dates. But if I were you I’d show willing and change plans if I could so I could have the time that’s offered. Your DGD won’t know who you are soon unless you start seeing her. 3 year olds forget very quickly.

I’d be trying to clarify why DSS isn’t obtaining proper contact. Your best opportunity to see DGD is when she is with him ultimately.

Is he 3 hours away from DGD and her mum too? That won’t make contact easy.

I too suspect there is more to this story.

How well do you know your SDIL? Does she have a history of unreasonable behaviour? If not why on earth would she insist that the father of her child only have such limited access? Your step DS is going along with this because...?

Your title suggests you have been kept away from your GD for months on end but actually you live 3 hours away and this is the first time you’ve attempted to visit in 4 months. 4 months is an eternity to a 3 year old. You want your SDIL and GD to fit in around your already established plans rather than asking your SDIL what might suit them and when they might be available. I can see why she isn’t jumping through hoops to see you, tbh.

Omg why on earth are you privy to the details of their sex life? And if he has a professional job why were you paying for counselling?

Now you just sound creepy and controlling and over involved. No wonder she is holding you a bit at arms length.

Yes, I am hearing one side...I have more contact from SDIL than DSS.

Privy to details because she confided in me. She said she couldn't talk to anyone about it.

I think it is time to leave this.

I feel under pressure here to justify myself....and I don't know why. I wanted to do the right thing. I have had a great relationship with SDIL and have tried to support them both (sometimes, from a distance and with visits once(ish) per term.

We paid for counseling because they are a young couple, at the time on maternity pay, new house, new car, new teaching job (mature student). They decided to go for counseling. My DH paid.

I explained earlier that for our family including SDIL, contact at the end of each school term is the norm.

That is all we were trying to continue with.

Feel rubbish!

I do hope this gets resolved. Break ups are tough - particularly when (well meaning) parents and step parents get involved and people seem to take sides.

I am sure it will all calm down and proper access will be established.

I hope you and your husband see his granddaughter soon.

Op there is clearly more to this.

Sneaking into weddings? Knowing details of her not liking sex, and getting involved as a "friend" (you cannot be impartial here, you're the MIL!), Paying for counseling despite the professional jobs... It sounds messy.

I suggest like the others... Focus less on asserting your rights here in terms of expectations (hint: you're not a third parent with custody rights!) or expecting her to work around facilitating access for you...

Your better bet, healthier and more reasonable in the long term, is to support your DS with getting access. Make sure he's paying for his kids and expect him to facilitate your relationship with the grandchildren... You seem to expect an awful lot of your DIL whilst condemning her as a person...

Your relationship to the grandchildren is through him not her, and that's who you need to focus on here.....