Haven't been allowed to see DGD since Christmas...AIBU

[Livvylovesgin]

So, DGD lives 3 hours away. Step DS and SDIL have separated. DS is only allowed ( by SDIL) 30 mins supervised contact per week ( twice actually in 6 weeks).

We are visiting family near to DGD, in a couple of weeks, and would really like to see DGD.

Last week I offered SDIL a couple of dates ( so 28/29th) when we are nearby. She said she would think about it. She has and come back with the 30th!

AIBU to feel aggrieved that we will be driving over on the 28th, back on the 29th. Then will need to drive over again for the day on the 30th, a round trip of 6 hours!

Also OP seems to have only very recently married into this family. no people I know who have married much later in life to people with grown up children assume the role of parent and grandparents to their spouses family. She admits herself she is more like a friend.

In her position I would step back (excuse the pun).

I agree with Namestheyareachangin

It also sounds like you resent that she's closer to her parents. I'll imagine they see alot more of their GC because they help your SDIL as opposed to dipping out of the child's life weeks/months at a time. Yes you have commitments as do we all, but if you didn't see/prioritise the child all that much before they separated I'm not surprised your SDIL isn't bending over backwards to facilitate your visit now. Reap what you sow and all that.

Decision made!

We won't be seeing our DGD just yet but hopeful for the future.

Having chatted with SDIL we agreed to the '3rd' date, as suggested, changed working days and booked a hotel.

I appreciate that visiting DGD whilst in the area may seem like we were doing it as it was convenient to us, I hadn't meant it that way, so thank you for pointing that out. Art of communication eh!
For me, I'd hoped it felt like less pressure on SDIL as we weren't making a 6 hour round trip and expecting to be at their house for a couple of hours or more. I thought there was less pressure in that we could 'pop' in for a cuppa as we were close by, if meeting up was stressful we could leave, if everyone was relaxed stay longer. Overthinking maybe!

Having let SDIL know we would see them on the 3rd date, SDIL has changed the trip to the first date.
I haven't made a big deal of it, this is a stressful time for everyone.
More open discussion has followed, I recognize that she feels stressed by us being there and that she feels the meeting will be too difficult. To accommodate the first date she said she was going to collect DGD early from a sleepover too, but that she would miss some fun during the morning.

I've left it positive, that we recognize that we should see DGD through DSS, rather than through SDIL. We will wait for his legal advice today.

I hope that he has a productive meeting with them Livvy, it is a stressful time but hopefully it will be sorted soon when he gets the right advice.

she said she was going to collect DGD early from a sleepover she clearly doesn't have that much of a problem with panic attacks and anxiety about leaving LO with other people so at least that won't stand up. I do hope that this is resolved soon for everyone including your SDIL and DGD.

Really hope all will go well. You sound like an amazing person to absorb all this and make such an effort.

My in laws love our kids and I love them but we do only see them the equivalent of once every couple of months and they live much closer than 3 miles away. And dh and I are haopolu married so no issues.

So not everyone sees their grandkids daily, weekly or even monthly.

She is using that child as a weapon and will continue to do so.

You need to woman up and support him into pushing for proper access and a clean break. She needs a fucking wake up call, she'll be able to have her 'panic attacks ' in peace when the child's spending time with her dad.

Honestly, stop dilly dallying and issue a few boots up a few arses.

Rubbish. She's doing what she can to protect her child and her own mental health - and well within her rights to do so. If this dss is as blameless as you assume that will come out in court. If not, that will also be shown. Good luck to her.