Was I being invasive? I can't decide!

[WhyReschedule]

I've been looking after a friend's DD today and I cleaned her downstairs from top to bottom.

Not out of rudeness, just because I genuinely adore cleaning. I thought she wouldn't mind since her DD is older and happy. Was offered different entertainments by me, etc etc. My own DC was there too but a baby so not of any companionship to her.

Friend came home and said "Blimey! You really have outdone yourself". Her DD even said she hoped I would look after her again. The atmosphere was randomly very tense.

I just left not 15 minutes ago and have received a text saying "Next time you look after DD please don't worry about the housework, you're there to look after her. Not the house. Please just leave it".

AIBU to think this is a bit rude? I feel extremely upset that I would make someone feel down or upset. I really didn't want to offend and did text as much back.

I know a lot of people dislike cleaning and it's something I genuinely enjoy. Most people are over the moon if I offer or do jobs for them. MIL once cried with happiness on return to her clean house from a long day of working.

I wouldn't be happy.

You've unwittingly sent the message to your friend that you think their house is so filthy you felt compelled to clean it yourself.

You overstepped the boundary. You were there to look after her child. She may think you were nosing into her things.

I think if you had offered then it would have been OK. Cleaning someone's house without asking is rude. It implies they are incapable and dirty.

I did wash my friends dishes once as a kindness but they had both been on a week of night shifts. I did not scrub their entire house.

I think you needed to ask but for the record, you’re a great friend! So don’t give it much more thought, just ask the house owner first. Something like ‘I love to keep busy and doing housework can I do some laundry or tidy some cupboards for you while I’m there?’. That way you’re not implying you found their house dirty.

You overstepped OP. I’d be very uncomfortable if someone took it upon themselves to clean my home unasked and in my absence.

Yes I think you were invasive. I would not have been happy at all if you'd done that and probably wouldn't ask you to help with DD again.

I'd love this from my mum or MIL but I remember my ex's cousins staying with us once as older teens and doing a clean when I was out and I felt judged. I didn't express it though as they were just being kind!

Can easily see that she would feel that you thought her house was dirty though. You didn't mean anything but kindness so don't take it to heart.

I can understand the personal boundary thing but I didn't see it as an issue since we've both been pissed and showed each other and other friends our nipples and stretch marks

There aren't really any personal things at all in the kitchen and living room.

Perhaps the ironing was a bit much...

You have to ask first. I wouldn't be happy.

Even my mother understands these boundaries, and that's something! 🙊

I see this from both sides, I would have been over the moon if someone came to my house and cleaned it for me but I can also so see how it could be interpreted as either an invasion of privacy or a slight against your friends cleanliness.

I hope you text back saying sorry and you didn't mean to offend and didn't text back and tell her she's rude though? She certainly wasn't rude for telling you she didn't appreciate it. It was rude to just clean her house without asking her or being asked.

Perhaps the ironing was a bit much...

You don't say😂

Sounds like you do this a lot, overstep boundaries... ‘most people’ are happy, this friend was not. I wouldn’t be either.

I'd love a friend like you when can you come to mine

I honestly wouldn't be offended but my house is never that bad anyway.

I appreciate that you meant well, but I think a lot of people would have felt invaded and criticised that you felt their house was so dirty you sidelined babysitting to clean it. I certainly would have, and I'm not someone who is unduly sensitive or worried about what others think of me. It was overstepping the mark. I don't think she was rude in her response, she was being clear -- she had been trying to be polite face to face in front of her daughter.

You will no doubt get responses which say they would be thrilled if someone cleaned their house, but I think you should have checked first, if you were really so bored or disturbed by the state of the house.

Are you free tomorrow to mind my dog? I'll leave the cleaning cupboard door open and the ironing in the kitchen....

You were, but nothing that you shouldn't be able to fix with an apology. People can be more or less sensitive to hidden messages in somebody cleaning their house. I'd apologize unreservedly and say that you didn't mean to hurt her feelings or overstep her boundaries. You genuinely love cleaning, was feeling a little restless as her daughter was so [something positive], thought it would be a nice surprise ... something about how your MIL was so happy when you cleaned at hers and how it's always more fun to clean someone else's house (true fact actually) ... lay on the apology thick and promise not to do it again, that's all.

AIBU to think this is a bit rude?

YABU. You have made her feel like you think her house is dirty and in need of a good clean. I would be mortified in her shoes.

Hf I did text back apologising and saying I didn't mean to offend, etc etc. I didn't tell her I thought she was being a bit rude

l would love it

Well I for one would have been elated if it'd been me . It seems like you were just trying to do something nice/keep busy etc.

But I can understand some people might be a bit offended by it, like you were trying to insinuate that their house is dirty and needed a good clean.

The first part of her message is fine, she could have worded it slightly better, maybe thank you but honestly, you shouldn't have gone to the trouble etc but that last part 'just leave it' does imply she is a bit pissed at you and took it as an insult.

I would be mortified if you cleaned my house. Even if it obviously needed it. It's an inferred criticism and I'd be so embarrassed. Even friends that have seen my nips and stretchmarks

I’m happy to be your friend

And also, OP, in the nicest possible way genuinely, because you're clearly sincere I would be wondering what about someone's inner life filled them with the desire to clean someone else's house, unasked, and made them take pleasure in doing so.

I think most people would find it invasive, although a few would be delighted. And it’s not what she asked you to do.

Are you my Mum? She does this and I find it incredibly rude. It’s like your house isn’t good enough for them, and therefore has to be up to their ‘special’ standard. It’s hard enough my Mum doing it (despite telling her not to whenever she babysits), I go spare if a friend did.

You meant to be kind I know, but it’s incredibly invasive.