Was I being invasive? I can't decide!

[WhyReschedule]

I've been looking after a friend's DD today and I cleaned her downstairs from top to bottom.

Not out of rudeness, just because I genuinely adore cleaning. I thought she wouldn't mind since her DD is older and happy. Was offered different entertainments by me, etc etc. My own DC was there too but a baby so not of any companionship to her.

Friend came home and said "Blimey! You really have outdone yourself". Her DD even said she hoped I would look after her again. The atmosphere was randomly very tense.

I just left not 15 minutes ago and have received a text saying "Next time you look after DD please don't worry about the housework, you're there to look after her. Not the house. Please just leave it".

AIBU to think this is a bit rude? I feel extremely upset that I would make someone feel down or upset. I really didn't want to offend and did text as much back.

I know a lot of people dislike cleaning and it's something I genuinely enjoy. Most people are over the moon if I offer or do jobs for them. MIL once cried with happiness on return to her clean house from a long day of working.

Info = undo

I also got a bit distracted by the meaning of "downstairs". It does come across as implied criticism, you've taken that on board now and apologised. Next time just explain your love of cleaning and ask, then you might get a happy face.

Do you do gardens?

I’d be really embarrassed and quite furious actually. If you had asked, ‘If there anything I can do for you around the house?’ then she would at least have a chance to say no. You went straight ahead and messed about with her personal space without any regard for her feelings, just yours because you like cleaning and you wanted to.

Many people see their own house as their safe space, where they shouldn’t have to keep up appearances or compromise and you basically invaded that. How would you feel if someone decided to dig over your garden in your absence because they felt like it and because they thought it was an improvement and they were doing you a favour? I’d bet a penny to a pound as well, that she said that about the housework because she thought you’d be judging her. I wouldn’t be expecting her to ask you to look after her DC again if I were you.

Tixie She's 8.5. We did colouring, made cupcakes and watched a film with popcorn and stuff. The rest of the time she was playing dolls house, watching iPad or writing in her books.

You meant well but I understand your friend’s annoyance and why she has taken offence, I think I would too.

If her child is young it's possible she was more mad about you not having your full attention on her DD than the actual cleaning thing. Thinking about it, that would probably worry me a little bit if you were looking after my child who was very young.

Nuno perhaps a cross post but I did say previously she isn't a young child, not really anyway

There was a time in my life when my house was really bad although I didn’t realise how bad it was at the time. It was all part and parcel of depression and not coping. If someone had done this for me I would have been torn. Part of me would have been very grateful but I think the bigger part of me would have been full of shame that someone else had seen how bad it was and felt the need to improve it.

Well done on apologising OP. I hope you both get past this.

I wouldn't have liked it either OP and I would also be wondering what my DC was doing when you were cleaning so much!

I’m happy to be your friend!! I hate cleaning so would always be happy if someone loved it! That said if I knew I had a friend babysitting I’d prob make sure the house was fairly clean and tidy before so they wouldn’t need to!

Wouldn't bother me at all just now. I'm impressed you did all that plus looked after a baby and did activities with an eight year old

However when DD was born and I was feeling vulnerable and like I was failing I would have hated it.

I can see you meant it kindly OP, don't take it too much to heart.

Rather than feeling as though you were snooping or overstepping the mark, it might be that she was worried that you thought she was hinting that she wanted you to clean. So she might have been embarrassed that you'd felt expected to clean rather than doing it from the goodness of your heart.

You can mind my dds anytime op!!

She did say earlier that morning that she was beside herself with annoyance at the state of the house since she couldn't be bothered all week so just to ignore the mess. I suppose I took that as a free pass to be a cleaning fairy

I would have thought the same. I would also struggle to ''ignore the mess" if it hadn't been done for a week. She could have tidied up if it bothers her so much.

You've apologised, that's enough. Next time watch the kid at yours maybe.

Can you be my friend?

Please come round to my house with your baby and look after my son any time.

You may struggle though as he's just started walking and into everything.

In fact- I'll take him out and you can look aftermy house instead. ;)

I would love a friend like you

IMO, your friend was not being at all rude. You were. She felt uncomfortable and judged by your actions.

What I was saying is that it's only embarrassing because of pride.

But you should have some pride in your home! That doesn’t mean having to keep it to other people’s standards just in case they decide to clean it for you, but remember it’s your private space. My home isn’t a show home, I’m always moaning about being behind on something - that’s never an invitation to clean my house though!

What the OP did was belittling. Yes, as is evident here most of us don’t enjoy the task but having an interfering friend who does enjoy it, going through you home silently judging your standards, isn’t a good alternative.

I love how seeing someone’s nipples means that you get to clean their house.

Come and clean my house. Please may I keep my nipples to myself though?

Op, you really do sound like a sweet person. Your heart was in the right place and hopefully your friend will see that.

It’s one thing your friend commenting on the untidiness of her own house; it’s quite another you not knowing where the boundary lies.

Please be my friend. I have 1 year old twins who will definitely need more looking after than an 8.5 year old, but if you find time to clean top to bottom as well I will be eternally grateful. Rifle through whatever drawers you like. Couldn't care less.

Do you live near me - here's a key .

My sister's MIL was like this so anytime she was due to visit DS would make a point of not cleaning her house for a while and let her MIL at it for as long as she wanted. She would wipe down counters, clean floors, toilets, iron - whatever she could find tbh. Everybody was happy . I think initially DS was a bit put out but she got used to it very quickly.

She's 8.5. We did colouring, made cupcakes and watched a film with popcorn and stuff. The rest of the time she was playing dolls house, watching iPad or writing in her books

You did all that and tidied! Including ironing?! Fuck me, you're a domestic goddess.

I want to be you

ruby Mine is toddling along now too! Bring him along

I’d find it massively intrusive and be extremely pissed off. It’s not just about the message it’s sending your friend about what you think of her cleaning standards, but also the fact you’ve been all over her things - what if she’s left personal papers etc lying around. I’m surprised you’re surprised by her reaction, I think she’s been restrained. Whether or not you had good intentions, you utterly overstepped what’s polite and not given a thought about how it comes across.

I can see both points to be honest but the "Next time you babysit" would really fucking irritate me! I'd have text back
"Wow sorry, it seems I crossed a line, I thought I was being helpful, I am sorry if I offended. We will leave it there but there won't be a next time, in case you ask and I offend you again when I say no"