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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I being invasive? I can't decide!

412 replies

WhyReschedule · 08/04/2019 16:10

I've been looking after a friend's DD today and I cleaned her downstairs from top to bottom.

Not out of rudeness, just because I genuinely adore cleaning. I thought she wouldn't mind since her DD is older and happy. Was offered different entertainments by me, etc etc. My own DC was there too but a baby so not of any companionship to her.

Friend came home and said "Blimey! You really have outdone yourself". Her DD even said she hoped I would look after her again. The atmosphere was randomly very tense.

I just left not 15 minutes ago and have received a text saying "Next time you look after DD please don't worry about the housework, you're there to look after her. Not the house. Please just leave it".

AIBU to think this is a bit rude? Blush I feel extremely upset that I would make someone feel down or upset. I really didn't want to offend and did text as much back.

I know a lot of people dislike cleaning and it's something I genuinely enjoy. Most people are over the moon if I offer or do jobs for them. MIL once cried with happiness on return to her clean house from a long day of working.

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 08/04/2019 16:20

This is just such a weird thing to do!! Why oh why would you do it?!

SoyDora · 08/04/2019 16:21

Yes it was invasive. You have given her the impression that you think her house is filthy. You were there to look after her daughter and that’s all you needed to do.

Original poster
WhyReschedule · 08/04/2019 16:21

Okay, I see I was the rude one Blush

I have apologised so hopefully I am soon to be forgiven!

I get so carried away, I must remind myself to stop. She did say earlier that morning that she was beside herself with annoyance at the state of the house since she couldn't be bothered all week so just to ignore the mess. I suppose I took that as a free pass to be a cleaning fairy.

My mistake.

OP posts:
JoinTheMicrodots · 08/04/2019 16:22

This is joke, surely? You rifled through your friend's clean laundry pile and cupboards, and you need to ask whether you were being invasive?? Confused

ANutAsBigAsABoulder · 08/04/2019 16:22

Sounds like you’ve made your friend feel awkward and judged. Her message is a bit terse but it’s because she is angry. I’ve come home to my sisters having cleaned bits if my house when babysitting. It makes me feel as though they’ve been waiting for me to leave so that they can get stuck in and show how my house should look. It makes me feel invaded and looked down on. And they make make it worse by pulling the “Look what I’ve done for you, it was really nothing.” card. Makes me feel like they see me as lazy and with low standards.

AgentProvocateur · 08/04/2019 16:23

When my DC we’re small, my friend used to babysit and is gone back to a changed bed / ironing /washed dishes /hoovered floors. I think I cried with happiness, but I do think other people find it invasive. I’m grateful to anyone who cleans and tidies for me.

Original poster
WhyReschedule · 08/04/2019 16:23

Join No, she just has a ironing pile so I ironed it.

I didn't go through her cupboards, just went in one to get cleaning stuff and the other to put the washing up stuff away

OP posts:
Mia1415 · 08/04/2019 16:25

I'd be absolutely fuming if a friend did this. Luckily none of my close friends would dream of doing it without asking. And if they asked me, I'd say no!

Sorry, I'm sure you had the best intentions but I think you were very invasive and rude.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 08/04/2019 16:25

As much as I dislike cleaning and would be delighted if it magically got done for me, I would still feel that you thought I was a right slob. I would think that you found my house so dirty that you were unable to ignore it and just play with my DD. I would be uncomfortable to invite you back. My standards are pretty low I admit so if your friend's are higher she must be feeling even worse. Another time offer first, text to say you love ironing or whatever, but don't do much more than a sinkful of dishes off your own bat. If it was cleaning out a rabbit cage, or something the DD could be involved in, you might get away with it.

But come and visit me anytime and I'll cope with feeling judged.

namechangedandfeelingglum · 08/04/2019 16:25

I wish you were my friend!

Mapril · 08/04/2019 16:26

I've been looking after a friend's DD today and I cleaned her downstairs from top to bottom

Right, I had to read that twice, slowly, before getting what you meant Blush. In my defence, I think it was the word 'invasive' in the title that threw me off.

Yabu anyway. I'd be horrified by this, really.

Original poster
WhyReschedule · 08/04/2019 16:28

Mapril Gosh, how embarrassing of me Blush No bottom wiping here!

OP posts:
DoneLikeAKipper · 08/04/2019 16:28

It is invasive, and quite frankly offensive. Who on earth did you think you were doing such a thing? ‘Oh I love cleaning’, well I’m sure you have your own house to be getting on with instead of interfering with others’. Then you have the cheek to find your friend rude? I’d honestly probably not talk to you again if you embarrassed me like you have your friend.

I can’t actually believe this is real, surely you have some insight into your utterly inappropriate behaviour?

namechangedandfeelingglum · 08/04/2019 16:28

@Mapril Grin

2birds1stone · 08/04/2019 16:30

Will you be my friend?

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 08/04/2019 16:30

When yo usay 'top to bottom - do you mean you

(a) did the dishwasher and faffed with a dishcloth
Or
(b) you lugged out the sofas, did the windows, individually hoovered each and every book ?

If the answer is (b) - would you like my address ?

PeachesAndMayo · 08/04/2019 16:30

I could use a friend like you. I hate cleaning. I wouldn't criticise. I might even leave a meal in the fridge for you to eat half way through....

Cliffdonville · 08/04/2019 16:31

I would love this! I think you should have asked though as I can see why some people wouldn't like it

oh4forkssake · 08/04/2019 16:33

I'd be offended if someone did that at my house.

Well done for apologising

Susanna30 · 08/04/2019 16:34

I wouldn't mind if you cleaned my house. But I see that it does cross a line. I hope she isn't cross op, you clearly never meant any harm.

I once offended a friend by answering a her door. The doorbell went at her house and she had her hands full with 2 babies. I just got up and answered the door thinking it was helpful & a bit of an automatic response. My friend wasn't happy and thought it was odd I'd done that. Which I do understand. Lesson learnt, & don't worry op, we all make mistakes here and there.

Petalflowers · 08/04/2019 16:35

Definitely out. Okay to clean and clear anything you used, and maybe run a hoover around if you made a mess, but top to bottom cleaning, no.

If someone did that to me, I would feel they felt I was inadequate, even if they didn’t mean this.

EleanorOalike · 08/04/2019 16:35

I’d be really upset and can’t imagine what would go through someone’s head to take it upon themselves to clean an entire house and go through their laundry without asking. I was brought up that you don’t touch people’s things without permission. It’s very invasive.

Your friend has a good point. Your main priority should have been her child. Not her/her partner’s housework.

LostInShoebiz · 08/04/2019 16:36

Just cause you’ve seen her nips doesn’t mean you have carte blanche to do what you like in her house. Did you have a kip in her bed too?

NunoGoncalves · 08/04/2019 16:36

People would be unhappy about this? Jeez, so much pride!

OP, would you like to come and look after my kids once a week? My house is a right tip.

YAmILikeDis · 08/04/2019 16:37

I’ve got a few friends who can’t help but clean and tidy when they’re here. I don’t mind. I have Inattentive ADD so some of it is quite beyond me to do Blush Not that it’s festering or anything...

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