Was I being invasive? I can't decide!

[WhyReschedule]

I've been looking after a friend's DD today and I cleaned her downstairs from top to bottom.

Not out of rudeness, just because I genuinely adore cleaning. I thought she wouldn't mind since her DD is older and happy. Was offered different entertainments by me, etc etc. My own DC was there too but a baby so not of any companionship to her.

Friend came home and said "Blimey! You really have outdone yourself". Her DD even said she hoped I would look after her again. The atmosphere was randomly very tense.

I just left not 15 minutes ago and have received a text saying "Next time you look after DD please don't worry about the housework, you're there to look after her. Not the house. Please just leave it".

AIBU to think this is a bit rude? I feel extremely upset that I would make someone feel down or upset. I really didn't want to offend and did text as much back.

I know a lot of people dislike cleaning and it's something I genuinely enjoy. Most people are over the moon if I offer or do jobs for them. MIL once cried with happiness on return to her clean house from a long day of working.

I think it's best to ask. I think it's clear you meant well, but your friend felt judged.

I think I'd also be worried that my DD maybe got ignored. That may BU on my behalf, but that's how I'd feel.

she was beside herself with annoyance at the state of the house since she couldn't be bothered all week so just to ignore the mess

Can't you text and her ans say because she said this ^ you tired to do something nice for her. Might make her come round a bit quicker.

I’d be horrified and embarrassed if someone did this and would definitely take it as a judgement on my house. I would try and avoid having that person in my house again.

But that’s just me. I suffer with anxiety and depression so my response is probably not average!

I would feel embarrassed in your friends shoes I think. Grateful, but a bit ashamed.

Oh dear,I'd be mortified if someone did that to me!
I would go round and say what was in your mind when you started the cleaning and your intentions.Be honest.She may well pull you up and ask if you didn't stop to think how she would feel and that is fair enough.Some people might appreciate but other's will not.
Was this a hundred per cent altruistic op?

Mapril I thought the same for a moment!!

I am really surprised you don't think this is invasive.
How would you think it remotely appropriate to go through someone's laundry?

I'd have been a bit embarrassed to think that you'd seen my house as so dirty you had to clean and iron....but not so embarrassed that I'd have been off with you about it. Actually, I think I'd actually have been really pleased to find it done.

You free anytime soon to do a bit of dogsitting for me....?

Interfering at the highest level. Your friend was not at all rude. In fact, under the circumstances I think she was very constrained. I wouldn't have liked you doing that at my place.

Jeez, so much pride!

Well yes, there has to be a line somewhere. A friend feeling there is a need to clean your house is embarrassing, regardless of their silly excuses such as ‘oh I like doing it’. It says plain and simply ‘the way you keep your home is below my standards, I find it unkempt’, there is nothing nice about it however you dress it up.

What the OP did was demeaning, unless their friend was under circumstances that they needed help (illness or a tiny baby) or the house was unsafe for their child, there was categorically no need to interfere.

I would love someone to come and clean my house, but I would expect them to ask and arrange something with me first. I'm not particularly house proud or particular about my privacy, but there is something I find a bit off about someone who is not family going through my stuff like that without my permission.

Although you are welcome to come and look after my children any time!

( the fact that they are 26 and 24 is, I think, immaterial. I would just like a clean house

I'd have been unimpressed & would have wondered what else you'd been doing too that I didn't know about. Serious potential privacy issues.

Can you be my friend? My bathroom needs a good clean

Well I think we're all agreed that a lot of us on here need a @WhyReschedule in our lives!

OP, how old is your friend's DD and what did she do with herself while you were busy cleaning? Maybe your friend thought you weren't giving her DD enough attention if you spent that much time cleaning her house?

I think there are probably 2 issues here - that your friend is upset that:

1. you made her feel that you were judging her home as dirty and disgusting.
2. that you were so busy cleaning that the DD you were meant to look after was probably sidelined. I expect she was hoping that you would do things with her DD - and instead of lavishing attention on the DD you lavished on the cleaning instead!

I'd be really offended. You just cant go into another person's name and home and clean. It's like you're saying- look, I can manage to look after your Dd, my DC AND do the cleaning.

Everyone's boundaries are different OP - as you've just learned.

However, please could you come to mine to do my housework and ironing? Every Thursday or Friday works for me! 😄

I don't get the relevance between showing your nipples and cleaning her house. Weird.

This makes me shudder. When DD1 was little (20 years ago), we made the big mistake of agreeing to let MIL look after her at our house one day a week. She would do the cleaning (badly), move all our food around into different cupboards, go into our bedroom, get washing from the laundry basket, wash it and dry it over our radiators, then iron it. We were mortified and DP told her numerous times we didn’t want her to do that. She would stop for a week or two then just carry on doing it again. Got to the point where I’d have to lock the bedroom door so she wouldn’t go in for laundry.

Eventually, we all fell out big time and didn’t speak to her for years. And before anyone asks, I wanted DD to go up childminder/nursery, MIL begged us to let her do the childcare. Not that she had time to do much childcare, she was so busy with the cleaning and sorting.

OP I think you already know you overstepped the boundaries as you said you cleaned “not out of rudeness.” So there was a small part of you that knew it might come across as rude.

Oh well. You know not to to this again I hope. Even to people who you might claim “loved” it when you did it last time.

I'd be grateful. I struggle with keeping a clean tidy house working full time with two under 5.

OP has apologised. Continuing to pile in is pointless - she can't info it now.

She asked you to look after her DD and told you to ignore the mess.

Instead of doing that, you thoroughly cleaned her house and did her ironing.

Can you not see why she's annoyed?

It's implying her house needed cleaning so I'd be offended too I'm afraid.

Well yes, there has to be a line somewhere. A friend feeling there is a need to clean your house is embarrassing, regardless of their silly excuses such as ‘oh I like doing it’. It says plain and simply ‘the way you keep your home is below my standards, I find it unkempt’, there is nothing nice about it however you dress it up

What I was saying is that it's only embarrassing because of pride.

I'm presumably just less proud than most people on here, because I wouldn't really care if my friend thought my house was below her standards of cleanliness.