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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was I being invasive? I can't decide!

412 replies

WhyReschedule · 08/04/2019 16:10

I've been looking after a friend's DD today and I cleaned her downstairs from top to bottom.

Not out of rudeness, just because I genuinely adore cleaning. I thought she wouldn't mind since her DD is older and happy. Was offered different entertainments by me, etc etc. My own DC was there too but a baby so not of any companionship to her.

Friend came home and said "Blimey! You really have outdone yourself". Her DD even said she hoped I would look after her again. The atmosphere was randomly very tense.

I just left not 15 minutes ago and have received a text saying "Next time you look after DD please don't worry about the housework, you're there to look after her. Not the house. Please just leave it".

AIBU to think this is a bit rude? Blush I feel extremely upset that I would make someone feel down or upset. I really didn't want to offend and did text as much back.

I know a lot of people dislike cleaning and it's something I genuinely enjoy. Most people are over the moon if I offer or do jobs for them. MIL once cried with happiness on return to her clean house from a long day of working.

OP posts:
Pinkprincess1978 · 10/04/2019 07:19

I asked my colleague this yesterday and before I got to the end of the tale she was smiling saying what a wonderful thing to do! I guess this just shows how everyone is different. Next time maybe ask but phrase in they are doing you a favour. 'Your dd is watching a film, do you mind if I do your ironing as I don't like sitting still?'

Armadillostoes · 10/04/2019 08:02

Belenus-I don't think that everyone sees it in such black and white terms. I can also see both sides BUT the way in which the OP's friend voiced her feelings was horrible. She could have found a nicer way of explaining her point of view to someone who did her one favour and THOUGHT that she was doing her two.

saraclara · 10/04/2019 08:06

I find it really odd that some people who would appreciate this, just cannot see why others wouldn't. I can see both sides, but personally would feel invaded.

Yep. Someone earlier said that if a person whose house had been cleaned had posted, she'd have been ripped a new one. I disagree entirely. It's a privacy issue. Some people are clearly comfortable with someone doing this. Lots of us aren't, and would have empathised.

If the OP had asked me first, I'd have felt differently. I'd probably be okay and grateful for ironing if she'd asked for something to do. But my dirt? My cupboards? Nope.

CasanovaFrankenstein · 10/04/2019 08:08

So, I’m expecting you to pop round to my house on Friday please!

Reallyevilmuffin · 10/04/2019 08:24

OP where do you live and can we become friends? Free childcare and a deep clean? You sound like an angel!!!!

SafferUpNorth · 10/04/2019 10:45

You're welcome at my house!!!

anitagreen · 10/04/2019 10:50

I don't think it's rude but I do think it's taken the wrong way with some people, someone I know very closely house is awful dirt and mess and just grime everywhere, when they went into hospital we cleaned it top to bottom it looked beautiful the husband was so happy but the wife went mad and said we shouldn't of interfered Sad

Ginseng1 · 10/04/2019 11:00

It sounds great on the face of it but then when my mil stays n immediately starts picking up dirty clothes, making beds, dragging the hoover out it freaks me out a little I have to admit n do tell her to calm down leave my room alone at least! Which she does. Though on the other hand the house is always clean n tidy when she here which is nice too! I guess we never happy. My own mother wouldn't wash a cup when she's here!

Original poster
WhyReschedule · 10/04/2019 11:22

She would have preferred you spend time with them doing something nice.
You were asked to provide childcare and you gave supervision and housekeeping

We did do something nice! We did quite a few nice things actually.

You can clean, keep children happy and do stuff with them too. It isn't rocket science

OP posts:
jillybeanclevertips · 10/04/2019 12:09

Come round to my house anytime. I can understand why your friend took it the wrong way. That's her problem not yours.
Just let her know that you meant no offence and would be happy to babysit again. Then move on.
You cannot control how anybody else feels about what you do. Your intentions were good and that is all that matters.

Buddytheelf85 · 10/04/2019 12:56

You can clean, keep children happy and do stuff with them too. It isn't rocket science

Tell your friend that, I definitely reckon it’ll make her feel less judged.

QueenEhlana · 10/04/2019 13:02

You can clean, keep children happy and do stuff with them too. It isn't rocket science

But you see, some people can't. I sure as hell can't. But that is because I have to force myself to clean. I loathe it, and really struggle to get it done.

But then hell would freeze over before I asked a friend to stay in my house with my DC because of that very reason. I'd have to go on a cleaning binge before I even let them in, let alone leave them in the house without me even being there....

Original poster
WhyReschedule · 10/04/2019 13:03

Buddy I'm not trying to be rude to you but are you being sarcastic?

Some people genuinely would feel judged if they'd struggled to complete things and someone said 'it's not rocket science'.

She's being a bit of a mare to me right now but I don't know how I've made her feel Sad hopefully she knows I wouldn't dream of judging or casting disapproval at her

OP posts:
Romax · 10/04/2019 13:13

But then hell would freeze over before I asked a friend to stay in my house with my DC because of that very reason. I'd have to go on a cleaning binge before I even let them in, let alone leave them in the house without me even being there....

I don’t get this.

You’re happy for you and your children to live in a pig sty.
But not happy to have a friend over for a couple of hours to experience it.
Do you recognise it’s a gross way to live but relaxed about having your dc exist in it.

Buddytheelf85 · 10/04/2019 13:14

Yes, I’m being sarcastic - for exactly the reason you say. There are any number of reasons why someone might struggle with looking after kids and cleaning at the same time.

SerenDippitty · 10/04/2019 13:19

I'd have to go on a cleaning binge before I even let them in, let alone leave them in the house without me even being there...

Yep this is me......

00kitty · 10/04/2019 14:38

Feel free to come and look after my DD and do as much cleaning as you like! I'd be elated if I came home and a mate had blitzed my housework, wouldn't be keen if they'd pryed through drawers etc but they can knock themselves out on cleaning!

Nofilter101 · 10/04/2019 15:43

This has happened to me. I pretty easy going with just about everything but it made me feel very uneasy.

Belenus · 10/04/2019 18:40

Your intentions were good and that is all that matters.

It really isn't. There's even a saying "the road to hell is paved with good intentions". Not that I'm saying the road to hell begins with cleaning other people's houses, obviously. It's just that "oh I meant well" isn't sufficient excuse or justification for much of what we do.

Belenus · 10/04/2019 18:42

Armidallostoes - someone on the previous page said "You are an amazing friend, she’s an ungrateful cow! You minded her daughter and she came home to a spotless house with her ironing done! Wish you were my friend." and that was the sum total of the post. It's fairly black and white.

TheNoodlesIncident · 10/04/2019 18:58

But she admitted it wasn't clean but couldn't be arsed cleaning herself. If OP's friend had felt it was clean enough but OP cleaned it while she was there, I could understand OP's friend feeling judged and found guilty of having a dirty house. And that would sting far more than saying "Yes it's rank, but I can't be arsed doing it (before you come)" because the acknowledgement that it could do with cleaning isn't there.

So for that reason, I think OP is NreallyBU, her mate is being U especially as OP has done her a favour (the free childcare) and is expecting additional favours (more free childcare) as and when she wants it. And is being arsey about it instead of focusing on the bigger picture - the fact of OP doing her a massive favour of free childcare.

I've stayed at DSis's house to wait in for parcels, etc. Whilst waiting I've done bits and bobs of cleaning, rather than just sitting on my arse guzzling tea and Mumsnetting like I do at home . I don't know if she minds or not, but I've used my judgement and considered that she's probably relieved she doesn't have to come home and start cleaning her kitchen. I should probably ask...

HotMint · 10/04/2019 19:11

But she admitted it wasn't clean but couldn't be arsed cleaning herself.

Whether or not the house was clean is completely irrelevant. The friend whose house it was did not want the OP to clean it, any more than I would want to discover someone I've invited for coffee with their Marigolds on scrubbing the grouting when I emerge from the loo.

hazeyjane · 10/04/2019 19:27

I read the last text as friend trying to make a joke of it and moving on.

I would hate it if a friend did this whilst I was out, it would make me feel so uncomfortable.

GoingRetroMN · 10/04/2019 19:46

Many, many, many years ago, when I went in to labour with my eldest, my friend and her friend (both with spotless houses and kind hearts) cleaned our house top to bottom for us. They had the key to look after the dog and the labour was very long. The house looked amazing and we were very grateful BUT even now after all this time I still feel awkward and uncomfortable at them doing that for us.

Plurabelle · 11/04/2019 12:01

I suppose a friend might confide that she's not feeling into sex and her husband is frustrated.

But most of us would not read that as an invitation to help by shagging the husband.

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