Was I being invasive? I can't decide!

[WhyReschedule]

I've been looking after a friend's DD today and I cleaned her downstairs from top to bottom.

Not out of rudeness, just because I genuinely adore cleaning. I thought she wouldn't mind since her DD is older and happy. Was offered different entertainments by me, etc etc. My own DC was there too but a baby so not of any companionship to her.

Friend came home and said "Blimey! You really have outdone yourself". Her DD even said she hoped I would look after her again. The atmosphere was randomly very tense.

I just left not 15 minutes ago and have received a text saying "Next time you look after DD please don't worry about the housework, you're there to look after her. Not the house. Please just leave it".

AIBU to think this is a bit rude? I feel extremely upset that I would make someone feel down or upset. I really didn't want to offend and did text as much back.

I know a lot of people dislike cleaning and it's something I genuinely enjoy. Most people are over the moon if I offer or do jobs for them. MIL once cried with happiness on return to her clean house from a long day of working.

Why didn't you just ask? Then she could have said yes, no, or directed you towards the things she'd be happy for you to do.

I would find this enormously intrusive and odd.

If you'd asked though, I might have directed you towards a few straightforward tasks that wouldn't have involved interfereing with my things. Then, provided dd had had fun and you'd prioritised her, I would have been grateful.

You should have asked first. I wouldn't like it, I would feel upset that you felt my house needed cleaning.

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking

Oy, get in the queue!

Blimey, OP, I dunno if I’d be delighted or feel judged. Probably more delighted.

I would have been p**d off by the implication that by cleaning you weren't looking after her dd. It sounds like you did that too. I would have appreciated you cleaning the house.

OOH it's unlikely I would let anyone in my house unless it was reasonable in the first place.

I do housework at my daughters house but only because she has 3 small children. Is exhausted, no time and because I know she appreciates it. Also my DP is usually with me when I baby sit. I tend not to when I babysit alone because my focus is then completely on the children.
But I would I would never do housework in a friend's house and I would be upset if a friend cleared up in my house. I am sure you didn't mean to cause offence but she may see it as a criticism of her.

Sorry, massively invasive, I would absolutely hate it. I don't employ a cleaner for the same reason. My house is my private space, I would not be at all happy. As others have said, you could ask about doing a couple of specific jobs, but a full scale clean and iron...how is this anything other than offensive? If you had thought it was lovely already you wouldn't have felt the need to clean it. You probably put loads of things away in random places so they now can't find them. Just no. I know you meant well, but no.

OP where do you live and do you want to be my friend?

To be fair you probably did over step the mark a little bit but you did it with the best intentions. Your friend was probably was embarrassed. I would be too but I'd get over it and forgive you. Just please don't wash my pants even I draw the line there!

I can see how you were trying to do a kind thing but I do think you should have asked first. I would have felt massively uncomfortable if a friend did this for me.

Years ago, my MIL used to feed the cat for us whenever we were away. Then she started trying to help out by cleaning while she was there. She meant well, but I felt very stressed by it because I then felt a need to clean the house really thoroughly before we went away.

Did she reply yet? I wonder if she just felt guilty for you having done so much for her. It is so easy to misinterpret a text. Why don't you phone her?! (showing my age...)

This is one of those polarising things. Some people are fine with it and would be really grateful. Others feel very uncomfortable about someone getting that up close and personal with their belongings and their grime. I fall into the latter camp. I would be mortified and really upset if a friend did this to me. I know my house is far from perfect, but if you come in and clean, I feel like it must be SO revolting that you couldn't stand to be in it without doing something about it. I want to feel like me and my house are good enough for my friends, not that people come into my house and just see grottiness that needs dealing with. I'd know you meant it kindly but honestly I'd really hate it.

So just... bear in mind that a lot of people don't like this, and ask first or err on the side of not doing it! You don't have to agree with anyone's boundaries or even understand them but you do need to realise they might be there and respect them.

You completely overstepped the boundaries because you didn't ask. Do you often struggle to understand boundaries or mis read situations?

@calmdownjane I am with you on the comment about minding the child again. So FFS don't clean my house but make sure you are free for childminding again - OP is this a regular occurrence - you minding this child?

If it is well then she is the CF, unless of course it is paid for by your friend.

Were you being paid to look after her dd, op? Is it not a little strange that you’d take your own baby to her house for a full day, rather than have the considerably older child come to you?
I wouldn’t let you over the doorstep again, personally.

I wouldn't mind if you were a close friend. You sound lovely! And if I did mind, I wouldn't be so rude as to mention it after you'd provided me with free childcare all day.

(OTOH I don't think I'd have the balls to say 'next time you look after DD' while resetting the boundary...)

Wow people get offended very easily. I'd happily let anyone clean my house.

I'd be delighted OP. Do you want to come to my house? I've a 16 year old you can look after :)

I would be slightly mortified if I left a friend in my house and they gave it a spring clean, it was helpful and kind of you of course but you should have asked if she wanted you to. She will be thinking you think she's a scruffy so and so.

Please be my friend. Why don't I have any friends who are obsessive cleaners, I need you!

You are welcome to look after my DC anytime! Once had a babysitter who did this as she couldn't "do nothing". Best money I ever spent on a night out! What could be better than going out and finding the cleaning and ironing fairy has been while you were away! Anyway, you know now she doesn't like it so if you do go again you can just have a cup of tea & leave her to it! You've apologised - just leave it at that.

As PPs have said she's probably just feeling embarrassed / judged (even though I know that wasn't your intention) & some people are more protective of their home / privacy than others.

I had to get a neighbour to feed my cats for a few days in an emergency. She also enjoys cleaning. The kitchen was a bit of a tip. She cleaned it from top to bottom. I am a hoarder and don't like people touching my stuff. She broke a bowl when washing up and didn't tell me (I found it in the outside bin later.) She threw out my kefir culture because she thought it was something mouldy. I searched the bin for it (that's when I found the broken bowl) but couldn't find it.

She was upset that I wasn't gushing with gratitude. She was trying to do me a favour but I felt like my private space had been violated.

I would hate someone else cleaning my house unasked. Really hate it. I’d feel violated, it’s my private space and I expect a guest in my home to act like a guest.

Say someone came round to look after my dd that would mean they could make tea/coffee, help themselves to snacks, use the toilet and sink, sit on sofas, pick up and look through any book lying around. Because our house is small and very open plan I’d be okay with a guest going into the bedrooms to check on the kids if they’re playing up there. If they wanted to help out that would mean tidying up after themselves and the kids. Anything more would freak me out.
If a guest is staying longer or there for a meal then it’s more intimate and they could help wash up etc.

Our house is normal tidy/messy. It’s not about feeling ashamed of our filth, it’s about boundaries. It’s a bit like coming round to look after the kids and having a bath or looking though our papers. It’s not your home!

Still easy enough to patch up with your friend- say sorry and don’t do it again. Also, it’s a bit of an unwanted gift in that your friend might feel indebted to you for the babysitting plus the cleaning.

There is a possibility that that this is just a breakdown in communication. When you got there she said "that she was beside herself with annoyance at the state of the house since she couldn't be bothered all week so just to ignore the mess." She might actually be the one feeling embarrassed, like you'd interpreted that as a hint to tidy it up and clean it for her. And her text message after could easily be taken in that light too.

Missing the point perhaps, but how did you manage to do colouring, made cupcakes, watch a film with popcorn and stuff, clean the whole of downstairs from top to bottom and do a pile of ironing? As well as look after your own baby?

As to your question, I would be conflicted - half of me would be really pissed off that you thought I was so dirty you needed to clean the house, and I'd feel judged big time. The other half of me would be over the moon that I didn't have to clean for another month now.

Why didn't you text her during the day and ASK her if it was ok if you did a bit of ironing & cleaning while DD was otherwise occupied?