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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at friend

212 replies

popsadaisy · 05/04/2019 18:47

I have a hen party planned to go to Magaluf later this year which my sister has been organising for me. There is a big group chat with all of us in (14 of us) and we are using a company who have organised airport transfers and different things to do whilst we're there, plus hotel etc. My sister made it clear before every paid the £25 deposit that they must be 100% sure they are coming and not drop out before they pay as this will put the price up for the rest of the party. Everyone paid and since then a friend has had to drop out because she's pregnant which is absolutely fair enough. Today another friend has messaged me and said she doesn't think she can come anymore because she works term time. I replied asking why she agreed to come if she works term time? And she's just replied to me and said well she thought she would have a new job by now and doesn't. This trip isn't until September and the whole trip needs to be paid for 6 weeks before. AIBU to be really annoyed at her? She's also showing no remorse and getting arsey with me in her replies (stopped putting kisses and putting a lot of !!!!!)

OP posts:
Original poster
popsadaisy · 07/04/2019 10:00

@UAreMyMummy nope not at all. Was put out as to why she accepted the invite if she knew there was a big chance she couldn't come.

OP posts:
Flesh · 07/04/2019 10:05

I'm trying to think of a nice way to word this but can't.

Have you been to Magaluf recently? If I were you I would change it to anywhere, literally anywhere else.

It's a bit unfair to expect people to pay over £300 plus spending money on such a shit hole.

Expect more dropouts.

elasticfantastic · 07/04/2019 10:09

I'd tell all the others that a further £150 is needed by end of April. Make it clear it's not refundable. You will then hopefully know exactly who is coming and who will back out.

I've said no to a few similar hen parties because it's not my cup of tea, but also in my younger years I've said yes as didn't want to disappoint the hen... I never backed out but begrudged paying so much for something I really didn't want to go on. Of course while there I smiled and pretended to have fun, the hen will never know I hated it... but fortunately I've got to an age now where I feel confident enough just to say no! I don't like the sound of that, but thanks for the invite!

Original poster
popsadaisy · 07/04/2019 10:39

@Flesh I went when I was 20 and loved it. I kind of wish I hadn't said the destination now because I feel like a lot of people have focused on that. People knew how much it cost when they agreed to come.

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Original poster
popsadaisy · 07/04/2019 10:41

@elasticfantastic I would honestly appreciate that honesty so much and actually two of my friends have said that and I wasn't offended in the slightest. The thing is this friend is going to Ibiza this summer so I don't think it's that this type of holiday isn't her thing, she goes our drinking every weekend where as I rarely go out anymore (I have a 1 year old) it's probably more her cup of tea than it is mine 🙈

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MidniteScribbler · 07/04/2019 10:47

Have a lovely day.

I will, because none of my friends are expecting me to fork out a huge chunk of my wages for their personal validation.

If you really wanted your friends to be there, you'd have a night at a pub. But you are putting a price on their friendship and expecting them to show you how important you are to them. If they don't pay, they obviously don't love you enough.

dustarr73 · 07/04/2019 10:57

@witchtower,,you seem very invested in this thread.Are you the friend?

Op,she knew when she said yes there was a chance she wouldnt be able to make it.
So she could have turned it down
Or maybe joined later if she got her new job.
At the end of the day the friend is in the wrong.
And the pregnant friend has been explained

Original poster
popsadaisy · 07/04/2019 11:07

@MidniteScribbler like I said I'm not expecting anything. I get the impression you haven't read this thread. My sister planned the hen as a surprise for me. It comes to something when planning a trip away for your hen means you are putting a price on friendships, a little OTT I think.

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Original poster
popsadaisy · 07/04/2019 11:09

@dustarr73 not going to lie I did start to suspect @Witchtower was the friend as well 👀 she seems to know more about her life than I do!

OP posts:
Witchtower · 07/04/2019 11:36

@dustarr73 if you haven’t noticed I had lost interest in the thread. But thank you for reminding me it was still here, a nice email reminder in my inbox.

I was quite invested as I found OP completely unreasonable. Pregnant friend circumstance changed due to something in her control and other friend had to drop out due to circumstances beyond her control. She was expecting a new job but it fell through. OP said her friend new earlier but I guess there was still hope as she told OP on the last possible day that she could have given her notice in.

OP originally said that what annoyed her wasn’t the fact that she had cancelled but the way she dealt with it ‘no remorse’ but then we found out OP didn’t give her the chance as she sent her an arsey text.

This thread is overwhelming in favour of OP’s friend. There is a reason for that.

Witchtower · 07/04/2019 11:38

😂😂 sorry to disappoint ladies. I’m def not in your group chat.

Witchtower · 07/04/2019 11:40

@popsadaisy I work in education and understand how a lot of what your discussing works. By the sounds of it, you haven’t got a clue otherwise you would be quite thankful that your friend informed you at the earliest possible date. 5 months before the holiday. Plenty of time.

Bluededoobeedoo · 07/04/2019 12:45

Always funny when people talk about being over-invested. It's MN. We're all over invested!

Witchtower · 07/04/2019 13:02

@Bluededoobeedoo 😂😂 very true.

Kel801 · 07/04/2019 13:10

Gosh, perhaps the drop out stopped the xxxxs and swapped them for !!!! because of your tone (just a wild stab in the dark based on OPs responses to those who disagree)

Eustasiavye · 07/04/2019 13:16

Op
Don't you know in the world of mn, women do not go on over night hen dos!!!!

Anything other than an evening of knitting whilst sipping chamomile tea would class as utterly vulgar.

Of course one must make sure that one is allowed out by asking your husbands permission to attend this monumental hen do.

Thehop · 07/04/2019 13:21

I think to save the friendship you need to take a step back and assume the best....if she thought she’d have another job then she’s done the same thing, and she may think so much of you that she wanted to make sure she had the opportunity and has given you lots of notice.

It sounds like you’re only annoyed because she hasn’t apologised enough which could just be how it comes across in messages and really not worth falling out over x

my2bundles · 07/04/2019 13:36

The friends personal life is more important than a hen do, which is as at should be. You carnt expect people to prip ritual a hen do 5 months in advance, people's circumstances will change in that time. I suggest ensuring you can cover the cost of anyone else dropping out, don't expect other guests to cover the costs. They won't.

Original poster
popsadaisy · 07/04/2019 13:59

@Kel801 my tone has been shitty to the ones who have been shitty to me first not to all people who disagree with me. @Thehop @my2bundles for example disagree with me but I have completely taken what they say on board because they have responded to my post in a way that means I respect their opinion (I.e they haven't been arseholes).

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Original poster
popsadaisy · 07/04/2019 14:00

@Eustasiavye I'm new here and am starting to pick this up the more threads I read 🙈

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Original poster
popsadaisy · 07/04/2019 14:10

@Witchtower you're right I don't know how it works, when you say you have to give 5 months notice does that mean to take time off in term time?
And also I'm getting a bit bored of this thread now too so I can't imagine how the rest of you are feeling.
There never was a new job to fall through, I don't know where you are getting this information from? Or are you assuming there was a new job that she hasn't told us about? Also she works in education so no matter what job she has surely she'd be in the same boat? I do see where you're coming from and I am accepting the majority of the thread that I've been a bit OTT in being pissed off but I can't lie there is still apart of me that does think she could have gone about it a different way I.e. not accepted to come on a trip she wasn't 100% sure she could come on and done what my cousin did by not paying the deposit and letting us know at a later date and being a tag on. I do feel like we are going around in circles here though, we will never 100% agree.

OP posts:
OneDayillSleep · 07/04/2019 14:11

Whoever was organising should have asked for a much bigger deposit to avoid this situation, I’d say at least £100 if not 50% deposit to reserve a place. People are less likely to pull out if they have paid a large deposit, £25 can just be written off. If they still do it’s less for the group to have to cover.

People will always drop out of stuff like this when it is planned so far ahead of time.

Nicolastuffedone · 07/04/2019 14:16

I would have thought there was a huge middle ground between knitting and sipping chamomile tea and going to the hell that is Magaluf.....no?

Witchtower · 07/04/2019 14:56

@popsadaisy I asked you why friend dropped out and you didn’t respond/know. Your friend had the intention of getting a new job, it didn’t happen, whether it fell through or she couldn’t find one is neither here nor there. Her circumstances have changed.

No you have misunderstood. Most schools require a terms notice. Meaning the last possible day for her to give her notice in was Friday just gone. I meant 5 months is plenty of time for her to give you notice.

Ps I was very polite at the beginning of the thread and then you began attaching everyone as no one agreed with you.

Saying your bored of your own thread is hilarious. If you start a thread then you need to accept what comes along with it. I’m sure if you’re not happy you can turn the notifications off. 😊😊 xxxx

fc301 · 07/04/2019 14:58

OP you were shitty to me and all I say was 'URBmassivelyU to expect 13 friends to pay £300'
Hardly arsehole behaviour.... oh sorry we were all meant to agree/sympathise.

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