To be annoyed at friend

[popsadaisy]

I have a hen party planned to go to Magaluf later this year which my sister has been organising for me. There is a big group chat with all of us in (14 of us) and we are using a company who have organised airport transfers and different things to do whilst we're there, plus hotel etc. My sister made it clear before every paid the £25 deposit that they must be 100% sure they are coming and not drop out before they pay as this will put the price up for the rest of the party. Everyone paid and since then a friend has had to drop out because she's pregnant which is absolutely fair enough. Today another friend has messaged me and said she doesn't think she can come anymore because she works term time. I replied asking why she agreed to come if she works term time? And she's just replied to me and said well she thought she would have a new job by now and doesn't. This trip isn't until September and the whole trip needs to be paid for 6 weeks before. AIBU to be really annoyed at her? She's also showing no remorse and getting arsey with me in her replies (stopped putting kisses and putting a lot of !!!!!)

I agree with you OP her circumstances have not changed from when she booked. She also knew at the time of booking she couldn’t get time off so I guess it depends how likely she thought it was that things would change? Maybe you could have been kinder in your reply as so could she?

@Xyzzzzz maybe I could have been I was just genuinely intrigued as to why she would agree to something she knew she couldn't attend. I think texts can sometimes be misconstrued as well.

It's so far off, your sister needs to renegotiate with the company she booked with .. a hen night for 10 say (in case of more people dropping out) with the option of adding more on.

But surely usually you'd just book flights and somewhere to stay, and sort all details out later. You're going off-season to Magaluf, there's loads of cheap flights there and loads of places to stay. Does your sister really need someone to organise that for her?

@Charley50 she has used the company before when planning her best friends hen and had a really god experience and was impressed so that's why she has used them again. And tbf it does sound really good the things they plan for you when there. But good idea to contact the company and reduce numbers with an option to add on :)

@popsadaisy what was the actual reason your friend said she couldn’t come? We have all been speculating but we still haven’t actually been told why. We know she is a nursery teacher and they need to give a term notice, in some places it’s half a term. But considering she’s told you now it sounds like her contract requires a terms notice.

What were her circumstances and why she they change?

@Witchtower ??? Really? I thought I had said... she messaged me yesterday and said that isn't able to come because she can't get term time off and thought that when she agreed to come she would have a new job by now but doesn't. That is the reason she has given me.

@Witchtower her circumstances haven't changed she was just hoping they would have changed.

Out of 14, two have dropped out but one (the maybe cousin) has now joined. So, not too bad given the size of the grouping.

Remaining guests have to make up the shortfall for the one call off by roughly £20 each.

This is not the scale of disaster you think it is. You are being unreasonable.

@popsadaisy what I meant was why? Did the job fall through? What were the circumstances?

I’m sorry but whether you want to admit it or not, her circumstances have changed. She thought she’d have a new job but how she hasn’t.

You say a lot of people have been rude. The reason they have been ‘rude’ is because I’d your abrupt responses and unwillingness to accept that maybe your friend did have a valid reason. You came to MN for advice but you weren’t happy with responses.

Ps great news for your pregnant friend but actually she did have control over it. Whereas your other friend probably had very little. But we don’t know as you haven’t explained very well.

Btw I’d be very happy for my pregnant friend and would have done the same. But I’d feel slightly sorry for my other friend as she probably really wanted to go but is unable to. You shouldn’t be treating both differently.

Ps was the message you sent private or in the group chat?

getting arsey with me in her replies (stopped putting kisses and putting a lot of !!!!!)

I wasn't being off with her I did question why she agreed to come if she knew she couldn't get the time off but I continued to put kisses and smileys.

PMSL

popsadaisy I think there is a fundamental problem with the way the hen do has been organised by your sister.

You say it was made clear to everyone that if anyone pulled out after deposits paid, the costs for the others would go up. That really isn't either fair or sensible. I presume there must be a reason why the costs will remain the same even if fewer people go (is it an appartment type thing?)

Your sister should have got an agreement from everyone that once they paid the deposit, each person was responsible for their costs whethre they attended or not.

If I was another member of the party right now I'd be panicking! There is no way of knowing how much this trip is actually going to cost. It doesn't matter if it is a legitimate or crap reason for not going - according to your sister's plan, the cost would be shared by those going.

She shouldn't have agreed to come based on something that might happe

N

@Bluededoobeedoo I don't think it's disaster, I was just annoyed at her reasoning and how she told me. It was 14 including my cousin as a maybe so was 14 now 12 and like others have said I'm sure more will drop. It's just personally I would never agree to going somewhere unless I was 100% going. Obviously if I broke my leg or amazingly fell pregnant not knowing I could it would be a different story.

@RaffertyFair I totally agree with you. I'd be panicking as well and that's why I'm annoyed that to me her reason is very flakey. It definitely could have been organised better but I think we will just have to learn from this one.

@DameSquashalot agree! Thank you.

In your hypothetical scenario would you still expect the others to pay extra if you couldn't go because you broke your leg?

I don't see why the pregnant friend dropping out is is absolutely fair enough but the friend dropping out for work reasons has made you really annoyed.

If you decide to have a lengthy, expensive and elaborate hen 'event' then these sorts of issues come with the territory, I'm afraid.

Perhaps the pregnant person dropping out bumped the cost up and she can't afford it? Don't understand why hen dos are so extravagant these days anyway.

@popsadaisy

Why was it a flakey excuse?

Why did her circumstance change?

Was the message sent privately or in the group? I assume privately but could be wrong.

I agree ScreamingValenta The view on whether a reason is fair enough is totally subjective.

@Witchtower sorry for not explaining well.. there was never a new job. She was planning on getting a new job in the new year but says there is nothing out there to apply for for her so she will be staying in the job she is in which means she can't get term time off.
I understand people are giving me their opinions and I appreciate that but I do think there is a nice way of saying you think someone is being unreasonable without jumping down their throat, hence my defensive replies. I also notice a lot of people read through the lines and assume things on these posts maybe that's my fault and I need to explain better but it's difficult to give every last scrap of detail in the OP. I will work on it (pretty new to MN)

@popsadaisy that’s why I have asked the questions above so we can get a better picture.

I’m not going to moan about drip feeding as I am queen of that.