To be annoyed at friend

[popsadaisy]

I have a hen party planned to go to Magaluf later this year which my sister has been organising for me. There is a big group chat with all of us in (14 of us) and we are using a company who have organised airport transfers and different things to do whilst we're there, plus hotel etc. My sister made it clear before every paid the £25 deposit that they must be 100% sure they are coming and not drop out before they pay as this will put the price up for the rest of the party. Everyone paid and since then a friend has had to drop out because she's pregnant which is absolutely fair enough. Today another friend has messaged me and said she doesn't think she can come anymore because she works term time. I replied asking why she agreed to come if she works term time? And she's just replied to me and said well she thought she would have a new job by now and doesn't. This trip isn't until September and the whole trip needs to be paid for 6 weeks before. AIBU to be really annoyed at her? She's also showing no remorse and getting arsey with me in her replies (stopped putting kisses and putting a lot of !!!!!)

@Witchtower you may not think it's a flakey excuse but I do 'I thought I would have a new job by now but don't' to me that's flakey. And yes these were private messages. I think we've established I don't think her circumstances have changed but you do. We will have to agree to disagree on that one.

popsadaisy I think you need to take some sort of action or you could have a real problem on your hands.

Just one more person dropping out could cause a everyone to seriously doubt whether they could risk staying committed to the plan. You could face a mass opt out!

You and your sister need to consider all options and discuss with the others e.g. making a new agreement that from now on , the costs will be guaranteed by each person even if they can't go - regardless of the reason - or do you need to consider canelling so people only lose £25 and arrange a different event.

@RaffertyFair yes I think you're right. I am meeting with my sister today so will discuss with her. I think we need to speak to the company organising and hopefully if they think we are going to pull out all together they might be more lenient on the odd few dropping out. Another option I thought of was to say that another instalment of £75 is due by the end of the week and therefore people are less likely to drop if they will be loosing £100 rather than £25?

@popsadaisy you're going to get a lot of people telling you you're being unreasonable. The issue of hen dos is one area that always stands out to me as the general MN consensus is vastly different to the way people in my social circle feel about them. I've loved going on 'tacky and elaborate' hen dos with friends because I think as you get older with more responsibilities it gets harder and harder to have carefree time away with friends.

For what it's worth if the events happened as you've told them, then I don't think you're being unreasonable. She knew the constraints of her job and she knew the price so she has let you down. I do agree with other posters though in that your sister could have made it clear from the start that anyone dropping out would still have to pay.

The trouble with relying on the deposit (even an increased one) is that the remaining people would still be liable for the costs of anyone who decided not to go. You could have some people who could afford to lose £100 and drop out leaving the bill for others to pick up ...

@popsadaisy I work in education so your friends reason is completely valid. At the time of booking she was hoping to move jobs. She had this in mind so accepted the invitation. She had the best intentions at heart but unfortunately she wasn’t able to find another position. Flakey would have been her knowing and telling you further down the line. She told you on the last day of term. The last day possible for her to have given in her notice. So actually she was extremely considerate as you were one of the first people she let know.

I said accepted the invitation and bit made a commitment as your sisters wording was pretty poor. As others have said it should have been organised better.

I’m not sure what more you could want from your friend?
You didn’t give her a chance to apologise as your message was arsey. Before you say it wasn’t, it was. Nothing wrong with saying ‘what a shame, why can’t you come, we really wanted you there’

@Witchtower I see where you are coming from but she was in the same group chat where my cousin said she isn't 100% sure so would she be able to let us know closer to the time? My sister checked with the company and they said that was fine so why her knowing what she did not do the same? Or at least just say 'btw i will be looking for a new job but if I can't get one then I won't be able to come' just as a heads up. The reason for my reply to her was because I genuinely didn't understand why she agreed to come knowing she works term time and can't get it off she then said it was because she couldn't find a new job. (Before this I had no clue she was looking for a new job). I don't think we will ever agree on this one. I do see your points though but I still think there were better ways she could have gone about it.

It could be that this let down turns out to be a blessing in disguise as it gives early warnings of what could happen, so renegotiate the group deal now or cancel and everyone lose £25 deposit but get something better.

@popsadaisy the fact she didn’t mention it earlier probably means that it was very likely she was changing jobs but due to unforeseen circumstances it fell through.

I understand what your saying but I think you need to accept that you are being too harsh. This thread is overwhelmingly in your friends favour.

You didn’t really give her a chance to explain it or apologise because of your message. You’re mainly annoyed due to her response. That’s what you said earlier. But let’s be honest you didn’t really give her a chance?

You have the right to be annoyed but you also need to see it from your friends POV. I wouldn’t make it obvious that I was annoyed either as I would be worried as coming off as a bridezilla or selfish as I’m not fully aware of her circs. By the sounds of it you aren’t fully aware.

She’s also probably aware of the way you reacted to your pregnant friend and she has had a very different response from you. Not really fair is it?

I imagine the company are used to this and have a contingent so that they don't lose full party bookings either. Fingers crossed it gets sorted. Ask everyone else to pay more as soon as you've met the company. Still plenty time.

@Witchtower yes I know I've taken from this thread that I am being unreasonable for being annoyed. But sometimes it hard not to feel a certain way. She doesn't yet know that my other friend is pregnant so that isn't a factor in this really. One of my bridesmaids who is very close friends with her has messaged me today after I have told her that she doesn't think she's coming and said that she definitely isn't coming and she has known this for awhile. I won't ruin a friendship over it but I can't lie and say it hasn't annoyed me a little.

@OutComeTheWolves haha I've noticed that hen dos (especially ones abroad!!!) are definitely not very popular in the MN world 😂 but I'm with you on this one!! The tackier the better in my opinion! It is very rare that me and my friends go out anymore so I fully intend to make the most of this trip and won't feel one bit of guilt in doing so :)

@Usuallyinthemiddle thank you! Fingers crossed it will all work out :)

@MidniteScribbler your opinion won't be welcome, despite OP asking for it. Mine wasn't & neither was @ballsdeep !

Maybe she simply can't afford it and due to judgement doesn't want to admit it. As many have said, but you don't like our opinions, £300 is so much money for a hen. And it won't stop there, it'll probably be upwards of £500 with spending money, outfits, drinks etc. If you don't want people to drop out, keep it affordable.

You carnt expect to book this so far in advance and expect everyone's life to stay the same for the benefit of a hen do. Things will change, planned and not planned, either way you carnt expect a valid reason in your eyes when oeople make changes to their own lIves. By all means book but you carnt expect people to make a firm commitment so far in advance.

I've known couples ending up over £1000 just to attend stag and hen dos at £500 each with all on costs. That's even before the wedding. Utter madness.

Imagine having two or three weddings a year like this?

The drop out has shown the way.

Cancel and go uptown for some drinks.

@MidniteScribbler bit of a twatty thing to say don't you think? The thread isn't about her choice of hen do.

And for the love of god, you have a choice if you want to go on a hen do. So she isn't being unreasonable to have chosen a holiday for hers (if you actually read the thread you would know she didn't even choose it, her sister did). My sister had her hen do abroad and knew that she would be sacrificing people coming as it is a big ask and was perfectly ok with friends not coming. But many did, as it's a holiday with friends. Nothing wrong with that.

You definitely need to get in touch with the company organising it and somehow cap the costs otherwise others will drop out and yes losing £100 is bad, but compared to eg extra £150 on accommodation, it will spiral out of control.

Not sure what you want her to do. Quit her job so she can please everyone and go to your hen do?

@MidniteScribbler not expecting anyone to pay anything actually. She was invited, she agreed to come. You are obv one of these MNtwats making unhelpful comments in a bid to make yourself feel better. Don't have anything constructive to say then don't say anything at all. Have a lovely day.

@fc301 do you really think I want the opinion of someone who doesn't know me calling me a twat?! Fgs what is wrong with some of you people?! And I'm the arsehole for feeling I have to defend myself on some of these comments. It's just not helpful.

@ballsdeep yes it could be that. And I get that not everyone can afford it, I have honestly let it go now it's up to her what she wants to spend her money on.

Thank you @JustanAunt I think I've learnt from this thread perhaps to just ask close friends if I'm being reasonable in the future. And I'm not at all saying it's because I don't want people to say YABU it's just the way people on here are so rude and there's no need to be! And then when you defend yourself your called bridezilla and a horrible person! It's bizarre to me to speak to people you don't know over the internet in this way.