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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at friend

212 replies

popsadaisy · 05/04/2019 18:47

I have a hen party planned to go to Magaluf later this year which my sister has been organising for me. There is a big group chat with all of us in (14 of us) and we are using a company who have organised airport transfers and different things to do whilst we're there, plus hotel etc. My sister made it clear before every paid the £25 deposit that they must be 100% sure they are coming and not drop out before they pay as this will put the price up for the rest of the party. Everyone paid and since then a friend has had to drop out because she's pregnant which is absolutely fair enough. Today another friend has messaged me and said she doesn't think she can come anymore because she works term time. I replied asking why she agreed to come if she works term time? And she's just replied to me and said well she thought she would have a new job by now and doesn't. This trip isn't until September and the whole trip needs to be paid for 6 weeks before. AIBU to be really annoyed at her? She's also showing no remorse and getting arsey with me in her replies (stopped putting kisses and putting a lot of !!!!!)

OP posts:
Original poster
popsadaisy · 05/04/2019 19:53

To everyone saying that I shouldn't be doing a hen abroad or expect people to shell out for it etc etc my sister has planned it all and decided what to do as a surprise for me. I am very grateful to her and didn't expect so many people to agree to come due to the price so was so happy when people said they were on board. I get people's circumstances change but this particular friends circumstances actually haven't changed that's why I'm confused that she agreed to come in the first place if she knew she couldn't get the time off. I appreciate her letting me know now rather than a month before but it would have been nicer if she apologised for not being able to come rather than the arsey 'probably won't be able to come anymore' and when I say well please can you give me and definite yes or no ASAP as the price will be rising for others so need to let them know, also if you knew you can't get time off why did you agree to come? xxx I get a 'because I haven't found a new job yet!!' reply...

OP posts:
Margot33 · 05/04/2019 19:53

I think she's probably not seeing a problem as she loses her deposit. You're upset because she didn't apologise for pulling out and now the group has to pay extra. I would let it go and hope that no-one else drops out.

Witchtower · 05/04/2019 19:53

If your post read... ‘I’m really pissed off with my friend. She has dropped out of my hen do and hasn’t apologised. Another friend dropped out but at least she was apologetic’

Are you sure your friend didn’t get frustrated with you as you weren’t accepting her reason and generally being off with her?

Squirrelblanket · 05/04/2019 19:55

This is why, when I arranged my sister's hen do in Spain, I gave all interested parties six months notice of the date I planned to book it and told them if you want to come, it's this much and it needs to be in my bank account on this date or you don't get booked. Problem solved and it all worked out fine.

I don't think it's reasonable to pass the cost of drop outs on to all the others. If I was one of the hens still planning to come I would drop out the moment it started going up. It's expensive enough as it is. I hope you get it sorted out.

Original poster
popsadaisy · 05/04/2019 19:55

@fc301 but they agreed to come? I would have been fine with it if from the get go they said they couldn't afford it. I'm not forcing anyone to part with their money nor would I expect them to. My sister has arranged and organised the whole thing.. I would have been happy with a night down my local but am obviously grateful for all of her effort.
Don't read behind the lines and assume.

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Witchtower · 05/04/2019 19:56

Your message was arsey. There’s your problem.

Romax · 05/04/2019 19:56

Your sister should have said jay in the event you can’t make it - you still have to pay.

Not that the cost would be spread amongst those that can attend

Squirrelblanket · 05/04/2019 19:57

Although in your friend's case, I do think it's kind of her fault so she could offer to pay the rest of her share if you can find a replacement.

Drum2018 · 05/04/2019 19:57

She's given plenty of notice, can't get off work so not much you can do. Don't be surprised if others follow suit. It's a lot to expect to have your friends shell out £300 as well as spending money for a hen party and then have to shell out for attending the wedding too. Maybe you need to message the rest of them now to make sure they can all go before you rearrange the rooms.

Original poster
popsadaisy · 05/04/2019 19:58

@Witchtower HER CIRCUMSTANCES HAVE NOT CHANGED!!!! How many time do I have to say this 😂

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Original poster
popsadaisy · 05/04/2019 20:00

@edwinbear 1) my sister organised it and 2) get a life. Didn't ask for your opinion on the venue.

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Original poster
popsadaisy · 05/04/2019 20:01

@Monstermissy36 haha I know!! Maybe not the best idea 🙈🙈🙈

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Witchtower · 05/04/2019 20:02

@popsadaisy have you read your own thread?

Her circumstances HAVE changed as when she accepted the invite she was planning to change jobs. That’s not possible anymore, so yes get circumstances have changed.

Bookworm4 · 05/04/2019 20:03

5 months notice is plenty, have you stopped to think work is what she's telling you, maybe realises she can't justify £3-500 on a hen do and is trying to let you down gently. Btw wouldn't let your sister organise again 🙄

Original poster
popsadaisy · 05/04/2019 20:04

@Witchtower I wasn't being off with her I did question why she agreed to come if she knew she couldn't get the time off but I continued to put kisses and smileys. I think I was entitled to ask that question because it did genuinely baffle me as to why someone would agree to come to something when they know they can't get time off.

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Original poster
popsadaisy · 05/04/2019 20:05

@Squirrelblanket that would have been a better way but unfortunately my sister didn't plan it like that.

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Witchtower · 05/04/2019 20:07

@popsadaisy if a friend messaged me that I would find it arsey. She became defensive because of that message.
Tbh I would be quite peeved if she let me down but I’d accept her circumstances and move on, mainly because I think she has quite a valid reason.
I do think treating both your friends differently is totally unreasonable.

Thunderspuds · 05/04/2019 20:07

Sounds like she was being optimistic that a possible job would pan out so paid her deposit. She's now realised that it hasn't and likely won't change by then so has let you know as soon as possible. I would think that is fair enough if it was me.

Most people on this thread have told you YABU but you're arguing them down so what was the point of asking if you're so sure you're in the right.

Witchtower · 05/04/2019 20:08

I would probably have worded it ‘oh no, what a shame, why?’

PurpleDaisies · 05/04/2019 20:08

I wasn't being off with her I did question why she agreed to come if she knew she couldn't get the time off but I continued to put kisses and smileys.

Is this for real? You can be arsey while still using kisses and smileys. People aren’t stupid. xxxSmile

Trekkingbeyond · 05/04/2019 20:08

Still don't get why you can't just cancel their room (s)

Girlsnightin · 05/04/2019 20:11

The mistake was booking on a promise and £25 deposit only. The least your sister should have done is get £50 a month off everyone rather than wait for the whole balance 6 week prior payment date. You'll be lucky if these are the only 2 to drop out as they'll only lose the bare minimum financially.

Shakeitoutnow · 05/04/2019 20:12

Maybe her financial situation has changed and she is embarrassed to say that.

amatsip · 05/04/2019 20:13

She seems to have had a lucky escape as you are coming across as a bridezilla type person.

If you carry on like this more might dropout.

Usuallyinthemiddle · 05/04/2019 20:13

The fact that her circs haven't changed is why she can't come!
Don't over think it. I know you didn't organise it but it's still a big financial commitment. It's unlikely to be personal. This was always going to happen. You can be miffed but don't be surprised.
It will get sorted. Things do.

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