Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To divorce DH because he sleeps too much

415 replies

Florriekinsx · 04/04/2019 07:38

DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 1. He’s always loved his sleep, but over the past year things have become rather extreme. We both work full time 9-5 jobs, have no DC and are young (I’m 25, DH 34). Every evening after dinner, DH will go in to the living room whilst I’m clearing the kitchen and by the time I’ve finished, he’s asleep on the sofa in front of the TV in his work clothes. He can fall asleep anywhere between 7:30pm-8:30pm and I won’t see him again until the morning when we head off to work. Friday evenings are the same and even weekends he’ll be asleep by 9pm. He’s had tests, so we know there’s no medical reason for this. Physically he’s very fit and heathy. DH just says he’s tired.

Whilst I’m happy with my own company, this happens every day... I’m desperately lonely and bored. I feel like I may as well be single. We cant watch films together, don’t chat in the evenings or even have a few drinks together, as he’s asleep before I have a chance to relax. I’ve spoken to him but things don’t change, he says he can’t help it. If we do go out for the evening, he’ll be asleep as soon as we return home. We had planned to TTC, but I’ve put that on hold as I’m concerned as to how he’d cope. From 7pm onwards I’d be left struggling by myself. I’m conscious that we have only recently married but the thought of spending the rest of my life like this fills me with dread. AIBU to think there’s more to life than this?

OP posts:
HeyCarrieAnneWhatsYourGame · 04/04/2019 07:41

That’s annoying, I would hate that. Maybe a multi vitamin formulated for energy? I don’t know if they’re a con or not but it’s what came immediately to mind.

womandear · 04/04/2019 07:41

More tests? Why on Earth is he so tired? Does he get stoned? Get up really early ? Exercise loads? Is he lazy?
It would be a deal breaker for me, not compatible with how I want to live.

HuntIdeas · 04/04/2019 07:41

Does he wake up again later or does he literally sleep for 12 hours a day?

If it’s the latter I would recommend getting a second opinion from a doctor, as there must be something causing that!

LizzieSiddal · 04/04/2019 07:42

My Dh is a bit like this, he will fall asleep around 8.30 but it doesn’t bother me as we work together all day, so I do see him. Dh wakes around 4 every morning, he’s tried to change but just can’t.

In your situation I’d feel very lonely too as your hardley seeing your Dh. Does he know it really bothers you?

Fairylea · 04/04/2019 07:43

Is he eating healthily? Getting enough exercise?

I think he needs a second opinion re medical conditions. It’s not normal for someone aged 34...!

LizzieSiddal · 04/04/2019 07:43

*you’re

LizzieSiddal · 04/04/2019 07:44

What time does he wake in the morning?

Original poster
Florriekinsx · 04/04/2019 07:44

He doesn’t do any drugs, he goes to the gym but in the morning. He will wake around 6am, so he is an early riser.

OP posts:
nonevernotever · 04/04/2019 07:45

Missing the point but surely he should be clearing the kitchen too?

gamerchick · 04/04/2019 07:45

I'd be saying he needs to be referred to a sleep clinic or the marriage is doomed.

Sit him down and tell him the stakes. You're lonely within your marriage and that won't bode well long term. As well as there's no way you're going TTC with him.

Also he can do chores in the evening as well so you can both catch up with each other.

KirrinIsland5 · 04/04/2019 07:46

Have you tried getting up at 6am to spend the morning with him?

lionelduty · 04/04/2019 07:46

What are weekends like, does he do much or is he still too tired to do much active stuff? My sister's dp is like this a bit.

If you wake him in the evening when you want to do something does he get a second wind or can he literally only sleep?

Gardai · 04/04/2019 07:46

Definitely get a second opinion/referral re his sleeping. That’s not normal - unless he enjoys sleeping so much.

Nowordsleft · 04/04/2019 07:48

Is he bored/lazy/depressed/can’t be arsed making an effort?

Loopytiles · 04/04/2019 07:48

Yes, why are you tidying the kitchen?

If you wake him up, how does he react?

Original poster
Florriekinsx · 04/04/2019 07:48

We both wake early, but there’s no time for chatting as he’s off to the gym then work. I just feel very alone. I’ve told him all of this but he doesn’t see the issue, it doesn’t change.

OP posts:
HotpotLawyer · 04/04/2019 07:48

How did you ever meet and go dating?

Is he just bored and has got into the habit?

Suppose you said you wanted to try a new regime and you both go to the gym or swimming or in summer a walk after dinner? Get his endorphins pumping and develop a new habit / rhythm?

And once a week go out for one drink?

Does he get any fresh air and excercise? Natural light?

Is he like this at weekends too? Does he seem depressed?

HotpotLawyer · 04/04/2019 07:50

So he has enough energy in the mornings to go to the gym?

What time does he get up?

Nowordsleft · 04/04/2019 07:50

Could you go to ththe cinema one night say early evening? Just give him a reason to stay awake? It sounds more like he’s just disengaged than genuinely tired.

RestingBitchFaced · 04/04/2019 07:50

If he's falling asleep in his work clothes when is he having a shower? Maybe he could go up for one after dinner and that might wake him up a bit? Not sure what he can do about it, apart from trying to alter his routine slightly, and maybe some vitamins

IM0GEN · 04/04/2019 07:50

Have you tried getting up at 6am to spend the morning with him?

The OP has just said that he goes to the gym in the morning .

Don’t settle for this life OP. You are just a flat mate who cooks dinner for him. You don’t need this at any age, let alone at 24.

Can I ask , how beer did you meet him and start dating , if he was always asleep by 8pm ?

I’m assuming you lived together before you married , what was he like then ?

ElspethFlashman · 04/04/2019 07:50

He definitely definitely needs to he referred to a sleep clinic. It's entirely impacting his life. He could have sleep apnea which means he is getting such shit quality of sleep that he is permanently tired.

If someone is sleeping the whole time, it is a medical problem and it won't show up with GP tests, it needs a sleep study, which is overnight.

You can't go on like this, nobody signs up for such a lonely marriage.

I would definitely say that if he refuses to get referred to a sleep clinic then you are not a team and he does not care about solving this, and then you have to look out for yourself.

Snowinsummer · 04/04/2019 07:50

Swap the gym session to an after work session if possible. It would wake him up! If he's an early riser & work allows it, he could always start a bit earlier & leave earlier.

Original poster
Florriekinsx · 04/04/2019 07:51

If I were to wake him up he’d be in a very bad mood, snappy/angry and would go straight back to sleep. I’ve woken him numerous times by mistake as I’m still busy doing things around the house and it doesn’t go down well.

OP posts:
BiscuitDrama · 04/04/2019 07:52

Was he always like this? And also, why are you clearing the kitchen without him?