Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To divorce DH because he sleeps too much

415 replies

Florriekinsx · 04/04/2019 07:38

DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 1. He’s always loved his sleep, but over the past year things have become rather extreme. We both work full time 9-5 jobs, have no DC and are young (I’m 25, DH 34). Every evening after dinner, DH will go in to the living room whilst I’m clearing the kitchen and by the time I’ve finished, he’s asleep on the sofa in front of the TV in his work clothes. He can fall asleep anywhere between 7:30pm-8:30pm and I won’t see him again until the morning when we head off to work. Friday evenings are the same and even weekends he’ll be asleep by 9pm. He’s had tests, so we know there’s no medical reason for this. Physically he’s very fit and heathy. DH just says he’s tired.

Whilst I’m happy with my own company, this happens every day... I’m desperately lonely and bored. I feel like I may as well be single. We cant watch films together, don’t chat in the evenings or even have a few drinks together, as he’s asleep before I have a chance to relax. I’ve spoken to him but things don’t change, he says he can’t help it. If we do go out for the evening, he’ll be asleep as soon as we return home. We had planned to TTC, but I’ve put that on hold as I’m concerned as to how he’d cope. From 7pm onwards I’d be left struggling by myself. I’m conscious that we have only recently married but the thought of spending the rest of my life like this fills me with dread. AIBU to think there’s more to life than this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Florriekinsx · 04/04/2019 08:13

We don’t tend to do much on week day evenings, but when we do have meals out, see family etc. He will manage to stay awake but as soon as we get home he’ll be straight to sleep. He moans that we have no sex life, but we’d only have a one hour slot before he’s asleep on the sofa... believe it or not I don’t always fancy pouncing on him at 6pm as soon as he gets through the door.

OP posts:
ZaZathecat · 04/04/2019 08:13

Similar situation with ex dh. It wasn't the only factor (and he wasn't lazy around the house), but it was definitely something that made me think I didn't want to spend the rest of my life like that.

thymeandplaice · 04/04/2019 08:14

Does he go to the gym every single day? He could cut back if that is making him so tired it’s affecting your relationship. If he won’t that speaks volumes. And sorry, but another one here aghast that he goes off for a kip while you clean up!

HattieRabbit · 04/04/2019 08:14

Urgh. DH is the same as this!
But he gets up for work at 5:15 and doesn’t gym (just works super hard) so I try to be understanding.

This morning I felt really pants and we both had a day off. For once I was really looking forward to a lie in. He forgot to turn his alarms off and all three went off at 15-20 minute intervals. I woke up, headache, feeling sick - I struggle to go back to sleep once I’m awake and he knows this.

He can sleep on a washing line so after the last alarm (just as I’d almost managed to drift back off) he snuggled down to sleep again and I’ve had none of it. Up and out of bed- if you wake me up on my day off then you’re getting up too.

He’s currently getting dressed (very feebly) and making me feel like an abusuvd monster 🤔😒

SunshineCake · 04/04/2019 08:15

Him saying he doesn't see the issue is him saying he isn't interested in your point of view.

You are very wise to put off trying for a baby, though since he's either at work, the gym or asleep I'm not sure where sex and then baby care would come in.

You can divorce your husband for any reasons. Don't worry about judgement. You are allowed to be happy and yes, get him involved in the cooking and clearing up.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 04/04/2019 08:15

Does he not do any chores or anything at all in the week then? Or do you gave to do everything as hes asleep.?

SlowDown76mph · 04/04/2019 08:16

The thing that would concern me is that he doesn't see (or choose to see) that there is a problem. I think he needs a big wake up call (sorry) to the fact that this is a big issue for your relationship.

If he isn't willing to at least see if there is a physical cause, or try to adapt to a more acceptable role in your potential family life, then it's time to move on. No babies with this man.

Vulpine · 04/04/2019 08:16

3 alarms? Jeez

Bronze · 04/04/2019 08:18

Is he like it all year round? I ask because I can quite happily sleep & wake with the sun. Great in summer, not so great in winter & I have to keep busy to stay awake. If I sit down after dinner & it's dark outside I'm asleep in minutes.

Agree with with previous posters about telling him to get busy after dinner. He should be doing his fair share of housework. If you don't sort that issue now you'll sorely regret it if/when you have kids.

Pantone333 · 04/04/2019 08:19

Does he have a physical job?

I’d arrange 3 nights when it’s ok for him to go to sleep early and the other 4 he has to make an effort to stay up until 10ish.

Can guarantee being on a promise would keep him awake

Redken24 · 04/04/2019 08:20

Has he had a sleep study? I would get a second opinion.

Lumisade · 04/04/2019 08:21

Wow, some people take marriage lightly.

I think the pertinent question might be do you love him or is this just an excuse to leave? If you do care for him then help him get better! Iron and vitamin supplements might help (they did for me, I had very low ferritin levels, normal haemoglobin levels but was exercising so much I was exhausted after work).

Don't throw your marriage away so easily, good people and relationships are rare and should be cherished. Can you imagine hurting him so much and living with yourself alone afterwards?

juneau · 04/04/2019 08:21

That's not normal OP. He's 34 and can't stay awake beyond 7.30 or 8pm? What time is he getting up to go to the gym - 3am?

A healthy adult needs 7-8 hours sleep per night. If he's regularly having/needing much more than that I would go back to the doctor and demand that more tests are done. Did he have his iron tested? Thyroid function? I would demand the whole nine yards at this point.

And as for having a baby - forget it! Either he does something about this ridiculous sleep habit or you leave.

Original poster
Florriekinsx · 04/04/2019 08:22

He doesn’t have a physical job, though admittedly it’s mentally draining. But I don’t think it can be work related as he’s just as bad at the weekends. Sometimes on a Saturday he’ll sleep in the afternoon too. It’s a real nightmare.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 04/04/2019 08:23

It sounds to me Lumisade that the husband is the only taking marriage lightly here. The OP is doing all the work, he's ignoring any concerns.

madcatladyforever · 04/04/2019 08:24

I go to bed early but then I'm nearly 60 and have health problems. I don't understand how a young man can be this tired unless there is something wrong with him.
Has he had blood tests? He either sounds terminally bored or has some kind of depression.
He could just be an early bird but there is something very wrong here and you need to tell him how you feel.
I don't know what kind of work he does - maybe he hates it.

KneelJustKneel · 04/04/2019 08:24

I have CFS/ME and I would be similar if managing to work full time. I have to balance out what I do in a day if I want to have energy later in the day and often end up in bed v early.

Its truly debilitating and people usually just think "oh you get tired" without realising the effect it has on everything in life when you cant function all day.

Although if hes waking up with energy for the gym it might not be that.

Could he move gym to late evenings ?

Original poster
Florriekinsx · 04/04/2019 08:25

He’s had thyroid, iron and all other blood related tests carried out. He’s taken supplements as well which have not lead to any improvements. No sleep studies though. Having spent a lot of my time hearing/seeing him sleep, it doesn’t seem as though he has sleep apnea!

OP posts:
Sitdownstandup · 04/04/2019 08:27

I would definitely want more medical input.

HoraceCope · 04/04/2019 08:28

go for an evening stroll op. wake him up that way.

MustStopSnacking28 · 04/04/2019 08:28

I don’t think this sounds right, there must be some kind of underlying issue for him to be so tired - fatigue is really awful so I do feel for him if it’s something causing fatigue BUT no excuse to make zero effort in either your relationship or your home. It sounds like he has a really great housemate who does everything for him at the moment but there is nothing in it for you. If I was you I would tell him exactly what you have said here about you are lonely and sad - but make it clear that if things don’t change then it’s over between you. If he doesn’t seem to care at least you know you don’t need to waste anymore time on him.

Original poster
Florriekinsx · 04/04/2019 08:30

We have had at least three conversations about this recently. The last time I broke down in tears and did eventually get him to understand how it’s making me feel. But things haven’t changed, he just says he can’t force himself to stay awake

OP posts:
mrsk28 · 04/04/2019 08:30

Myself and my DH tend to sleep early during the week because we're both up at 6 for work (not any more for me though - just started mat leave 😁).

But early is in bed around 10ish, chat for a while and drift off by 10:30 or so. And we both go to the gym most evenings. Weekends are totally different too.

There's no reason to be asleep by 7pm! He needs to change his gym sessions to the evenings because 6am is obviously too early for him to go and still be able to function. And it would give him more energy in the evenings, you could even go with him if you wanted. And he shouldn't be sleeping while you do housework. Would he consider a baby to be your responsibility too?

To answer your question I don't think I would rush to divorce after a year of marriage but I certainly couldn't put up with that forever!

pantsville · 04/04/2019 08:31

I would be encouraging him to see a doctor and get a blood test. It sounds really rather like he has an under active thyroid. I've suffered under active thyroid for many years and before getting my levels right, I could easily sleep between 12-14 hours a night regularly and still feel like I needed more. I was perfectly happy otherwise, just spent most of my time asleep or waiting for an acceptable time to go to bed. It's horrible really, looking back.

It would be extremely unusual for a healthy person to even be physically able to sleep that much. Obviously it's down to him to sort this out, but honestly, if it is his thyroid and he gets it treated, it could be life changing for him.

thymeandplaice · 04/04/2019 08:32

You said you’ve been married a year and this has being going on a year. Maybe he has a funny idea of married life - now that you’re his wife he doesn’t make an effort. Does his mum do everything for his dad? You haven’t replied to the comments about the housework - does he do anything? Sounds like that old fashioned set up of man with his feet up at home.