To divorce DH because he sleeps too much

[Florriekinsx]

DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 1. He’s always loved his sleep, but over the past year things have become rather extreme. We both work full time 9-5 jobs, have no DC and are young (I’m 25, DH 34). Every evening after dinner, DH will go in to the living room whilst I’m clearing the kitchen and by the time I’ve finished, he’s asleep on the sofa in front of the TV in his work clothes. He can fall asleep anywhere between 7:30pm-8:30pm and I won’t see him again until the morning when we head off to work. Friday evenings are the same and even weekends he’ll be asleep by 9pm. He’s had tests, so we know there’s no medical reason for this. Physically he’s very fit and heathy. DH just says he’s tired.

Whilst I’m happy with my own company, this happens every day... I’m desperately lonely and bored. I feel like I may as well be single. We cant watch films together, don’t chat in the evenings or even have a few drinks together, as he’s asleep before I have a chance to relax. I’ve spoken to him but things don’t change, he says he can’t help it. If we do go out for the evening, he’ll be asleep as soon as we return home. We had planned to TTC, but I’ve put that on hold as I’m concerned as to how he’d cope. From 7pm onwards I’d be left struggling by myself. I’m conscious that we have only recently married but the thought of spending the rest of my life like this fills me with dread. AIBU to think there’s more to life than this?

LittleMouse

You are missing something fundamental which is that you said you had ‘fatigue for years’.

According to OP, DH is not tired, he is ‘fit and healthy’, he gets up at 6am to go the gym. Friends report him as ‘lively’, it’s simply that he falls asleep early.

Sleepiness and fatigue are not the same thing.

Some chronic conditions that cause fatigue - such as ME and MS - also cause problems with sleep/insomnia too.

I am genuinely sorry for your health problems and the long path to diagnosis, but I think it’s highly problematic that you’re making this thread all about you and your health problems. Which may be completely irrelevant to the OP.

If the OP reported that her DH ‘was tired all the time’, she would have got completely different advice.

Please stop telling me what I did. I didn't persist. Every now and then I went to my GP. I was only diagnosed when I collapsed

I apologise. I thought you said you knew something was wrong and from that I thought you persisted. There's no need to get so annoyed about it.

TatianaLarina

I haven't had fatigue. I have been going to work, coming home at 2pm and going to sleep. Sleeping for a couple of hours, eating something, going to bed at 7 or 8pm and sleeping. Not that different to the OPs husband.

Perhaps if your DH had received the same advice and taken a stance then you would have asked about a sleep clinic, went to counselling to discuss how it impacted your relationship, returned to the GP.

What good would a sleep clinic do me? And I did go to the GP for other health problems as well as this. Assured nothing was wrong. I have heart failure. Going to a sleep clinic wouldn't have diagnosed me.

All I have been trying to point out is that a GP telling you that you are ok is not the same as being ok.

I was quite able to function at work because I forced myself. If we had to go out somewhere I forced myself to go. Most people wouldn't have noticed anything wrong.

I am just trying to point out the other side here. Going to work, going to the gym a couple of times a week but falling asleep for hours doesn't always mean everything is ok physically.

Could it be narcolepsy?

I haven't had fatigue

Well that’s what you said. ‘Fatigue for years’ was a direct quote.

You also said you would come home and go to bed ‘2 in the afternoon’. Which the DH is not doing.

I think it’s fine if you want support for your experience, but maybe not on someone else’s thread where it may not be relevant.

By fatigue I meant tiredness, as in as soon as I sat down I fell asleep.

I'm not looking for support on here. I posted another perspective but then resented people who kept saying "well, yes but you or didn't do this" when it wasn't correct.

I was simply trying to show the OP that just because initial tests are normal it doesn't definitely mean that there is no under lying cause and maybe she might want to think about it before leaving her marriage.

Of course, she doesn't need any reason to leave other than she just wants to.

I have insomnia (or delayed sleep - unfortunately, the local NHS services see any middleaged woman with sleep issues as needing antidepressants, so won't refer me for further investigation).

If it were left to me, I would go to sleep late and wake up naturally. But I can't. I have a job.

The way I manage it is by NOT SITTING DOWN when I'm tired. If I sit down, I doze off - and then I'm bolloxed until about 5.45am, whether it's for ten minutes or three hours. Obviously, going to sleep at 5.45am is a really bad idea for maintaining employment.

The other thing I do is work in multiples of 90 minutes. There's something about human sleep cycles lasting that long - if you are woken up before the lighter sleep that happens towards the end of each cycle, you feel like shit.

He wakes up happily at 6am. If you count back in 90 minute blocks, that means he's in lighter sleep at 4.30am, 3.00am, 1.30am, midnight, 10.30pm, 9pm and 7.30pm.

He has to stay up until 9pm. Which means being UP, not sitting down. Have white/cool LED bulbs on, keep the house lights on all the time, including the Big Light if you have one. Obviously, once he goes to bed at 9pm, he'll be out like a light, but he'll still be able to wake at 6am because it fits in with his natural sleep cycles.

He won't like it. But if I manage to haul my carcass to work after 90 mins sleep - or none at all - and still deal with several hundred teenagers without killing them or going insane, he can bloody well make himself stay up for 90 minutes.

I'd sit down and speak with him one last time, explain how it's making you feel, the effect its having, ask him if he is happy with it or wants to change. Surely he would be happier if he was able to sleep 8 hours a night. Is he depressed?

If he wants to change, the things I'd try would be:

• Cut out the gym for 2 weeks. He doesn't need to get up at 6am. See what happens. Even if he still gets up at 6am, is he going to bed any later or less tired? He could be doing 3 hours of insanity workouts for all we know.

• Try prolonging going to bed just by a little bit. E.g. instead of 7:30pm, aim for 9pm. If that works, aim for 10pm. What would be ideal sleep times? I guess it depends if he wants to carry on with the gym and/or waking at 6am (the gym should be way less important than you!). Would him sleeping from 10pm to 6am be a good goal?

• The difficult one: rule out underlying problems. Easy to say, difficult to do.

The bottom line is though, if he doesn't see it as a problem, none of this would help. But why wouldn't he see it as a problem? Does he want to spend all of his evenings asleep? No one healthy would want that surely - which to me indicates depression. He may not seem depressed.

Good luck.

I feel maybe a bit like your hubby.

I'm always up at 5am for work and by time i get home i always fall asleep because i am knackered anyway. I do make an effort to wake up and spend some time with OH when he gets in but it doesn't feel like we then have much time before i end up going back to bed for my early start again the following day.

I also sometimes have depression and anxiety which just makes me tired and sleep much more than i usually would, so could maybe be an issue if he has lost interest in his hobbies etc, stuff like that?

I do feel like sleeping too much is wasting life and think you would be hard pressed to find anyone who disagrees

Most people are concerned for themselves if they're that tired. They're like wtf is wrong with me? I'm not getting anything done, I'm missing out on life.
He just doesn't give a shit.

OP - could he do some chores in the morning. Maybe 1 day a week you can go to bed early and wake up to see him then on another day he can do the same for you?

I work a shift pattern so change my body clock a lot. Not the healthiest but people do it. People also do it when they travel, so it’s not impossible. It’s useful to have an early person to deal with young kids - but I wouldn’t think about kids until you smooth out relationship a bit

Missing the point but surely he should be clearing the kitchen too?

I thought this too

Definitely investigate sleep apnoea need referral to ENT surgeon.

He does need to get checked out as this isn't normal (and it;s impacting on you too)

I'd gone to the GP before, back and forward for a few months because I was sleeping all the time - for a while I put it down to pneumonia, but it wasn't getting better - kept getting told it was normal

I'd go to work, but be asleep within about 20 minutes of sitting down and relaxing - could go to an exercise class and be fine because I was keeping going - but the second I stopped it was like I shut down

Finally bone marrow shut down a few days after I had the test to diagnose the issue - but had the test Friday and collapsed Monday before 7am so hadn't had the results

Speak to him - and offer to go with him to the GP

Everything Mitzimaybe said x1000, especially this:

"Oh and just to clarify - you wouldn't be divorcing him because he sleeps too much, you would be divorcing him because he is an uncaring shit who doesn't pull his weight around the house, doesn't care a fig about your feelings but expects you to tiptoe around him and keep a nice house for him - but silently - while he lazes around in the evening and goes to the gym in the mornings."

He does not see you as his spouse, his equal; he sees you as a glorified domestic appliance, just like his mother's half-life . You do all the domestic chores and sex too - well, if he ever bothered to stay awake. He gets to have the life he wants - gym, work, food, sleep. You get sod all. He snatched you up when you were 20 and he was 29, and has trained you to do his bidding (the snappiness if you wake him etc.) Sorry, but for me that's another indicator of the type of man he is (a shit one).

It's a total dealbreaker. he knows you are unhappy, and he doesn't care. Oh, he cares enough to gripe about not enough sex (but not enough to actually stay awake for sex) but it's still all about him. Not about your loneliness, which to me is the crux of the matter. Nobody marries to be lonely. And nor should they accept loneliness within marriage. You need out, and soon. Don't be fooled by any promises he makes - he won't keep them.

Fuck me I'm exhausted. I parent 24/7. I could quite happily sleep 12 hours a day. When I was married I ALWAYS (in spite of being an owl) got up early doors and sorted my 3 whilst my (now) exh decided in what he would, and would not participate. I didn't want to get up. There were times when I was floored by exhaustion. I still just did it and so have many millions of others, both male and female. I'm 50 in 3 months. I am a lone parent to 3 and have been so for nearly a decade.

I've known people with life limiting illnesses who have shown more willingness to engage.

He may have an illness. But if he loved and cherished his wife, he would want to work with her to come up with a solution.

Sounds terrible, OP. When I was your age I used to squeeze as many hours out of the day as possible. I was never home. This is the time of your life when you should be out having fun and being carefree before life becomes full of responsibility. Yet what you’re describing sounds awfully boring.

My in-laws all seem to sleep excessively - often more than 12 hours within 24 hours - and they’re as boring as batshit. Never have anything to say, never have any interest in anything, never achieve anything, very narrow view of the world. And none of them have any real responsibility either so no excuse. Bizarre.

Maybe there is something medical going on but it sounds like he isn’t interested in changing the status quo anyway so it’s not like he’s striving to improve things for himself or your marriage. Are you sure there’s no secret drinking going on?

What job does he do Op - you have said it is emotionally draining?
Are there any other issues going on - money, parents health, you mentioned Ttc - how much have you talked about this? Is he an only child?
Have you not tidied up after dinner and left it or do you do it resentfully? If you left it til the morning would he do it or leave it?
Do you have any interests of your own that you do in the evenings? What did you do in the evenings when you were single?
You have only been married a year - this is relatively short - did you live together beforehand and if so how long?

I don’t think it’s his sleeping that is the issue - it’s a lack of effective communication and understanding of each other. If you have complained about his lack of effort but just carry on and do it anyway he will not take you seriously - it is probably just as “out of character” for you not to tidy up and leave things in a mess as it is for him to help considering his family background!

Do you always prepare food in evening? - what would he do If you were not hungry or ill? The staying asleep in work clothes on the sofa all night is an issue - does he not wake up at all - or is he awake when you are asleep and hiding this from you ?

I need a lot of sleep always have done - as a baby my parent’s had to walk me round he garden to wake me up to feed me. Most of my adult life I will be in bed before 9pm I’m a morning person normally. I say normally because currently I am tired all the time - I have depression which affects my mood and need for sleep - I sleep most days during the day for 2 hours but can still sleep for 9 - 10 hours at night. I can be “lively” I fall asleep on car journeys even mid morning - I’m in my 50s but have always been like this! I do not believe in “work til you drop” sleep is more vital to our wellbeing than we give priority too!

I had a work colleague who could function on 5 hours sleep a night - I could get so much done if this were me but it’s not - I have to ration myself or I become extremely grumpy and snappy - main reason for antidepressants - as far as I’m aware I have no other underlying health issues.

You could decide to leave the marriage and find a new partner - someone who is awake in the evenings - they may have hobbies that take their time or work ( as my Xh did and at weekends too and this is just as lonely) you say your DH is happy for you to go out in the evening - maybe you need to develop some interests of your own? Do you have many friends?

There are some very cynical views on here - default seems to be LTB rather than work on your own happiness first - if you have done all this then fair enough - personally I’d love to have the time and the energy to pursue some of my own interests and know that my DH was happy for me to do this - How does he treat you otherwise Op?

Haven’t had time to read the full thread I’m sorry, so I’m not sure what tests he’s had, but unfortunately being told that tests are normal doesn’t mean there’s nothing wrong, or even that the tests are optimal and don’t signify a problem. I’ve been battling this for years and have diagnoses of ME and fibromyalgia but don’t believe I have either - it’s just the easiest thing to say when cursory blood tests are in normal range (which is a far cry from normal, sadly, in some cases eg thyroid). Your DH sleeps as much as I do (or rather used to, before I had twins and couldn’t sleep as much) with those diagnoses.

A huge proportion of U.K. residents are vitamin D deficient due to the lack of sun, especially those who spend the middle of the day indoors working. Unfortunately your average over the counter supplement doesn’t contain anywhere near as much as you need if you’re deficient - I’m on 25x the amount in an average multivitamin. There’s info online on effective and safe vitamin D protocols.

If he wants things to change then I would find out what tests he’s already had done, and get copies of the results. Do some research to find out whether those results are actually okay or just fall within an accepted range and dismissed. Then do some private blood tests through a company like Medichecks on a range of things - vitamins, thyroid, b12, hormones. Something may show up that he can take to his GP and ask for further investigation.

If he doesn’t want things to change, that’s the problem that will lead to the end of your marriage rather than the sleeping.

Also on a side note, one of the reasons I exercise and keep fit is to give me extra energy to cope with the demands of family life and work. If I don't exercise I have less energy.

Very interesting to see the different tone on this thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3547298-How-bad-a-mum-am-I?pg=3&order=

Apart from 1 poster towards the end, and who is then criticized for being harsh, the other posters are defending the OP and practically insisting that there is an underlying condition. Can't see 1 poster who says her husband should leave her or that she is lazy.

Very interesting to see the difference between the 2 threads

If you read it it’s a completely different scenario - that OP has a vascular disease and spends half the day in bed.

While I’m sorry for your health problems Mouse, this is beginning to look like you’re hijacking the thread for your own ends.

The other difference with the two threads is the person who's sleeping too much on the other thread is seeking help and desperately worried about how it's affecting her family.

The person who's sleeping too much on this thread has to be told how much It's affecting his wife and his actions show he just doesn't care.

Massive difference.

And the other thread is written by the person, not by her partner, so we are hearing her account and not how her partner feels, as we are here.

She also says that, although she has a vascular condition, she doesn't think that is causing the tiredness.

She is also exercising frequently.

There are enough similarities to this case and yet the tone of the replies are very different.