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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To divorce DH because he sleeps too much

415 replies

Florriekinsx · 04/04/2019 07:38

DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 1. He’s always loved his sleep, but over the past year things have become rather extreme. We both work full time 9-5 jobs, have no DC and are young (I’m 25, DH 34). Every evening after dinner, DH will go in to the living room whilst I’m clearing the kitchen and by the time I’ve finished, he’s asleep on the sofa in front of the TV in his work clothes. He can fall asleep anywhere between 7:30pm-8:30pm and I won’t see him again until the morning when we head off to work. Friday evenings are the same and even weekends he’ll be asleep by 9pm. He’s had tests, so we know there’s no medical reason for this. Physically he’s very fit and heathy. DH just says he’s tired.

Whilst I’m happy with my own company, this happens every day... I’m desperately lonely and bored. I feel like I may as well be single. We cant watch films together, don’t chat in the evenings or even have a few drinks together, as he’s asleep before I have a chance to relax. I’ve spoken to him but things don’t change, he says he can’t help it. If we do go out for the evening, he’ll be asleep as soon as we return home. We had planned to TTC, but I’ve put that on hold as I’m concerned as to how he’d cope. From 7pm onwards I’d be left struggling by myself. I’m conscious that we have only recently married but the thought of spending the rest of my life like this fills me with dread. AIBU to think there’s more to life than this?

OP posts:
melissasummerfield · 04/04/2019 08:34

Does he also have trouble remembering things?

My DH was like this and was diagnosed with hyperparathoroydism - he had to have surgery.

Ask for a blood test to check calcium levels.

pantsville · 04/04/2019 08:34

I do apologise, I now see while I was writing my post you explained he's had the tests carried out already.

Hmm, I would still suggest a return to the GP though as it really doesn't sound healthy

HarrysOwl · 04/04/2019 08:34

The problem isn't the sleep.

The problem is that you've voiced your concern and he's not listening.

It could be 1) medical reason 2) his gym/work lifestyle 3) habit

Or a bit of all the above. If he's happy as things are and unwilling to address it, that's unfair on you.

I would talk to him (Saturday morning maybe?) and make it gently clear how unhappy you are and how lonely you feel. Tell him you need to find a way forward. Be honest but kind.

But I wholeheartedly agree with PP - don't put your life on hold. Go out. Do a few evening classes, see family, even see a movie by yourself - you'll feel more empowered.

He'll either make an effort and sustain a change, or he won't. In the end, he'll be the one deciding if the marriage will work or not. You can't carry on like this if you're so unhappy, OP. And I agree, hold off TTC.

lyralalala · 04/04/2019 08:35

Does he wake up refreshed? Or is he still tired in the morning?

Ihatehashtags · 04/04/2019 08:35

That’s not a marriage and unless he is depressed or a secret alcoholic there is something else seriously wrong with him. Basically he’s not able to function like a normal human being. He would be a terrible father so definitely dont have a baby with him. Tell him to sort it or get out.

LizzieSiddal · 04/04/2019 08:36

We have had at least three conversations about this recently. The last time I broke down in tears and did eventually get him to understand how it’s making me feel. But things haven’t changed, he just says he can’t force himself to stay awake

He really doesn’t care about your feelings.

I’d be giving him an ultimatum- couples counselling or divorce.

CraftyYankee · 04/04/2019 08:36

You are unhappy. He doesn't see a problem. Does not bode well.

You can't change him, only yourself. If you make it clear to him that you are miserable and he is still unwilling to change then you have a simple choice. Live like this for the rest of your life (which is a loooong time at your ages) or leave.

ElspethFlashman · 04/04/2019 08:36

Just cos you can't see it, doesn't mean there's not a sleep disorder.

My 4 year old son has sleep apnea, he's getting his adenoids out and hopefully that'll improve things hugely. He can sleep 13 hrs and still be wrecked. Permanently looks tired. Healthy as a horse otherwise.

trendingorange · 04/04/2019 08:38

Yes to the sleep study, pay privately if you can't get it on the NHS.

If he won't do the sleep study your marriage is over.
If he doesn't take your feelings into consideration your marriage is over.
If he's happy to have a nice kip while you do all the house work/life admin your marriage is over.

I was very lonely in my marriage, I wasn't no way going to have child in a lonely marriage, I wanted my children to have 2 parents working together.
Ended in divorce, and I regret that I ever got into the relationship in the first place.

I think you will probably have to leave op if you want anything out of life other than going to work and housework.

It's sad, but you are so young, who would you be for the next 70 years?

juneau · 04/04/2019 08:38

he just says he can’t force himself to stay awake

Oh, but he can! He could help you with the washing up, then you could go out for a walk or do something that would keep him awake. If you're both convinced that it's not a medical or sleep problem then maybe he's just got into this habit of over-sleeping and so he thinks he needs it and is powerless to do anything about it. Is he willing to try and address it by actively keeping himself up until a more normal time? He'll have to change his evenings completely from sitting down on the sofa after dinner and allowing himself to drift off, to actually doing things. Surely he can see that this is no way to live for such a young couple? And god help you if you have a baby.

TheVanguardSix · 04/04/2019 08:39

I'm going to jump right in here and say 'divorce'.
You have no kids, you're young. If he's like this now, there is just so little hope of him changing.

I'm close to 50. DH is 60. We have a similar problem, though at least we spend about an hour chatting when he comes in. It's not as extreme a problem as yours. And even I get resentful. But seriously, your situation takes the cake. It's completely and utterly lonely. And how boring! You're both young and childless. He sounds like a complete bore. And he doesn't seem to mind being a complete bore, leaving you to it in the evenings. If DH were like this years ago in our early days, I would definitely not be with him now.

You will build up nothing but resentment... and rightfully so. He's checking out of the marriage. If there are no health issues and he has no addiction problems, then sorry, he's made a choice not to invest in his marriage. How is your sex life, dare I ask?

And you should NOT need to wake up at 6am to spend time with him. Why should you do the checking-in for him? He's the one checking-out.

KneelJustKneel · 04/04/2019 08:39

Being exhausted and having fatigue is truly horrible.

Its like being so tired you have to sleep/cant stay awake every day.

There isnt a cure for ME/cfs just coping mechanisms. If he has this then no amount of changing will make much difference. Apart from cutting down what he does (the gym?)

Bluerussian · 04/04/2019 08:39

You could ask him to give you a hand in the kitchen, clearing up after dinner. That's not at all unreasonable - and to help you with cooking at weekends.

Other than that, some people are just like that, my husband has always been so inclined. Does mean you have the TV ti yourself and I expect he's cuddly when you both get to bed.

Needs to be discussed.

lyralalala · 04/04/2019 08:39

Just cos you can't see it, doesn't mean there's not a sleep disorder.

This.

My DD has narcolepsy and until people see her cataplexy (not everyone has this) it's often assumed she's just lazy or stays up late. Whereas actually the problem is that even though she sleeps a lot the quality of sleep is very poor so she's not refreshed.

Does he sleep well? Does he have dreams/nightmares, wake in the night or fidget? Does he wake refreshed in the morning?

TheVanguardSix · 04/04/2019 08:42

The problem isn't the sleep. The problem is that you've voiced your concern and he's not listening.

This. With bells on. How can you fix what he's unwilling to acknowledge? He doesn't want to be a better partner. What does that say about him? You've cried and begged and still, no change. Hmm

Flowers
Gingersstuff · 04/04/2019 08:44

He can force himself to stay awake by not parking his arse on the sofa after dinner and helping you with the household chores like the adult he presumably is. He has the nerve to moan about lack of sex when he’s the one whose behaviour is facilitating it?
It’s all very convenient for him isn’t it? He gets to nap like a toddler while you do everything for him like an unpaid skivvy.
If he’s not listening to you - and he’s not - get rid of him. He’s not bringing anything to you or your marriage and you’re too young to be sat in night after night wasting away like this.

3out · 04/04/2019 08:45

Agree with HarrysOwl.

woollyheart · 04/04/2019 08:45

It sounds like he can stay awake when he is doing things. When he sits down and does nothing he falls asleep.

If you want to be together with him, you need to do active things together. He could prepare the meal with you and clear up afterwards- not many people fall asleep at the kitchen sink.

hobblingawayslowly · 04/04/2019 08:48

You haven't said why you do all the clearing up.

RedForShort · 04/04/2019 08:48

It's not clear if he does any 'chores' (But it does come across that he doesn't.)

On the TTC side of things, as it stands I imagine he'd cope with a baby by letting you do it all why he sleeps, works or is at the gym. No one truely know how their partner will behave as a parent until the baby has arrived. You can get hints though. You might be unfortunate and discover he also expects you to keep the baby quite, and get angry with you if the baby wakes him.

Coronapop · 04/04/2019 08:49

LTB, you're still young and will meet someone else. Do not have children with this man. In the divorce papers remember to include all the things he does not do (help with household chores, talk to you in evenings etc) rather than just focusing on the sleep issue. My DH has terrible sleep patterns and I can tell you from over 20 years of experience that it is virtually impossible to get someone to change ingrained habits even with medical advice etc. My solution has been to accept it and work around it - but I married late in life.

HarrysOwl · 04/04/2019 08:49

There isnt a cure for ME/cfs just coping mechanisms

Off topic but I'm completely cured from Me/CFS. It can happen.

And I think if OPs DH is managing the gym on top of a full time job, he hasn't got an issue like that.

Spaghetticarbanana · 04/04/2019 08:49

My DH was like this. Said he had no control over it etc.
In the end, after several times trying to discuss it, me with PND having a break down from sleep deprivation I said that he was opting out of responsibilities by choosing to sleep and I wouldn't accept it any more. I stopped enabling him and told him that if he truly felt he had no control over it then he needed to go to the doctor's and tell them that, he would need to have his driver's licence taken from him and lose his job. It was either that serious or it was just selfish behaviour.
He stopped doing it. He accepted that it was a choice not a medical condition, it wasn't fair for him to choose to opt out of parenting, housework and all the other responsibilities. It has completely changed our lives and our relationship.
If he hadn't changed I would have left.
Good luck OP, sorry you're living with this.

ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 04/04/2019 08:51

Cut your losses. He’s putting too little in, imagine another 25 years of it. You’ll die of boredom.

Just to add, I don’t suppose he’s trying to avoid sex? There are quite a few posters on here with partners who either get to bed really early or who go to sleep very late in order to avoid intimacy. If that’s the case then that’s the problem.

Either way, you should be having more fun. Life’s short.

CryptoFascist · 04/04/2019 08:52

Don't let him sit on his arse after dinner while you clean the kitchen, he's getting comfy and dosing off. Needs to be up and busy and what better way than doing his share of the cleaning and tidying.