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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To divorce DH because he sleeps too much

415 replies

Florriekinsx · 04/04/2019 07:38

DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 1. He’s always loved his sleep, but over the past year things have become rather extreme. We both work full time 9-5 jobs, have no DC and are young (I’m 25, DH 34). Every evening after dinner, DH will go in to the living room whilst I’m clearing the kitchen and by the time I’ve finished, he’s asleep on the sofa in front of the TV in his work clothes. He can fall asleep anywhere between 7:30pm-8:30pm and I won’t see him again until the morning when we head off to work. Friday evenings are the same and even weekends he’ll be asleep by 9pm. He’s had tests, so we know there’s no medical reason for this. Physically he’s very fit and heathy. DH just says he’s tired.

Whilst I’m happy with my own company, this happens every day... I’m desperately lonely and bored. I feel like I may as well be single. We cant watch films together, don’t chat in the evenings or even have a few drinks together, as he’s asleep before I have a chance to relax. I’ve spoken to him but things don’t change, he says he can’t help it. If we do go out for the evening, he’ll be asleep as soon as we return home. We had planned to TTC, but I’ve put that on hold as I’m concerned as to how he’d cope. From 7pm onwards I’d be left struggling by myself. I’m conscious that we have only recently married but the thought of spending the rest of my life like this fills me with dread. AIBU to think there’s more to life than this?

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 04/04/2019 07:52

Oh and you don't have to be fat to have sleep apnea, that's a myth. It can be anatomical. So it doesn't matter how "healthy" he is.

Original poster
Florriekinsx · 04/04/2019 07:52

And just to confirm, he certainly doesn’t appear depressed. As far as he’s concerned, things are great with us... Hmm

OP posts:
QueenOfTheAndals · 04/04/2019 07:53

Get him to clear the kitchen, that'll keep him awake.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 04/04/2019 07:53

Keep him busy, don't let him sit down - if he clears the kitchen and stays upright later maybe he wont' fall asleep

lyralalala · 04/04/2019 07:54

What tests has he had?

He sounds a little like my DD. She has a sleep disorder that means even though she sleeps a lot the quality of sleep is so poor she's still tired.

InfiniteSheldon · 04/04/2019 07:55

It's going to the gym at 6 that's the issue! My dh sleeps for hours if he works all day and does heavy workout in gym and then has a sauna. He was going three four times a week when we first met and he would fall asleep every evening by 7/8 and sleep most of the weekend. He now only does heavy work outs once a week and acknowledges that it steals the whole day and he will only have a quick sauna as long saunas mean he useless all day. It seriously affected our relationship as, honestly it made him boring! Bloody gorgeous mind you think Daniel Craig coming out of the sea gorgeous but not worth it.

IM0GEN · 04/04/2019 07:55

I just feel very alone. I’ve told him all of this but he doesn’t see the issue, it doesn’t change

This is your problem in a nutshell. He doesn’t care how you feel.

Even if he addresses the sleep issue, this will still be there. It’s part of his personality and entitled attitude towards you.

Leave now, while you are young and have no kids.

Vulpine · 04/04/2019 07:55

He's got energy to go to the gym but not clean the kitchen Hmm

Original poster
Florriekinsx · 04/04/2019 07:55

When we met, things weren’t like this. He did like his sleep, but more like 9pm/10pm which whilst still early, felt acceptable.

OP posts:
Mamia15 · 04/04/2019 07:55

Why are you doing the chores instead of getting him to do his share? If he gets angry when you ask him to do these, then you have a big problem.

Quartz2208 · 04/04/2019 07:56

Yes you do the chores he does the gym
What do you get out of this OP

Michaelbaubles · 04/04/2019 07:58

It’s very controlling, especially as you can’t even make any noise around the house. I bet he’d not be happy if you went out without him while he was asleep....

So you have to spend every night in. You never talk to him. I can’t see when you’d have sex. You can’t do anything noisy and you end up doing all the housework. Yep, controlling.

Sarahjconnor · 04/04/2019 07:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Travelledtheworld · 04/04/2019 07:58

Tell him how you feel and offer him a shag if you both go to bed together ? That might give him an incentive to wake up,

clockworklime · 04/04/2019 07:58

If I were to wake him up he’d be in a very bad mood, snappy/angry and would go straight back to sleep. I’ve woken him numerous times by mistake as I’m still busy doing things around the house and it doesn’t go down well.

haha fuck that for a game of soldiers

FrozenMargarita17 · 04/04/2019 08:00

Must be lovely to go to sleep while someone else does everything while you do. Or it's a great cop out of actually doing anything! Can't help, I'm asleep. I might try it one time :)

Millimollimandi · 04/04/2019 08:02

I think they trick is to not let him fall asleep in the first place! After dinner he should help you clear up in the kitchen then before he gets a chance to sit and fall asleep go up and get changed and go out - even if it's only a walk around the block. Or get him to go to the gym in the evening for a week instead of the morning, if you could keep him awake for a few extra hours it might help his body clock.

Disfordarkchocolate · 04/04/2019 08:03

Did the tests look for sleep disorders?

Why isn't he tidying with you as you both work?

In my experience being lonely in a marriage is very close to being ready to divorce, any connection you had to him is being harmed by this and it won't be solved by him staying up till 9 pm a couple of nights a week. He needs this pointing out.

howmanyleftfeet · 04/04/2019 08:03

Tell him how you feel and offer him a shag if you both go to bed together ? That might give him an incentive to wake up

This is terrible advice!

Sex is not currency.

The OP's DH should care for her feelings not have to be bribed with sex to stay awake.

Fairylea · 04/04/2019 08:04

My now ex dh started to do this right before he left me. I think it was him checking out of the relationship. If someone doesn’t care about how this is affecting you then it says a lot about where their head is.

Springwalk · 04/04/2019 08:04

I second the fact that getting up at 6am for the gym is the most likely source of the problem. Doing a full gym routine that early and then working all day, he is going to be really tired the minute he arrives home.

I would ask him to change it. If he is not prepared to try and adjust his lifestyle so that your marriage can survive then I don't know what more you can do than leave the marriage. I hate to say it, but he is likely to get worse with age as well, and there is no way you could have children. He would be of no help at all, and they tend to wake a lot in the night so it just wouldn't work.

I am not sure I can see a future, unless he does something drastic. Be honest and open about this, he may respond favourably. The gym is not more important than you, and he may need to settle for going just at the weekends.

Vulpine · 04/04/2019 08:04

Tell him you burn alot of calories doing housework!

DrinkReprehensibly · 04/04/2019 08:07

Does he never see friends or family in the evenings, go to a friend's birthday party or work do? There must be occasions where he has to stay up past 7.30pm? How does he manage with that?

reallybadinterview · 04/04/2019 08:08

Fuck that. He does nothing in the evening while you do everything and then gets pissed off when he's woken from him beauty sleep.

Do not have a baby with him. You don't need this crap for the rest of your life. If you have kids you'll just become the skivvy while he naps.

eddielizzard · 04/04/2019 08:12

Well tell him to start pulling his weight and cook and clean for half the nights. Then start going out and having fun.

Right now you're tiptoeing and facilitating his extreme laziness.. He's in complete control of your relationship. You're doing everything around the house and he does fuck all.

So turn the tables. Use your power. Start going out with friends after work. Start doing a new hobby. Live your life, don't waste it at home watching him sleep.

You're right not to TTC right now. But word of warning, even though he might sort this out for a few weeks, how realistic is this long term?