To divorce DH because he sleeps too much

[Florriekinsx]

DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 1. He’s always loved his sleep, but over the past year things have become rather extreme. We both work full time 9-5 jobs, have no DC and are young (I’m 25, DH 34). Every evening after dinner, DH will go in to the living room whilst I’m clearing the kitchen and by the time I’ve finished, he’s asleep on the sofa in front of the TV in his work clothes. He can fall asleep anywhere between 7:30pm-8:30pm and I won’t see him again until the morning when we head off to work. Friday evenings are the same and even weekends he’ll be asleep by 9pm. He’s had tests, so we know there’s no medical reason for this. Physically he’s very fit and heathy. DH just says he’s tired.

Whilst I’m happy with my own company, this happens every day... I’m desperately lonely and bored. I feel like I may as well be single. We cant watch films together, don’t chat in the evenings or even have a few drinks together, as he’s asleep before I have a chance to relax. I’ve spoken to him but things don’t change, he says he can’t help it. If we do go out for the evening, he’ll be asleep as soon as we return home. We had planned to TTC, but I’ve put that on hold as I’m concerned as to how he’d cope. From 7pm onwards I’d be left struggling by myself. I’m conscious that we have only recently married but the thought of spending the rest of my life like this fills me with dread. AIBU to think there’s more to life than this?

Honestly OP, tell him again how you feel and then start living your life. Go to the gym at 7pm, meet friends for drinks in the evening, do an evening class.... have a life and leave him to sleep. I suspect he will find a way to wake up when he realises you have a life that he isn't part of. And if he doesn't, you have just made it a whole lot easier to call it a day with him.

I had this for a long time with my Dh but he was a shift worker and so it's kind of part and parcel really. He'd never snap at me if I woke him though. That's definitely not on. My DH understood that it was annoying for me although it was something he just couldn't help. He's not doing shift work now and it doesn't happen as often but he will sometimes fall asleep at the weekends in the evening.
I will say though when we had our dd, my life was hell. He just could not get out of bed at night and I was tortured with a lack of sleep.
I think personally he's going against his natural body circadian rhythm and that's why he's sleeping so much. Could he try sleeping in and doing the gym in the evening instead?

There really is no need for a sleep study he is prioritising the gym over you. You haven't addressed the gym issue in your posts do you consider it a factor? Have you asked him to stop. I was a fitness instructor for twenty five years. I've seen this pattern many times a dh who loves you will prioritise you. Many marriages flounder on men's addiction to weight training what happens when you ask him to skip the gym?

If I sit in front of tv in the evening I fall asleep, but I am twice your DH age !
I make every effort to stop the pattern. I keep active , tidy things , phone friends , walk up to the shop. Your DH is doing nothing to change this behaviour. Going to the gym sometimes after work would be a start.
Do you really want this to be your life ?

Leave him, he doesn't want to do anything about it.
Why should you be stuck skivving round this oaf?

@pantsville he’s had his thyroid function checked. Totally normal.

You’re basically incompatible so you probably need to leave

I suspect he will find a way to wake up when he realises you have a life that he isn't part of

If there is no underlying sleep disorder, then yeah, I suspect that he would be outraged at the idea that you weren't living a monastic life tiptoeing around whilst he slept his life away. He'd give you a guilt trip "but we could have gone together! Why didn't you wake me!". (The correct answer to this is "Oh I know how much you need your sleep, poor old thing") and if that didn't work he would either get nasty (in which case your marriage is well and truly over) or have a miraculous change and suddenly not be so tired in the evenings.

One things for sure, sleep study or not, you have got to stop with this Handmaiden shit. Tiptoeing about whilst cleaning? You are 25 years old. FUCK THAT. Put the ball in his court regarding a sleep study but in the meantime get out of that house in the evenings.

Is he generally lazy?

Re the gym, he doesn’t go every day. On the days he doesn’t go, he still falls asleep at the same time. So I’m not entirely convinced that the early morning gym sessions are causing it

What do you think op? Do you think it’s a health issue or disengagement or overdoing it at work/gym or what?

Just wanted to echo what Badwifey suggested - could you ask him to swap his gym to the evenings? His routine needs a shake up to see if that is the problem given that you have been down the medical route. If he refuses to change his routine, then I guess you have your answer - he cares far more about how his life is nicely organised than you or your marriage.

Do NOT have babies with him until this is sorted out.

The more sleep you get the more tired you are. He needs 8 hours sleep so he should be going to bed at 10pm if he’s up at 6 every day. Try and get him to commit to 2 weeks of really putting some effort in and going to bed at 10pm every night and see how he feels after that. He needs to be on board though! And no naps at the weekend!

How is going to the gym in the evening going to help? The OP wants more time with him not less?

Yeah, that certainly won't work with kids around. The time before and right after work is the only time a working parent gets to spend with them before they go to bed. How's that going to work when he's asleep.

Serious issue. If it was my wife I'd seriously consider an ultimatum while still offering the support needed if she was willing to see more specialists and do more tests.

I agree with pp, he needs to try harder to stay awake and cut down on the gym. I would also suggest looking at the environment where he drops off, is it too hot, too stuffy, too dark? Do you have a càrbon monoxide monitor?
I'm happy with 6 hours sleep but watching TV in dim light will make me drowsy any time of day.

Of course he can force himself to stay awake! How do night shift workers manage it ? Or mums of young babies and children?

What about the elderly people who care for a disabled or unwell spouse? How do they manage without sleeping 10 hours a night every day?

He doesn’t WANT to fix it. It’s not a problem to him. It’s a solution - he doesn’t have to spend time with you or do any chores.

You need to accept this life or leave.

And do not have babies with this man unless he sorts himself out because you’ll be stuck doing everything. Including still clearing up after him!

Do NOT have kids with this man!! My friend had kids with a man like this. Her life has been hell and she’s done all of the childcare and she’s permanently upset and it’s really made her unhappy. He’s moaning about lack of sex? Well I’m not surprised you don’t want to! It’s nit attractive being with somebody who spends no time with you and makes no effort. I’ll be honest, if it was me, I’d take out a flat rental for 6 months and move out. Call him on it. Let’s see how much he wants this marriage. If he wants to see you/sleep with you then he’ll have to make effort to come to your flat and take you out and date you. Make him step up. While you’re sitting there watching him sleep, your life is slipping away. Drastic action required. You could have another 50 years of this!!!! Yuk.

He gets up at 6am to go to the gym and then does a full day's work so he's clearly not completely lacking in energy or too depressed to have a life and he hasn't always been like this. If he falls asleep after dinner I would suggest eating later for a start, but more to the point you need to stop tolerating it. When you say he falls asleep in his work clothes, does he just sleep all night wherever he falls or does he go and get ready for bed at some point? If he doesn't want to do anything about it I think in your situation I would consider calling it a day. You are only 25 - ten years younger than him. It's not going to be much of a life for either of you if he refuses to sort himself out.

But why is he going in the living room while you clear up? He could stay awake by clearing up too.

There could very well be medical reasons for his need of sleep, just because has been found yet diesnt bean there isn't a reason. Good sleep is not just about quantity but quality. You say he has a mentally demanding job, that could mean him struggling to get into deep rejuvenating sleep.

As he has told you, it's not like he does it on purpose, he clearly struggles to stay awake. You seem to have little understanding of chronic fatigue. It's not a case of bei g absolutely fine on the two days you are not working.

You seem to be making it all about you rather than trying to be supportive of his sleep issue.

I feel for you OP, my other half (we don't live together) has severe narcolepsy, we barely see each other and as it currently is if he is awake for 8 hours out of 168 per week it's a good week.

The falling asleep in early evenings could be stemming from a sleep disorder or it could be CBA and avoidance of cleaning up. Does he have excessive sleepiness during the day? Is he relying on caffeine etc to get him thru?

OH had a good job, about to take over the family business, making good money when he started sleeping more and more firstly in evenings, bedtime was earlier and earlier, sofa to bed, late up in mornings then mornings became afternoons.

It doesnt matter how much he wants to do/go/see whatever if he looks forward to it its a higher chance it won't happen.

He wasnt with it enough to eat, drink or go to the toilet. His bladder is ruined from urine lying in it for days, he literally has no lining left in it. His stomach has shrunk as has his weight dropped from 17st to under 8st now cos he hasn't time to eat. His bowel has stopped several times as his body was in sleep.

He collapses to the ground if he has a strong emotion of any sort, he nearly has had "death by drowning in cornflakes" a few times by losing all muscle tone and face first into cereal because he laughed at something or thought about something funny.

With losing muscle tone he has been in a coma-like state in hospital, where I overheard 2 Drs saying I was denial as I insisted he was in a deep sleep and we were there cos of muscle tone or lack thereof. They insisted he was in a coma.

"Lazarus" woke up, sat up in bed, pulled drips out, wrapped himself in a sheet and went belting down the corridor cos he needed a smoke. Shouting that everyone was staring at him, mainly cos they had been trying to elicit a response for over 12 hours and "Lazarus" was running going for a smoke with me hot on his heels to keep him right.

We are fighting to get the treatment he needs but it's expensive and getting it on NHS is the stumbling block cos £££

OP If your DH has a condition it will do both of you good for him to have it investigated and treated and get coping skills for living with it,

if however, he isn't prepared to go back and get tests and other opinions, (cos something to hide) then I would say he is having a case of lazyitiz and letting you do all the work and only finding time for the things he wants and as not prepared to try to make you happy pending no medical reasoning for this, you would be better off without him.

Imagine you now have a baby to put into the mix. Who is going to do all of the clearing up after dinner, feeding the baby, changing the nappies, laundry, shopping, cooking, mental load etc...well it sure as hell isn't going to be your DH pitching in to help is it? And if he is says he will, I can bet he won't follow through. You will be going through pregnancy as tired as anything at times and will want someone to be your support and help with stuff about the house...and that's before the baby has arrived.

Do NOT have a baby with him. You are still only 24 years old. Fucks sake if he can't be bothered to sort his sleep issue out, then I'd leave and find someone who is willing to live an actual life with you, because this sounds like you are essentially living as a single person anyway. And big red flag with the getting angry with you if you wake him up. What an arse. You deserve better than this.

Thanks everyone. To answer the questions re chores, he doesn’t do much. I cook, clear up, do the washing, food shopping. We have a cleaner so that’s not an issue. He will cook at weekends and put a wash on or fold washing away if asked, but I do the majority.