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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To divorce DH because he sleeps too much

415 replies

Florriekinsx · 04/04/2019 07:38

DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 1. He’s always loved his sleep, but over the past year things have become rather extreme. We both work full time 9-5 jobs, have no DC and are young (I’m 25, DH 34). Every evening after dinner, DH will go in to the living room whilst I’m clearing the kitchen and by the time I’ve finished, he’s asleep on the sofa in front of the TV in his work clothes. He can fall asleep anywhere between 7:30pm-8:30pm and I won’t see him again until the morning when we head off to work. Friday evenings are the same and even weekends he’ll be asleep by 9pm. He’s had tests, so we know there’s no medical reason for this. Physically he’s very fit and heathy. DH just says he’s tired.

Whilst I’m happy with my own company, this happens every day... I’m desperately lonely and bored. I feel like I may as well be single. We cant watch films together, don’t chat in the evenings or even have a few drinks together, as he’s asleep before I have a chance to relax. I’ve spoken to him but things don’t change, he says he can’t help it. If we do go out for the evening, he’ll be asleep as soon as we return home. We had planned to TTC, but I’ve put that on hold as I’m concerned as to how he’d cope. From 7pm onwards I’d be left struggling by myself. I’m conscious that we have only recently married but the thought of spending the rest of my life like this fills me with dread. AIBU to think there’s more to life than this?

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 04/04/2019 09:17

swing that's because he won't do anything about his sleep issue. She was in tears the last time and he is just effectively shrugging his shoulders at this point.

Herja · 04/04/2019 09:17

I sleep like this, only I'm often awake in the night. I'm single though, so there's no problem with it.

With me its often a busy, but repetitive day so I'm both tired and bored. If I force myself to jist not stop, not sit down and do things for an hour or so, I'm a lot less likely to sleep after. Otherwise I'm asleep on the sofa as soon as the children are in bed. Maybe get him to clear the kitchen... Might wake himup a bit and if not, then at least you didn't have to do it.

Pashola · 04/04/2019 09:18

Just on the gym front, and I understand everyone is different, but I go to the gym at 4:30am, then went to work (when I was working) then come home and I have 3 children and I'd still not go to bed until 10pm.
Yes sometimes I'd be tired after work and have a 5 minute nap on the couch before the dinner routine. I just wanted to point out that it's probably not the gym making him so tired that he can't seem to function.

Runmybathforme · 04/04/2019 09:18

You can’t carry on like this can you ? Your DH is being very selfish, is there any chance he’s depressed ? You really need to have another conversation with him, lay it on the line for him. Has he always been like this ? Doesn’t sound like much of a life.

HarrysOwl · 04/04/2019 09:18

Thing is, it's not OPs responsibility to work out what's causing this.

Her DH is a perfectly functioning adult who should be listening to his wife when she says she's feeling lonely and unhappy because he has the bedtime of a toddler.

He should be doing something, at the very least acknowledging it's an issue.

It's limited and one-sided information OP, which I realise, but it sounds like he's actually perfectly happy with how things are?

If he doesn't care that you aren't happy, then that's the red flag for the marriage.

Problems of all shapes and sizes will pop up in a marriage - big and small, petty and important.

If he's not willing to listen and try to make things better for you both, then as I said upthread the marriage failing would firmly rest on his shoulders.

ginghamtablecloths · 04/04/2019 09:20

I agree that it's annoying and as you say he's had lots of tests so maybe it's nothing serious - yet.

Is his job very intense - does it take a lot out of him? Could he change to something else which is less tiring?

It's no way to live and I doubt he's happy with it either.

Huskylover1 · 04/04/2019 09:20

Blimey, that's nuts.

My DH is 46. He has a very physical job (Police Officer). When he's on day shift, he gets home at 5.30pm. We have dinner, chat, watch something good on TV, share a bottle of wine maybe, and we go to bed about 11.30pm. He could have been on his feet all day patrolling, or he could have been fighting in the street, it doesn't matter, we still have an evening together!

Not helpful, but I wanted to draw a comparison for you, and to highlight that this is utterly ridiculous (but you know that).

You do need him to try a sleep clinic. And let him clear the dinner plates, whilst you sit!

reallybadinterview · 04/04/2019 09:22

Thanks everyone. To answer the questions re chores, he doesn’t do much. I cook, clear up, do the washing, food shopping. We have a cleaner so that’s not an issue. He will cook at weekends and put a wash on or fold washing away if asked, but I do the majority.

This is really, really unacceptable op. I don't know why you are accepting this. I don't know if it's because you're young, but this is not how a partnership goes. He is not 'helping' you either when he does something around the house - it's not your bloody job. I would leave him for this alone never mind the sleeping.

Yabbers · 04/04/2019 09:22

To answer the questions re chores, he doesn’t do much. I cook, clear up, do the washing, food shopping. We have a cleaner so that’s not an issue.
And you’re considering having children with him?? If he doesn’t do his share now, what on earth makes you think he will do so when you have children?

Fast forward a couple of years and you’re lonely and upset, but also exhausted from doing everything including all the childcare. Is that what you want?

I often see threads about fathers not doing anything to raise their children and wonder why on earth people choose partners. I always assume it’s because their lives pre children were amazing so they didn’t realise or overlooked their laziness. But here you are with a partner who you already have issues with but still want to TTC.

Leave him.

MaxNormal · 04/04/2019 09:24

He will cook at weekends and put a wash on or fold washing away if asked, but I do the majority.
Don't accept that in your next relationship. You're not a skivvy.

MashedSpud · 04/04/2019 09:27

I feel sorry for you, 25 and living with rip van winkle.

Your choices are:
Go out when he falls asleep
Do a hobby when he’s asleep
Invest in a drum kit
Leave him.

The fact he isn’t trying to change, he slobs around while you clean up and he gets angry when you wake him would make me lean towards leave him.

You only get one life and he’s sleeping both of yours away.

Original poster
Florriekinsx · 04/04/2019 09:28

Thanks, you are all telling me what I already know deep down. I don’t think he’s capable of changing - he’s well aware of how I feel. Not just about the sleeping but about chores also. I never thought I could potentially be married and divorced by all well before 30.... but unfortunately it’s beginning to feel like it may end up that way.

OP posts:
LillianGish · 04/04/2019 09:28

You seem to have little understanding of chronic fatigue. Would someone with chronic fatigue be up at 6am for a gym session before a full day at work?

WeeBeasties · 04/04/2019 09:29

So he doesn't contribute to the chores much, is asleep by 19:30, and you have no sex life.
Why are you still with him?

LillianGish · 04/04/2019 09:31

I never thought I could potentially be married and divorced by all well before 30 this is irrelevant. Look on the bright side - you are only 25. Plenty of time to start over.

Huskylover1 · 04/04/2019 09:31

No sex life at 25 is bonkers. I'm 49 and couldn't cope with that.

crosspelican · 04/04/2019 09:31

I would switch up his routine first.

I don't know why you are cooking and cleaning - that's just odd. Cook together, he can clean the kitchen while you clear the table/making the living room nice, then sit at the TABLE for a glass of wine & a chat, then as the evenings get warmer, go for a walk before bed. Just never let his bum hit the sofa before 9.30!!

If he doesn't see the value in something like this, then yes, I would leave him, and be doubling up on the contraception in the meantime (if you ever get to have sex at all in between all his naps!).

thecatsabsentcojones · 04/04/2019 09:32

Could he have sleep apnea? I know someone with it, they were found to have been waking up a few hundred times a night. Obviously felt highly debilitated.

He must do tests for his own sake let alone yours, there is treatment available.

LillianGish · 04/04/2019 09:33

for a glass of wine - I would say alcohol is the last thing he needs. A strong coffee would be a better option.

thymeandplaice · 04/04/2019 09:33

Don’t worry about how it looks OP. Don’t stay because you’re worried about what people will think.

TomSmitten · 04/04/2019 09:34

I think the first thing that needs to change is you both tidy up after dinner together. At least that way you are spending time together and can't talk. He can then fall asleep if he wants and you'll have spent some time together. Totally unacceptable for him to laze about while you are still working. Do not have a child with this man if he doesn't at least start contributing to everyday housework. For reference, we have 2 dc, I work 4 days a week in a mid level job, dh works 5 days a week in a senior very stressful job. He does almost dishes, cooks a few nights a week, does all school and nursery drop offs as I can't in the morning. Before you have dc you need him to step up.

zoellafortitude · 04/04/2019 09:34

Autoimmune disease? They can take years to be diagnosed. I knew there was something wrong with me when I could sleep 18 hours a day and still be exhausted. Doctors didn't take it seriously of course until signs showed up on my lungs in an x-ray (sarcoidosis).

eddielizzard · 04/04/2019 09:35

Has this changed since you were married, or was he doing this in the run up to the wedding too? I ask this because once the commitment is made, there is a change in mindset if you're not careful, that you don't need to make much so much effort anymore. You can't just up and leave so easily. So why bother?

I would try again and explain that your marriage is on the line here. But if you say that, you have to mean it.

Uptheshard · 04/04/2019 09:35

Sounds like you are his carer. Imagine sticking with tbis guy and doing this for the next 60 years. I don't think so. Start going out having fun. Give him a deadline..things change or you go to the solicitor.

Smilingthru · 04/04/2019 09:36

He sounds lazy and likenits a habit. If u lay on the sofa of course he’ll fall asleep. He needs to keep going; help tidy up, put the hoover round. And then when u both sit down, he needs to sit up in stead of laying down.

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