To divorce DH because he sleeps too much

[Florriekinsx]

DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 1. He’s always loved his sleep, but over the past year things have become rather extreme. We both work full time 9-5 jobs, have no DC and are young (I’m 25, DH 34). Every evening after dinner, DH will go in to the living room whilst I’m clearing the kitchen and by the time I’ve finished, he’s asleep on the sofa in front of the TV in his work clothes. He can fall asleep anywhere between 7:30pm-8:30pm and I won’t see him again until the morning when we head off to work. Friday evenings are the same and even weekends he’ll be asleep by 9pm. He’s had tests, so we know there’s no medical reason for this. Physically he’s very fit and heathy. DH just says he’s tired.

Whilst I’m happy with my own company, this happens every day... I’m desperately lonely and bored. I feel like I may as well be single. We cant watch films together, don’t chat in the evenings or even have a few drinks together, as he’s asleep before I have a chance to relax. I’ve spoken to him but things don’t change, he says he can’t help it. If we do go out for the evening, he’ll be asleep as soon as we return home. We had planned to TTC, but I’ve put that on hold as I’m concerned as to how he’d cope. From 7pm onwards I’d be left struggling by myself. I’m conscious that we have only recently married but the thought of spending the rest of my life like this fills me with dread. AIBU to think there’s more to life than this?

How judgemental this thread has turned despite very little information. We know that he doesn't help to clear out after dinner but then OP has said that when he does, it is not to her standards, so I can see how after being nagged and her insisting she might as well do it herself, he would have given up.

We also have no idea what else he might be doing around the house. Maybe he is the one who takes the bin out in the morning, does gardening and DIY during the weekends. There's a lot more to contributing to chores than what many do in the evenings.

Also we don't know what job he does but know it is me tally demanding. It's easy to judge when you don't what it is like to work such jobs. It can indeed wipe you out totally.

As for the statement that he isn't really tiered because he gets up early in the mornings. What totally rubbish. The reality is that you can wake up feeling quite energetic and end up totally wiped by the time you get home from work.

I do agree that there is lack of communication I this relationship, but not near enough info to decide that he is just a lazy git.

That poster is also taking medication which may be contributing to her tiredness, and had breakdown and anxiety issues.

You're back are you Swing? Calling other people judgemental, then being very judgemental about OP (deciding she's a "nag").

The way he does do any housework is typical of many men who don't want to do it, who think it's "woman's work". It's even got a name, variations of "Learned helplessness" or "Strategic incompetence", because they learn that if they do it badly enough, the woman will take over and do it. Leaving grease splatters and a load of crumbs on the work surfaces is not having very high standards, like you imply. If you don't clean up those sorts of things, the place will soon be filthy and unhygienic, and he'd be the first to complain if OP left them.

Could he have Advanced Sleep Phase Disorder? It's a circadian rhythm disorder that affects sleep, but also other things. I have the opposite; DSPD.

It's common for people affected by CRDs to need more sleep than average too, because their other circadian rhythms are out of sync with each other, so their sleep is not as restful as it should be.

Narcolepsy??

If he’s willing to recognise there’s a problem work with you on this then I would be patient and hopefully things will improve. If he won’t recognise there’s a problem then unfortunately you’ll have to make a tough decision. It does sound like a difficult thing to go through and you really have my sympathy.

Haven't read the full thread but does he sleep in bed with you?
I had this with my partner and turned out there were other things keeping him up at night whilst I was asleep.

Get him to help after the meal with the chores so he doesn’t sit down. Sit down together then you can carry on talking etc

Looks like he is hypersomniac. I think long run he'll need a job with flexi hours so that he could sleep longer in the morning and have evenings for the family.

I'd think about looking at sleep disorders. They can occur in perfectly physically healthy people so blood tests don't show most of them. Sleep disorders can cause too much or too little sleep in many colourful ways.
My husband is an insomniac and I have delayed phase sleep (he doesn't sleep and I sleep well on a much much later schedule than the world or our toddler will allow!)
Some forms of behavioural therapies and training can help with some sleep disorders, it's a physiological treatment rathe than medical. That's more my thought if it's really a case of he can't physically stay awake, which he may be unable to help.
Or he's just a lazy bastard!

ZOMBIE!

@Viletta

Didn't you see the message when you went to post?

What does he envisage for your future? You mention ttc does he think he can carry on the same after having a baby? What about two?! This is not a problem for you to sort, explain to him why this is a problem and then it is his responsibility to come up with solutions, going to the gym after work, maybe even after dinner is a good shout, you could go together? But again unless he is willing to change this habit you need to consider what your future looks like!

Sounds a lonely marriage. Really feel for you. I be frustrated too. He doesnt seem to want to change though

Who knows? It was a year ago and the OP hasn't come back...

@Nanny0gg I did! I couldn't resist in case someone else is looking. It's a condition not lack of motivation I think