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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that women shouldn’t have to put up with this?

136 replies

getoffmyhandyousleazebag · 03/04/2019 08:05

Yesterday I had to wait in for somebody to come and inspect and collect DH’s old lease car. Eventually a man turned up (late). He spent a bit of time moaning about the disorganisation of his company, and then said “well this is going to take about half an hour- unless you want to stand there and watch me! Can I have the keys?”

I had the two sets of keys in my hand and passed them over to him. As I put them in his hand he grabbed my hand, kept hold of it so I couldn’t pull it away and repeatedly stroked it hard with his thumb. While doing this he looked me in the eye and said, “Now why don’t you go and make me a nice cup of coffee, my darling?”

I’d like to say that I said some clever comment back at him, but I felt so uncomfortable that I didn’t say anything - even standing there on my own doorstep. Also as he was inspecting a vehicle to look for things you can be charged for, I didn’t want to antagonise him.

I didn’t make him any coffee though.

He was a man probably in his 60s and working for a company called BCA.

AIBU to think that in this day and age no men should think that this is an acceptable way to treat a women in her own home, or anywhere?

(Namechanged for this as I am bound to mention it to someone in real life)

OP posts:
HopefulAgain10 · 03/04/2019 08:07

Well this has never, ever happened to me so I think you just met a very unpleasant, horrible man.
I also dont think you should be generalizing.

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/04/2019 08:08

Yuck. I'd complain and I hope you didn't leave him alone with the car.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 03/04/2019 08:09

I think it's very common. I've had similar, and so have most women I know.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 03/04/2019 08:10

As I put them in his hand he grabbed my hand, kept hold of it so I couldn’t pull it away and repeatedly stroked it hard with his thumb. While doing this he looked me in the eye and said, “Now why don’t you go and make me a nice cup of coffee, my darling?”

This is disgusting. Genuinely revolting.

You don't have to tolerate it, nor do you have to bite your tongue to not antagonise people like this. Anyone behaving that way needs calling out on it, and if they choose to be all huffy and make claims like "loosen up, I was joking" call them out on their bullshittery. It's fine to use really, really offensive language in a situation like this, and it's fine to use your own strength to prevent someone having uninvited contact with your body. I want to punch him in the ballbag on your behalf.

nrpmum · 03/04/2019 08:10

That particular man was unpleasant. Never come across any man like it, but then I'd have told him to get to fuck.

If you felt uncomfortable why haven't you complained to the company?

Original poster
getoffmyhandyousleazebag · 03/04/2019 08:11

Hopefulagain10 - I don’t think I did generalise, - I said no men should think this is acceptable- not even that one. I am perfectly aware that most men would not consider this appropriate behaviour.

I think I can generalise that it would only affect women though, as I can’t imagine that happening to a man.

OP posts:
CosyAsAToasty · 03/04/2019 08:12

Gross! report him to the company.

Original poster
getoffmyhandyousleazebag · 03/04/2019 08:12

I have complained

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 03/04/2019 08:15

Please make a complaint about him. If your unsure what to write/say ask for advise here. You need to know who to write to/what language to use inorder that the company don’t dismiss/ignore your complaint.

This is a deeply creepy, sexist man who should not be allowed to go to women’s homes, in any work capacity.

LizzieSiddal · 03/04/2019 08:15

Sorry floated with you. So glad you’ve complained.Flowers

Original poster
getoffmyhandyousleazebag · 03/04/2019 08:19

Thank you, Lizzie - I think I do need to do it more officially, as you say.

OP posts:
AverageMan · 03/04/2019 08:25

Sounds like he's from a different generation, where people were a bit more touchy feely.

bluebell34567 · 03/04/2019 08:27

that is totally unacceptable. i would have send him back at that moment.
definitely make an official complaint.

Original poster
getoffmyhandyousleazebag · 03/04/2019 08:30

Averageman....and tell women to make them cups of coffee...yeah

In my job I meet people of his generation all the time, and they don’t give me cause for complaint.

OP posts:
NewPapaGuinea · 03/04/2019 08:30

Nah, he’s being a misogynistic letch.

bluebell34567 · 03/04/2019 08:31

its not from different generation. touchy feely people dont touch like that and act like that. they dont grab hands and stroke weirdly.

LizzieSiddal · 03/04/2019 08:37

“Different generation”.
Ahh yes we’ve heard it all before, you can’t get away with saying shit like that anymore.
Same as “she shouldn’t have been wearing that short skirt”, “why was she there on her own” etc etc etc.

BitchQueen90 · 03/04/2019 08:42

"Different generation" I'm getting sick of hearing that as an excuse to be honest.

My grandfather who is 76 would never touch or speak to a woman like that.

IM0GEN · 03/04/2019 08:50

Are we playing misogyny bingo ? I’d love to know what other excuses people are going to come up with .

So far we’ve had

1.It’s very rare so you can’t complain

  1. NAMALT
  2. It’s his age

What about ........

Maybe you misinterpreted him, he was just being friendly
Maybe you gave off the wrong signals
Since #metoo, all woman are paranoid
It’s your own fault for being home alone
The motor trade is mostly Male so he can’t help it
He expected to deal with your husband so he was confused
You are rich enough to have a car so you are privileged
Maybe he has autism so you are being disablist for complaining

Acis · 03/04/2019 08:52

The "different generation" thing is nonsense. If anything the older generation tend to be less touchy-feely. And this sounds as if had quite an unpleasant element of aggression in it.

SilverHeartsOnStrings · 03/04/2019 08:53

I would have told him to stop right there and called his boss and requested someone else come do it.

GillianUsedToLiveHere · 03/04/2019 08:53

Neither my Dad or my FIL would do this to any woman, both men are in their 70s.

I would definitely report him.

Reminded very much of of this woman on twitter basically saying that we, as women, are always put in these situations where we way up how much of a threat a man is to us, all the time.

It is here if anyone wants to read it, she had it with a man in his 60s/70s.

twitter.com/tragedythyme/status/1049044475857788928?lang=en

housewifeoflittleitaly · 03/04/2019 08:54

What a creep.. this has FA to do with generation, men know this isn’t normal.

I understand where your coming from, he felt he had control over you for the reasons you’ve stated & you felt you couldn’t say/do anything. I had a similar situation recently & I am the last person anyone would think would say/do nothing. I didn’t, I couldn’t I just turned and walked away. So it’s easy to think you might say something but until your in the situation you really don’t know.

I am so glad you made a complaint & I really hope they take it seriously & get back to you about it.

DerelictWreck · 03/04/2019 08:55

I also dont think you should be generalizing.

Sounds like he's from a different generation, where people were a bit more touchy feely.

that particular man was unpleasant. Never come across any man like it

This week alone I have watched a man rub himself on the tube while smelling the hair of the woman pressed up against him.

I have seen a man call a woman a 'stupid bitch' because she stepped on the back of his heel while walking

I have seen cat calls, and lewd comments on the bus from teenagers to women.

Our senior (male) team relegated all the female managers to the entertainment part of a training session, giving the men all the strategy sessions.

The gender pay gap is getting worse year on year.

There are only 35/129 female Vice Chancellors

There are only 5 FTSE100 female CEOs, who by the way earn less than half of the male CEOs.

But sure let's pretend there isn't a problem. That it's just one man who's entitled and without boundaries.

ReanimatedSGB · 03/04/2019 08:56

He is a shit, and it's insulting to all the perfectly nice older men who wouldn't dream of creeping out a woman by behaving like that to say it's down to his age.
This was bullying, not being socialbe or nice, his intention was to intimidate.